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“Chase the chaos, Lucy. I know I’ve said this once before, but now, I think it’s more important than ever.”
“Saxon is my chaos,” I confess, wiping away my tears. I’ve done enough crying to last me two lifetimes.
“The answer is there. You just have to be sure. Give yourself time. Whoever you choose, they’ll wait. You’re worth waiting for. Don’t you ever forget that.”
A stray tear falls because I am so lucky to have her as my mom. “Thank you,” I whisper. “What should I do?”
“I can’t tell you that, but I know you’ll make the right decision.”
“I miss him. So much.” There is no need to specify who.
“Then call him,” she counters like it’s common knowledge.
“What would I say? Sorry for breaking your heart time and time again?”
“How about hi?”
I snuffle a laugh into the phone. “Thank you for being the best mom ever.”
“I’m only the proud owner of that title because I have the best daughter in the world. No matter what, your father and I will always love you. We’re proud of you. Whatever you decide.”
Feeling like a small piece of me has returned, I sit on the edge of the bed and sigh. “I told Dad I owe you guys a trip to Hawaii. Make that the French Rivera.”
She laughs, warming the lingering cold within. “You owe us nothing. You’ve already given us so much.” That’s where she’s wrong. “Have you heard from the realtor? If you’re still selling, that is?”
Whatever happens, I know for certain this house has to go. “No, nothing. Which reminds me. I need to call her tomorrow. I’ll just add it to the list.”
“Okay. Well, if you need us, you know where to find us.”
Talking to my mom has always given me solace, and I didn’t realize how much I needed it until now. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Just as I’m about to hang up, she says, “Lucy…listen to your heart. No matter your decision, it’ll lead the way. Don’t forget, you may feel selfish for taking this time…but it would be far more selfish of you to be with one if you were questioning your feelings for the other.”
She ends the call, but I still have the phone pressed to my ear. Her words play on a loop, and it’s like I’m struck with an epiphany. Until I can commit to Saxon completely, I will shoulder this ache until I can discern exactly what I feel for Sam. I was a fool for thinking I could have the best of both worlds. It’s either Saxon or Sam. I can’t have both.
I know who I want. That was never the issue. What I need to do is come to terms with my “feelings” for Sam. They clearly won’t just go away, so I need to discuss them…and to do that, I need to tell him how I feel.
That sounds like pure torment, but it’s the only way.
But before I can do that, I have to do one thing first. With literally nothing left to lose, I dial Saxon—chasing the chaos, just like my mom told me to do.
No surprise, it goes straight to voicemail.
“Hi…it’s me. Lucy.” I cringe. That sounded even lamer aloud than it did in my head. “Anyway, I wanted you to know that I miss you. A lot. But you were right. About everything. You said that you learned when people walk away from you…you let them go. Well, this is the start of me walking away from my past…and walking toward my future. I don’t know how long it’ll take…but I promise…it’s for certain this time. I love you. I miss you.” I hang up because I’ve said all I need to.
I should have done this a long time ago.
There is no way to prepare for something like this because there is every chance this will go wrong, and I will regret my decision, but I have to at least try. I can’t continue this way. I run a comb through my hair and attempt to look semi human, but then give up soon after as I lost that battle two days ago.
A nervous energy thrums through me, and I can only hope it gives me the momentum to see this through. I work on autopilot as I walk through the house, looking for Sam. It’s feeding time, so I descend the back porch stairs and head to the stables.
His hands are filled with feed, so I quicken my step. “Here, let me help.”
“Thanks.” He passes me a bucket filled with treats for the horses. We walk toward the stables in silence. Not a great start, but I need to gather the courage to start.
When we enter, my beloved Arabian horses neigh in delight. “You were always their favorite,” Sam says with a smile. His comment has me wondering what exactly we’ll do with them when we eventually sell. The thought of not seeing them every day instantly depresses me further.
Sam reads my mind. “And because of that, I insist you keep them. I will pay for their upkeep, but I’d hate for you to be separated from them. I know how much they mean to you.”
