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Staggering backward, I stare, wide-eyed. “You pl-played me. This entire time, I thought they were coincidences. Wearing my favorite cologne. Sporting the shirt I bought for your birthday. Or no shirt at all. Taking Alicia to Diana’s and O’Malley’s. Alicia, in general. Jesus Christ.” I pause, needing to catch my breath. “That song we danced to…it was all part of your plan, wasn’t it?” An epiphany hits me, and I clutch my middle, sickened. “Just like when you had amnesia, I reminded you of what we had…showing you pictures, wearing your favorite perfume, talking about the past…you did the same to me, didn’t you? You wanted to remind me of what we had…just as I had with you.”
“Yes.” There is no remorse, but I never expected there to be. “I fought dirty, and you know what, I don’t care because it worked. Tonight, you told me what I always knew to be true. You love me.”
“Right now, what I feel for you is so far from love.” I curl my lip, disgusted.
“And that’s fine. Hate me, I don’t care because sooner or later, you’ll understand why I did what I did. Didn’t you go to every effort to make me remember you when I had amnesia?”
He goes to touch me, but I slap his hand away. “I don’t have fucking amnesia, Sam! Although I clearly need my head examined for believing you’d changed. How naïve and stupid could I have been? I should have listened to Saxon.”
“But you didn’t,” he counters. “You know that we—” he gestures two fingers back and forth between us “—make sense. You wouldn’t have to move. We could stay here. Life could be how it once was. You remember how good we were together. I know you do.”
“Our life was a lie! Don’t you understand? What we had was based on a lie you fabricated. And I am clearly insane for even contemplating for one second that you’d changed. That what I felt for you was real!”
“It is real.” His tone quiets, but I’m beyond furious. “Why was it so important to have me in your life?”
“I don’t know,” I spit, denial my only friend.
He snickers. “And you call me a liar. You love me, that’s why.” Plain and simple with no shades of color in between.
And there it is…the happening which has caused this entire clusterfuck from erupting.
“Saxon lied to you, too. So who’s committed the worse sin?”
“You…by far.” I stand by my affirmation. “You conspired with Sophia, why?”
“We both wanted the same thing,” he simply says.
“And what was that?” I know what, but I just need to hear it. No more lies.
“To see an end to your relationship with Saxon. She was hoping he’d go running back to her, and I was hoping you’d see reason and come back to where you belong.”
That smug, presumptuous asshole. And that scheming, malicious sociopath. Actually, both titles can be used for both parties involved.
My legs are trembling wildly, and I’m seconds away from falling into an inconsolable heap. Slumping onto the end of the bed, I stare at a spot on the floor, unable to process everything I’ve just heard. “You say you love me…but you’ve hurt me in ways you could never imagine. How could you tell me that about Saxon and moving to Oregon so flippantly? Surely, you knew that would hurt me.”
He hisses, desperately attempting to make amends. “I promise, I thought he’d told you.”
“How can I believe a word you say?” I whisper, my fight dying. He sighs, thankfully staying away. “Did you ever really want to reconcile with Saxon? Or was that a lie too?”
He honestly can’t say anything further that would shock me. “At first, no. How could I? He was the reason we were apart.” That’s not true.Samwas the reason. “But then…yes. I haven’t had a relationship with my brother in so long. But to actually get along and see what kind of man he’s become…I’m not a monster, Lucy. I know you may think I am, but everything I shared with Saxon, with you…was real. That’s why I called Sophia. To tell her I was going to come clean. Tonight meant something to me. I hated that I’ve hurt you. Hurt Saxon.”
Call me a fool, but this, I believe. I did hear him express something along these lines.
“Surely, you know me well enough to know that over these past two days, I’ve tried to make things right. Even though I’ve done what I have, it was never my intention to hurt you. I have called Saxon to see if he’s okay. I know it’s too late, but I never expected it to get this far.”
I fold in on myself, cupping my face with my palms.
“I was waiting for you to change your mind. I never anticipated it would come to this.”
Sam doesn’t know me at all. “I know it may be hard for you to understand, that it seems I’ve only felt this way for weeks, but Saxon and I…I’ve loved him since the first moment I saw him…in the library. Even though I thought it was you…it wasn’t. It was him. And you never forget your first love.”
“I will never be able to give you anything new because all your firsts…you’ve experienced with my brother.”
At the time, when Saxon confessed his fears, I didn’t know what to say. But what I should have said was that he was wrong. He was my first…my very first, and you never forget someone who gave you so much to remember.
“And what am I then?”
Wiping the tears away, I lift my eyes and meet Sam’s stare. I should hate him for everything he’s done, but I don’t. I feel sorry for him—sorry that I don’t love him the way he loves me. Not anymore.
