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“What?” I manage to spit out, pulling from our embrace, needing to look at him to ensure I’m not dreaming.
“I understand.”
My lips are moving in wordless animation because I have no idea what to say. I was expecting him to explode, just how he has every right to, but instead, here he stands, biding me farewell. I don’t deserve this man. I truly don’t.
“You’re not angry with me?” I whisper, unable to keep the fear at bay.
“No, I’m not angry.” But he’s not entirely happy either. “I understand why you have to go, but… I’m not coming with you this time.”
His admission winds me, and I grip the counter, terrified of falling. “What do you mean? You’re staying here?”
He tongues over the scar on his upper lip, a trademark of his when he’s deep in thought. “Yes. I understand why you have to go, but I need you to understand why I have to stay.” My heart doesn’t just shatter, my entire world crumbles.
I understand why he has to stay, but I can’t do this without him, and it was selfish of me to assume he’d just pack up his things and leave. He’s only recently come back home. Still, the thought of leaving without him tears at my very core.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Even to my ears, my promise rings weak, desperate.
He shakes his head, hands dug deep into his pockets. “Come back when you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere.” Why does this suddenly sound like goodbye?
“You know I’m coming back, right?” When a staleness permeates the air, I stand on my tippy toes, locking gazes with him. “Right?”
His silence is all the answer I need. “No, Lucy, I don’t. But that’s okay. I just want you to be happy.”
“Staying here makes me happy,” I press, on the verge of tears.
“Then stay.”
“It’s not that simple,” I reply, lowering my eyes. “How can I stay here when Sam is hurt? He’s asking for me.”
Saxon sighs, taking a step back. “At the first sign of trouble, you go running to him. Sooner or later, you’ll run out of breath.” His annoyance is clear. I want to console him, but what can I say? “But for now, let me drive you to the airport.”
I’m on an emotional merry-go-round, and I want to get off. “You want me to leave right now?” My lower lip quivers, but I rein it back in.
“I’m sure there is a redeye you can catch.” Oh, god. I wrap my arms around my middle, wishing I could stay.
I’m torn once again. If I stay, I’ll never forgive myself. But if I go, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I wish I could flip a coin and leave it in the hands of fate. But this decision appears to be written in the stars.
“I’m sorry, Saxon.”
“Don’t be.” His fatigue is palpable, and I hate that I’m the reason behind his despair. “Just know that I love you. And I’m here for you. Always.”
I can’t stand it any longer and bury myself into his chest, unable to shake the feeling that this decision could shake up the world as I know it. “I love you too. So much. I’ll be back before you know it. You won’t even miss me.” This entire conversation is strained, and I need to shut up because I’m rambling and making things worse.
“That’s not possible,” he says with regret, pressing his lips to my head. I hold on tight, never wanting to let go. When he gently breaks our embrace, his detachment hurts. “Go pack. I’ll check for flights online.” His order is so final, so cold, and although I want to protest, I know he’s right.
He makes his way into the living room, powering up his laptop, while I watch on, wondering what the fuck I’m doing.
It’s late by the time I get home. I don’t fail to notice how wrong that now sounds, especially since I told Saxon I would be staying with my parents when I returned. But considering the circumstances, I didn’t really have a choice.
Walking into my empty home, I switch on all the lights, hoping the radiance warms my heart. The isolation I once loved now highlights the fact I’m all alone. God, I miss Saxon. I miss him so much I can barely breathe.
After a tearful goodbye, I boarded the plane a broken woman because it felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart in Oregon. The flight gave me some time to think, but the more I thought, the worse I felt. No part of me wanted to be on that plane, but what choice did I have?
Once upon a time, I loved Sam with all my heart, and it’s hard to turn my back on him when he needs me the most. I know that might make me sound weak or foolish, but the thing is, I’d feel that way if Ididn’tgo.
But one thing is for certain; this is the last time. I can’t keep doing this to Saxon or to myself.
I’m torn between what’s right and what I want. Sooner or later, I’ll have to take a stand and say no. Today is not that day, though, and I will deal with missing Saxon more than I thought humanly possible tomorrow.
