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God, why does he have to be so…nice. So Sam like. The amnesia Sam was a lot easier to hate. This Sam just has me reminiscing and remembering the good times we shared.
Patting Potter on the nose, I scoop a few handfuls of feed into his trough and find my voice. “I-I’m not too sure I can keep them.”
“Oh?”
With my back turned is the easiest way to start. “Saxon and I argued the other night because—” I swallow “—because I don’t want to move to Oregon.”
“You don’t?”
“No. Montana is my home. Everything, everyone I love is here…”
“Well, that’s fair enough. Saxon can’t expect you to leave your life behind if you don’t want to go.”
“He doesn’t,” I amend, steadying my breathing and scolding myself for dancing around the topic at hand. Sam waits for me to continue. Stroking Potter’s soft nose, I find the strength to spit it out, once and for all. “He seems to think that…that you’re one of the reasons I don’t want to go.”
“Me?” His surprise is clear. I nod. The air swims with uncertainty. “And what do you think?”
And there it is. The million-dollar question.
“I think that maybe…he’s right.” Time stands still.
I really should have led with something a little smoother, but there is no right protocol to deliver something like this. If I’m going to do this, then let me do it with no holds barred. Giving Potter one last pat, I circle slowly, unsure what I’ll be faced with.
Sam stands frozen to the spot, his mouth parted. He looks utterly stunned. “I…I don’t understand. What are you saying?”
Inhaling, I know it’s now or never. “I’m saying that…” Oh, god, why is this so hard? “I’m saying that seeing you with Alicia bugged me. You taking her to Diana’s and then O’Malley’s bugged me. I’m saying there is this knot—” I make a fist over my belly “—in the pit on my stomach which won’t go away. But it’s not just Alicia. It’s everything. Things were so much easier when you hated me.”
Sam hisses, taking a step back. “That wasn’t me. You know that.”
“I know, but you lying to me all these years, that was you.” He bows his head, ashamed. “But regardless of all this, I still…”
“You still what?” The static whips around us. I owe Sam this. But more importantly, I owe it to myself to be honest.
“I still… love… you. But I don’t know what that love means.” Those words, although true, feel so wrong, but they liberate me nonetheless.
Sam steps back, his cheeks puffed out as he takes two deep breaths. I know this is a lot to take in. So I give him time to process the bombshell I just dropped.
“I…” He raises his finger, needing a moment. I give him all the time he needs. “I don’t know what to say. You don’t love Saxon?”
Shaking my head firmly, I reply, “No, I do, and that’s the problem. I can’t love you both. I need to figure out what my feelings for you mean. I need to know if they’re real. Or are they just old memories that my heart can’t let go of. I loved you, Sam. You were my world, but things change. I’ve changed. But what hasn’t changed is that, in spite of everything, I can’t seem to stop feeling whatever this is. I’m annoyed at you most of the time, and I think that’s because I care. If I didn’t, I could move on. But I can’t.”
It’s out. He now knows the truth. I have no idea what he’s thinking because he’s keeping his cards close to his chest.
“I can give you some time…” My suggestion dies in my throat, though, when he steps forward and gently, with a hesitant touch, brushes a strand of hair from my cheek. His touch lingers on my skin.
“I don’t need time, Lucy.”
“Then what do you need?”
My confines seem to close in on me, but I stand my ground. “You. That’s all I’ve ever needed.” He cups my chin, tracing his fingertips along my jawline. “You said you loved me. Well, Iloveyou, as in present tense, as in I love you right now, and I never stopped.”
Hearing him confess what everyone has told me is truth doesn’t make it any easier to accept. And him touching me so intimately doesn’t feel right.
I attempt to pull from his grip, but he swoops forward and cups both cheeks, beseeching I stay. “If you can’t love us both, then choose me.” His proposal winds me, and I try to turn away. But he won’t let me go. “I will atone for all the sins I’ve committed, but please,pleasegive me another chance.”
“Sam, it’s not that simple.”
“Why not? Once upon a time, we were simple. Why can’t we be that way again?”
