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The answer was there all along, and my mom was right—Listen to your heart.And I have. “Sometimes, you miss the memories, not the person… and you, Sam, you’re a memory.”
I’ve wounded him, but it’s the truth, and after the number of lies told, it’s time honesty prevailed.
“I refuse to believe it,” he argues, shaking his head, tears filling his eyes. “Kiss me… kiss me and tell me you don’t feel a thing.”
“What?”Bile rises, and I wildly object.
A wave of desperation follows him as he rushes over and crouches down in front of me. An offering, a surrender. “If you kiss me and feel nothing…then I promise, I will leave you be.”
I retreat, but he prevents me from moving an inch by placing his hands on my thighs. “Let me go,” I say, squirming, as I suddenly am more than uncomfortable. But he doesn’t. His presence encases me, and I’m held captive by an unseen force.
“No.” He edges closer and closer, hands still pinning my legs while I’m finding it harder to pull away. “If this is my last chance…if this is the last memory I’m to make, then let it be this.” I open my mouth, but words don’t fill it. Instead, Sam’s lips do.
At first, I don’t dare move as the feel of his lips pressed against mine is foreign, yet so familiar all in the same breath. The tickle of his stubble shoots a current all the way to my toes, but when he gently parts my mouth with his tongue, a tingle overtakes me whole.
I’m far from receptive, but damn my traitorous body and heart, I can’t push him away. Memories crash into me, countless memories of what we had, and the proposition of what we could be. He cups the back of my head, coaxing me to engage, but what we had, who I am now…this isn’t what I want.Heisn’t who stirs my blood with a touch alone.
A kiss has the ability to change the world, but only if shared with someone who owns you, completely and forevermore. And Sam is no longer that person. It took a kiss, one single kiss, to wade through the confusion and finally see the light.
Just as I’m about to push him away, to tell him once and for all that we can never be, a hollowed voice rips out my insides and gashes at my very soul. “I’m sorry…I just wanted to make sure you were okay…but clearly, you are.”
The world flashes brightly, the intensity blinding me as I attempt to make sense of what’s going on. Blinking intermittently, pieces of the puzzle fall into place, but it’s a riddle I never want to solve. “Saxon?”
I need to ensure he’s really here, and it’s not my guilty conscience playing tricks on me. But when those mesmeric eyes meet mine, I know that he’s here, in the flesh…and he’s just witnessed my infidelity.
Wiping frantically at my lips, I bound from the bed, desperate to make things right. But when he takes two steps back, clearly disgusted, I stop, needing the world to stop spinning.
“Sax…it’s not her fault.” Sam stands too, a protector at my side. But he’s wrong.
“Yes, it is my fault for allowing things to get this far.” A bitterness lingers on our tongues, and it soon tastes like a mutiny—us versus Saxon. “Please let me…”
But he’s done listening. “There’s nothing for you to explain. I get it.” I’m expecting anger. Maybe a string of expletives. But I get nothing of the sort. There is no fire, no emotion … no nothing. This was the final straw.
I don’t care if he never speaks to me again. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to speak to me either, but if I do one thing right, it’ll be this. “No, you really don’t. Please hear me out, and then whatever you decide…it’s your choice.”
I barely register the fact Sam stands by my side. The only thing that matters is making this right with Saxon. It’s evident he wants nothing to do with me, but he can hate me later because now, I need him to listen.
He has every right to tell me to go to hell, but I really hope he doesn’t. I loop my arms behind my back, wringing my hands together because if he says no…
“Okay.”
Without a moment to lose, I will my wobbly legs to make it out the door. This is between Saxon and me, and I fear if Sam were to follow, Saxon’s cool demeanor just may evaporate for good. His heavy footsteps trudge behind me, which is a good start.
I lead him through the house in complete silence, gathering my thoughts so I don’t fuck this up. The confines of this home seem to be siphoning off my air supply with every breath I take, so I walk out the back door.
The cool air laps at my cheeks, clearing my head, but I don’t even know where to begin. I continue pacing, a ball of nerves coiling in my belly as we get closer to sealing our fate forever. No matter how far I walk, I know I can never escape what I’ve done, so I stop, ready to face my charge.
Mother nature hums through me as I dig my feet into the earth beneath me. “Saxon… I am so sorry. What you saw…it was not okay. It’ll never be okay.” My back is turned, needing the distance to say what I need to say. “There are no excuses, and I take full reasonability for my actions, but if you’d come through that door five seconds later, you’d have seen me tell him that he’s nothing but the past. I’ve never been more certain.” Taking a breath, it’s time he knows he’s been right all along. “Sam has been lying this entire time. He never contacted the realtor. He never intended to sell. Just as I attempted to remind him of everything we had when he had amnesia, for the past few weeks, he’s been doing the same thing to me.”
The air is still—deathly quiet. But I continue.
“You were right all along. He was playing me, and like a fool, I fell for his lies…again. He kissed me because it took all this…uncertainty—” I rub over my chest “—to realize that what I feel for him is nothing but memories, tugging at my heartstrings. You and I …we happened so fast and then Sam started being Sam again. I was just confused. It’s inexcusable, but it’s the truth.”
His silence is what I deserve, but I need him to say something, anything. So I gradually turn, welcoming my sentence.
The first thing I notice is how calm Saxon appears, but just as a tornado destroys in seconds, this is the calm before the storm. He stands untroubled, hands dug deep into his pockets, his head held high. I can’t be certain he’s heard a word I’ve said because the Saxon I thought I knew would have gone back into the house and ended this with Sam once and for all. But maybe this is the end. Maybe he’s done caring for good.
“Saxon?” My pitch is high, hesitant. A tic under his eye, though, gives him away. “Say something. Please.” I have no right to make demands, but his silence is killing me.
