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Every sound seems amplified out here in the dead silence, and the house feels colder. I’m missing Saxon’s warmth and how he’s forever reassuring me that everything will be all right. Deciding to take a shower, I strip, leaving a trail of clothes to the bathroom.
I stand under the spray for minutes, the scalding hot water not able to thaw out the chill in my bones. I have this sinking feeling in the pit on my stomach that something ominous is just around the corner. I don’t know what it is; I just feel like everything is about to change in the blink of an eye.
Unable to face this doom and gloom a second longer, I dry off and amble to Saxon’s room—our room. The moment I open the door, his familiar scent lingers, and I get punched with a longing so fierce, it brings tears to my eyes.
Peering around the room, I’m reminded all the good memories we share, wishing they didn’t seem so distant, so unreachable. Oh my god, if this is what the next few weeks will entail, I won’t last a day.
Slipping into bed, I run my fingertips over Saxon’s side of the bed and sigh. Everything feels so big and empty without him. Shuffling over, I decide to sleep where he would if he were here. Childish, I know, but it makes me feel closer to him somehow.
I settle back against the pillows, feeling in no way, shape, or form sleepy. I’m beyond exhausted, but I’m too worked up to sleep. Reaching for my bag off the end of the bed, I hunt for my cell and journal. I send Saxon a text good night. No surprise, I get a whole lot of nothing in return.
After staring a hole in my screen for twenty minutes, I switch it off and decide to write in my journal. It’s been a while, which is unusual, but the voices have been quiet. Saxon appeases my demons. He always has.
Flipping the brown leather-bound journal to a fresh page, I decide to give life to the demons, hoping it’ll silence them and give me a moment’s rest.
Dear Diary,
It’s been a while, but I haven’t felt the need to write my feelings down because I’ve found someone to tell them to. Saxon and I came together under god-awful circumstances, but we turned something ugly into something beautiful.
I’m back in Montana, and he’s in Oregon. I understand why he stayed, I do, but that doesn’t mean I miss him any less. I know he’s annoyed at my inability to let Sam go, and he has every right to be mad. Hell, I’m mad at myself.
Sam got into an accident, and he’s been asking for me. I would never turn my back on him or anyone, I guess, when they needed me the most…but this is the last time. It has to be.
God forbid something like this happens again, but I’ll look back on this entry and remember what I sacrificed to be here.
Saxon is my future now. I just need to forget my past and move on. But why does that sound a lot harder than it should?
Idon’t think I’ll ever get used to this hospital. I’ve been here countless times, but each time just seems worse than the one before it.
My sneakers squeak against the polished linoleum as I approach the front desk. It’s sad that I know the attendant by name. “He’s in room three.” What’s even sadder is that she knows why I’m here.
“Thanks, Jean. How is he?”
She shrugs with half a smile. “He’s quite the popular patient.” I don’t even want to know what that means.
Images of him flirting with an over helpful nurse flood my brain, bringing back memories I wish were lost to me forever. “Thanks again.”
I make my way to Sam’s room, instantly hit with a wave of nostalgia, but not of the good kind. Looking back to who I once was and to who I am now, it’s hard to believe I’m the same individual. I walked these very halls, future unknown, but I suppose in a way, I’m faced with the same prospect.
This uncertainty will surely send me to an early grave. I rub over my chest, my heart in a constant state of yearning. When I enter Sam’s room, it gets jacked up to full volume because seeing him sitting in a hospital bed unleashes memories I’ve stored away under lock and key.
“Lucy…” He settles higher up against the pillows, his eyes wide. “You came.” This is a new memory, though, because unlike all the previous times, he’s actually happy to see me. I don’t fail to see the irony in this entire situation.
“Yes, of course. My mom called. She told me what happened. Are you okay?” I peer around the doorjamb, half expecting Kellie to be inside, doting over her son. But I’m surprised to see the room empty.
“I am now,” he replies, gesturing for me to enter. I do. A cast is on his right arm, and he has a grazed cheek, but apart from that, he doesn’t look too bad. Ignoring his response, I take a seat near his bedside. But what he says next, I sadly can’t disregard. “Saxon didn’t come?” It’s an innocent question, but I still feel uncomfortable answering it.
My silence is worse than the truth, though, so I shake my head. “No, he stayed in Oregon.” Sam doesn’t even try to conceal his relief.
“Well, thanks for coming.” I shrink back in my seat because if it weren’t for his cast, I fear he’d leap from that bed and embrace me.
“It’s fine.” And cue the awkward silence.
This coldness between us just confirms how Sam and I have grown apart. We’d never experienced a single moment of paused silence before, but now, it seems to be the third wheel.
Clearing my throat, I attempt to act normal. “So your headaches have been getting worse then? And your blackouts?”
“Yes. I’m just waiting for the doctor with my results. He shouldn’t be too long. Will you…stay with me?” I chew on my bottom lip, displaying my uneasiness, so he’s quick to clarify. “I meant stay with me when he gives me the news.”
