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Sam wraps his arm around me. I sag against him, numb. He leads me outside, my compass in the storm. “I’m so sorry, Lucy. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring him back to you. I tried, but he’s…”
His regret isn’t needed. Not now. “It’s okay, Samuel. You have nothing to be sorry for. Our mistakes are our fate.” A tear tumbles down his cheek. We’re both broken.
“Okay, you can come in now.” Nora gestures for us to enter, but when I step forward, Sam stays back.
“You go. I’ll stay out here,” he says, answering my question. I know what he’s doing, but this started with us three, and it’ll end that way.
Slipping my hand into his, I smile. “No, you won’t. You’re coming in with me. Saxon and I want that. And so does… your future niece or nephew.” I bite my lip, unsure how he will take the news. Through this grief, there is light. And I intend to share it with everyone who loved Saxon.
He gasps, his hold slackening. “You’repregnant?” I nod. “Holy fuck, I’m going to be an uncle?”
“Yes,” I confirm, fresh tears springing to life, but these are of the happy kind.
“A miracle,” he whispers, shaking his head as he stares at my stomach. “A true miracle in a weathering storm.” He squeezes my hand.
Staring at the doorway, we know it’s time. Whatever happens, this story was always supposed to end this way. Our steps are heavy as we enter Saxon’s still room. The machines are quieted, and the breathing tube is no longer present.
Nora stuck true to her word, removing the bandages from around Saxon’s head. The peppered stubble a contrast to his pale skin. “You can sit with him,” she gently says. Try to stop me.
We travel in what feels like slow motion. But the closer I get, I’m suddenly looking down on myself, and the person who I leave behind. The first thing I notice is the shallow rise of Saxon’s chest. Its incline gets rougher and more irregular with every breath he takes.
Memories of that warm breath against my lips as he kissed me smash into me, and I dreamily rub two fingers along my mouth. I remember how that breath expressed endless times how much he loved me. That breath was his life source, and it breathed life into me time and time again.
Saxon didn’t just hold my hand—he held both my hands, and this was supposed to last a lifetime. “No,” I whimper, tremors wracking my body. “Please d-don’t…don’t le-leave me. Don’t leave us.” The air shifts. It becomes still.
Detaching myself is the only way I can do this, so I watch, suspended above myself as a guttural cry rips from my lungs when the hypotonic swell of Saxon’s chest lays dormant. “I’m so sorry, Lucy… He’s gone.”
No. He wouldn’t leave me. There is no way…
The room begins spinning and my heart…it weeps for the life I’ll never be able to live. Voices echo around me, but I can’t assimilate anything because grief overrides my entire body. “It’s time…organ donor?”
However, in the blink of an eye, fury assails my sorrow, and I’m possessed by a force so fierce, I even scare myself. “No! Don’t touch him. Don’t you fucking touch him!” Clasping both his cheeks between my palms, I abandon my passiveness because I refuse to accept this as the end. Saxon loved me because I fought for what I wanted and what I thought was right, and I’ll be damned if I fail him now. “You fight! You hear me, you stubborn son of a bitch? Come back to me!”
People are gently coaxing me away from him, but they’ll have to pry me away because I’m not going anywhere. “You promised me we were forever. Don’t you dare give up!” Saxon gave me the kiss of life, and I can only hope I do the same for him.
Pressing my lips to his, I ignore the stabbing pain at his quiescent heart and kiss him. It’s a gentle touch, but it’s my last hope. I can’t let him go. Never. But this cool kiss is one sided, unlike the endless heated kisses we’ve shared.
My bleeding heart bursts from my chest, and a blood-curdling scream rips me in half. Sam gently pulls me away, cradling me to his chest. His body trembles as he cries with me. “Don’t you leave me,” I sob over and over again. “Don’t you leaveus…” But it’s in vain. He’s already gone.
Everything from this moment forward will always be tainted with this memory. The emptiness is indescribable. How am I supposed to survive this when all I want to do is die? I was a fool to think I could do this without him. A life without Saxon is a life I never chose to live.
This roller coaster is almost at the pinnacle, and I’m afraid of what happens when I come back down. Memories collide with me, and I come to realize that’s all I’ll ever have. I’ll never see his smile again. Or taste his lips. Never feel that closeness to another human being ever again.
“Oh my god.No,” I howl, over and over again, falling further into the abyss. “No, please, no.”
But through the chaos I hear something… under the noise…I hear hope.
“I’ll be damned…”
That small flicker of faith is what I zero in on because it drags me from the depths. More voices sound, but this time, they appear hurried, frantic. Adrenaline soars through me, and I latch onto it as it kickstarts my heart.
“Holy…shit. He’s breathing.” Those words which pass through Sam’s lips are a game changer and my second chance.
Wiping the avalanche of tears away, I rip from Sam’s embrace, bearing witness to what he said to be true. I hold my breath in case there’s been some mistake, but when Saxon’s chest rises and falls, it’s like the world starts spinning again.
“What d-does this m-mean?” My voice is hoarse, but Nora understands.
“It means he’s breathing on his own.”
