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It appears we’ve come full circle, but now, we both realize it’s not the things that we’ve lost, but rather, the things that we’ve gained which will shape us into who we were always meant to be. I give Sam all the time he needs because he too knows we’re almost at the end.
My reflection stares at me from the window just beyond, and who I see, it’s the stranger I was always bound to become. Deciding to freshen up before I find Nora and Saxon’s doctor, I head for the bathroom. I splash some water on my face and run my fingers through my snarled hair. Reaching into my pocket for my ChapStick, I apply a light coat. I’m ready.
There is no heaviness in my walk as I head for Saxon’s room. However, that can’t be said for whoever is inside the chapel. Call it a sixth sense, or maybe everything is just clearer, but I stop and peer inside. There is no mistaking Kellie’s designer blouse as she sits in the back pew.
I never took her for the reflective type, but I should know by now that everything is not what it seems. She doesn’t deserve it, but this is me starting new. “I’ve decided.” Her iron rod back straightens. “Everyone seems to think it’s my choice…it’s not. It’s Saxon’s. It’s always been his choice. I can’t play the hand of God, but I can set him free. And that’s what I plan to do. No one knows what’s going to happen. If anyone can sidestep fate, it’s Saxon.”
She hears me but remains still. I don’t even know why I bother. Just as I turn to leave, a true miracle happens—she turns and her mask of perfection slips. Underneath, I almost see a human being. “I can understand why both my boys love you the way that they do. And you’re right…we don’t know. Saxon is the most headstrong, defiant person I know…and I should have embraced that spirit. I didn’t know how to deal with it. But I should have learned. It is the biggest regret of my life. But you, Lucy, never regret following your heart.”
No tears are shed because Kellie’s absolving herself, and it’s a beautiful thing. This doesn’t mean we’re all going to be one big happy family and all will be forgotten and forgiven. But she will always be a part of my life, and I’ll never take that away from her. We’ve all been given a second chance. I can’t stay mad at her for protecting Sam because that’s what she’s done her entire life. But Saxon, he’s never needed protecting, and that’s what Kellie finally seems to understand.
Leaving her alone to reflect, I see Greg exiting Saxon’s room, wiping away his tears. We all know what comes next. It lingers in the air. “I’m going to take Kellie home.” He’s said his goodbyes. They both have. “Your parents are with Sam.” He leaves a broken man.
My heart calls to Saxon, it always will. Without further ado, I enter, smiling when I see the most important people in my life sitting around the man I will love until my last breath. The moment I enter, my mom knows what happens now.
“Sweetie?”
“Hi, Mom.” She’s expecting tears, but they can wait. “How is he?” She shifts so I can see Saxon. He’s gone. His physical body may still be present, but he’s no longer here.
“No change,” she replies with a distraught frown. “Sam told me what he did. You’ve decided?”
All attention swings my way, awaiting the next piece of this agonizing puzzle. She knows the answer. They all do. My gaze never wavers from Saxon when I reply. “Yes.” That simple word has been the answer this entire time.
Sam sighs heavily while my mother holds back a sob. My father, as always, is the pillar of strength we need. “This isn’t goodbye, son…it’s until next time.” My mother bends forward, kissing Saxon on the forehead. When she pulls away, his brow gleams with her tears. No one likes to say goodbye especially to someone who affected everyone he met.
They collect their jackets and give me a gentle hug, bequeathing me the time I need. Before she leaves, my mother turns to me with a bittersweet smile—a perfect conundrum. “It’s okay, Mom. I’ve chased the chaos, and I don’t regret a single second.” And I don’t. They leave, her sobs following her out the door.
Sam hasn’t moved an inch, and I don’t expect him to. But he rises wearily, his exhaustion and regret permanent passengers. “I’m just going to grab a coffee. Do you want anything?”
“Yes.” But I’m not speaking of food.
Most look at a pen as an innocent, insignificant necessity, but as I reach for it, I’ve never felt more in sync with the saying—the pen is mightier than the sword. Gently retrieving the letter from my pocket, I gaze at Saxon, wishing things were different. But they aren’t, and it’s now my turn to be strong for him.
Without fear, I unfold the letter and place it against the wall, using it to lean on as I sign on the dotted line. It was always going to end this way. “Can you give this to Saxon’s doctor? I’m ready.”
Sam closes his eyes for the briefest of seconds, but eventually nods. I extend it out to him, but he hesitates like I’m handing him a live grenade. I suppose, in a way, I am. Eventually, with a tremble, he meets me halfway. The moment he grips the edge, he steps forward and places his palm on the back of my hand. It’s a touch of comfort. A promise that it’ll be all right. We stay locked this way, no words needed.
“I’ll give you some time,” he says, but no time will ever be enough.
He leaves, letter in hand, while I take a deep breath. Finally, I’m alone with Saxon. I amble toward him, innately drawn to him because he’s a part of me. He always will be. I stand unmoving, memorizing every part of him. He is still so handsome. And still mine.
I will remember every step, every breath I take from here on out because this is the start of a new chapter. With measured paces, I lower myself to the edge of Saxon’s bed. He looks so peaceful, so still. Needing to touch him, to make sure this is real, with a hesitant touch, I run my fingertips over his face. I trace the slope of his nose. The apples of his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, running the back of my finger along his stubbled jaw. “Why did you l-leave me? Take my body… takemylife. It isn’t fair. Surely our lives weren’t fated to come to this? What would be the point if it did?”
I take his hand, never wanting to let go. “If I knew our love ended this way, I would have fought it because I would happily give up everything just to see you open those beautiful, those mesmerizing eyes one more time. I need you to tell me I’m doing the right thing because this feels so fucking wrong. I feel like I’m dy-dying with y-you.” A sob splits me into two, and I surrender. “What we had, it was a mere drop in the ocean because our time was cut short. But what we had, it was real. It will prevail in this lifetime and the next.”
Ugly tears fall, and I’m unable to stop. “Days w-will pass and turn in-into years, but I will always remember you. I pr-promise. I love you… so much.” Clutching the ring around my neck, my body trembles with a hollowed grief. “I will never regret a single moment spent with you, Saxon Stone. Not one second. Thank you for seeing me…the real me and never giving up on our happily ever after.”
Needing to hold him, to feel him one last time, I inconsolably lower myself to lie by his side. Nestling into the crook of his neck, I inhale, basking in home. “I wanted to tell you this when you woke up, but life, it doesn’t always turn out the way you expect it to.” Reaching for his hand, I press his palm flat to my belly. “You’ve given me the greatest gift…you’ve given me a piece of you—” I choke on my tears “—whenever I miss you…which will be always and forever, because that’s the kind of love we have, I will look into your… little son or daughter’s eyes and see their daddy staring back at me. I know they will be just like you, and I promise…they—” my heart shatters into a million tiny pieces “—they will know what a great man their father was and how he was the love of my life. And how he was mine. Goodbye… Saxon,” I cry, laying a whisper of a kiss on his neck. “Never forget me because I’ll…never forget you.”
Clutching my arms around him, I sob an ocean of tears. How am I going to do this without him?
“Lucy?” It’s Nora. I know what she wants, but I can’t. His heart beats strongly against me, a false hope that this will be all right. If this were a movie, or if the narrator of my life was to change fate, Saxon would have stirred the moment I told him I was having his child. But this is real life, and I have to live for the now.
There will never be enough words to say goodbye to the person you love, so I simply place a gentle kiss on Saxon’s cheek—a kiss to remember all that we had.
When I rise, I see Sam standing with three doctors. I want to drown this sorrow, but nod when they ask if this is what I want. There is a jumble of words and signing consent, all which I do in a haze. When it’s all over, Nora’s kind face comes into view. It’s the only thing I focus on, and not what’s happening behind her.
“Lucy, I’ll get you and Samuel to wait outside. Just for a second. I’m going to get him all ready for you.”
