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Sam sighs, peering upward as he steeples his fingertips over his lips. He’s torn, and no one can blame him for that. I’ll give him some quiet time because it helped me.
Standing, I’m struck with an idea. He’s faced with a monumental decision, and before he decides, he needs all the pieces. Digging into my pocket, I retrieve Saxon’s letter. I’ve not been able to part with it, just as his ring, his promise sits snugly on the chain around my neck. “Here. Read this and then decide.” Sam peers down at it, running his thumb over the pages. “Read it and then tell me you wouldn’t fight for him with your last dying breath.”
St. Mary’s gave up on the notion of me leaving anytime soon. When visiting hours were over, my new friend, Nurse Nora, had no qualms about breaking the rules. Before leaving for the night, she would give me a pillow and blanket. When the lights dimmed and the silence was almost defeating, I held Saxon’s hand and talked.
I told him everything. No detail was spared. When I described the little boy I held in my arms and the happiness I felt at reuniting him with his mother, I told Saxon that tragedy taught me how short life really is. I was stupid not to move, allowing my fears to take hold. If I could take it back, I would. My answer should have been yes. But I won’t make that mistake again.
For some reason, I divulged all of it, except one snippet. When I tell him that he is going to be a father, I want to look into his eyes, those expressive orbs, and experience the joy with him. If this was a perfect world, he would wake up, and we would go riding into the sunset. But as each second ticks by, I feel him slipping further away.
I’ve been here for three days, and they’ve been the longest days of my life. There has been no change, but I refuse to give up. He would never give up on me.
Sam comes and goes. After seeing him in the chapel, I can’t shake the feeling he’s up to something, but I don’t even have the energy to ask him what. All I want to do is hold vigil by Saxon’s bedside and hope that by some miracle, today is the day he wakes.
But as each day ends, I lose a small part of him—one I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get back. My only solace is crawling onto his bed and curling my body around his. If I close my eyes hard enough, I can almost pretend we’re at home and everything is where it should be.
His heart is marching sluggishly beneath my ear as I lay pressed to his chest, wishing we could trade places. I would happily give my life to save his. “Here.” Nora’s voice wakes me from the almost constant haze surrounding me. “I thought you could use some coffee.”
Tracing my fingertip over Saxon’s stubbled jaw, I gently kiss his chin before rising wearily. “Thank you.” I reach for the paper cup, inhaling the caffeine in hopes of kickstarting my brain. Sipping the hot liquid, I watch as she begins her daily routine.
As she checks his vitals, just like always, I hope and pray that today will be the day. “Anything?”
Sighing, she jots something onto his chart. Her silence says it all. “You really should eat something.” Nora looks around my mom’s age, so I know that’s codeword for you look like shit. “You need your strength for when he wakes.” Her positivity is a decoy, but I don’t feel like facing today’s reality.
“I’ll grab something when Sam arrives.”
Nodding, she finishes his examination and places his chart on the foot of the bed. “When will Saxon’s parents arrive?”
I snort in disgust. “I wouldn’t hold my breath.” She doesn’t mention it further. Greg and Kellie were vacationing in Africa, and apparently are on the first flight home. That was a week ago.
Sighing, I peer down at Saxon. He looks like a shell of who he once was. Reaching for this hand, I try to bring warmth to his cold fingers. “He’s always so cold. What do you think…about what the doctor said? About turning off his life support.”
I know it’s policy to be detached, but Nora doesn’t just have a good bedside matter—she genuinely cares. “I understand what he is saying, but sometimes—” I don’t fail to see her peer at our connection affectionately “—you just have to have a little faith.”
“I believe that Samuel will wake up. He’s too stubborn not to. You’ve just got to have faith.”
These memories are all I have left of Saxon, and I’m afraid that sooner or later, the line between the past and present will blur.
“Thank you, Nora.” My gratitude is bittersweet. She leaves me alone, sensing that’s what I need. This hole in my chest continues to grow, and before long, it’ll consume me whole.
I can’t shake this ominous warning, lingering just within reach. It’s calm for now, but something is brewing. Deciding to play some music to lighten the mood, I hunt through my bag to retrieve my iPod. One would say play the tunes of the artists Saxon loved the most, but I go against the norm and decide to play some Kayne West instead. It didn’t work for Sam. Maybe I’ll have better luck this time.
“Okay, it’s time you got your butt outta that bed, mister, ’cause I…” Everything fades into the background because I’m struck with a chill that smothers my entire body. I suddenly can’t breathe.
My iPod shatters to the floor as I clutch my throat, gasping for air. Instinctively, I look at Saxon, the mere sight of him my only cure, but what I witness has me staggering backward, my world crumbling before me.
The blaring machines are my voice because I can’t speak.
This vision will forever be singed into my brain because I don’t understand what I’m seeing as Saxon’s body convulses on the bed. He looks like he’s being electrocuted. The need to protect him slams into me. I fall over my feet as I scramble toward him. “Saxon! Wh-what’s wrong? Nurse! Help! Please, somebody help me!”
A panic trails the swarm of people who run through the door, madly rushing around the room, reaching for things which I have no idea of their purpose. A flurry of voices ricochet around me while I watch, squeezing Saxon’s limp hand. “Pl-Please…wake u-up.” I barely recognize this plea as my own because I sound broken.
“Lucy, come on, you have to let him go.” I recognize Nora’s gentle touch as she coaxes me to move. But I can’t. I promised to never let him go ever again.
“No!” I scream, beyond irrational, trying to dive for him. But I don’t stand a chance, and I sob, holding on for as long as I can before a strong set of hands drive me backward. The moment we break, a bottomless wail tears from my lungs. The sight is unbearable. Saxon’s hand drops flaccidly by his side, surrendering.
My howls follow me into the hallway as I’m determined to scramble back into his room. “Let me go! He needs me!” I fight, blind to who holds me back. That is, until he speaks.
“Lucy, shh, it’s me. Sam. Calm down. Shh.” His voice is so like Saxon’s, that for one moment, I’m tempted to tumble into a deepened void and not come back. “That’s it. Shh. You’ve gone into shock. That’s it. It’ll be okay.” His words are warm, comforting—akin to his touch as he rubs circles on my back. Eventually, I float back down.
