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Laughing, I give my mom one final hug. “Yes, for the tenth time.” Wiping away her tears, I smile. “Hey, no crying. Enough tears have been shed to last us all a lifetime.” And I mean it.
They say what doesn’t break you makes you stronger, and it’s true. Walking away from Saxon after our teary farewell was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But he’s right. I can’t love him with just half my heart; he deserves so much more. We both do.
It wasn’t because I didn’t love him that I said goodbye; it’s because I do that I’m determined to do the right thing. The love I felt for Sam hasn’t magically disappeared overnight. And I don’t know if it ever will. But the fact I was torn, no matter how small the confusion, is enough for me to know it’s time I did what I should have done months ago—I choose myself.
I was caught in a spiraling catastrophe, trying to make other people happy, and I forgot about the most important person of all—me. And that’s what has me standing in the airport, ready to make my trek halfway across the world.
All those months ago, which now seem like a lifetime ago, I took my mom’s advice, becoming conscious of the truth that going on the three-month aid tour of Syria was the only way to follow my heart. To see what true chaos is to appreciate the calm. I thought it then, and now, it’s just amplified tenfold. The time away from both Saxon and Sam is what I need, and with an open ticket, when I return, I can only hope the murkiness will disappear, giving light to what my future holds.
I haven’t told Saxon because we agreed it’ll just make things easier if we cut all ties. I read a quote a few days ago, and it resonated with me because in my case, it’s true. If only I’d realized this a lifetime ago.
If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love, or they still are.
I can’t be Saxon’s friend…but I can be Sam’s.
“I’ll take care of everything,” he says, scrolling through his phone. “I have your international number and email. I will update you when I can. I know you said your cell service might not be great. But I’ll keep trying.”
“Thanks. Friend.” The awkwardness between us will always be present, but my love and the confusion I felt for him is gone. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…
“Here.” Piper muscles past Sam to pass me three containers filled with Tums. “These should tide you over. To hopefully settle your queasiness.” But I have no doubt once I step onto the plane, my nerves will subside.
Sam steps off to the side because although we’re able to act civil, Piper and the rest of my family aren’t so forgiving. “Thank you, Piper.” This woman has stuck with me through thick and thin. I will never be able to repay her for everything she’s done. But that’s the thing—she never expects me to. “I’m going to miss you.” Throwing my arms around her, I hug her tight.
“You’ll be back before you have a chance,” she whispers, but we both know that’s not entirely true. My stint is supposed to be for three months, but with no return date planned, I don’t know when I’ll be back. She kisses me on the cheek, holding back her tears.
My dad soon takes her place. “Be safe, baby girl. Check in when you can.”
“I will,” I promise. I’ve never felt safer than when in my father’s arms, and when he embraces me, kissing the crown of my head, I know I’ll treasure this memory when times get tough.
He makes room for my mom who, although she promised she wouldn’t cry, has tears spilling down her cheeks. “Call me the minute you land.”
“Okay.” I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She opened her heart and home and shaped me into the woman I am today. It’s because of her I hold back my tears and smile. “Don’t cry, Mom. I’m going to chase the chaos just like you told me to. Thank you. For everything. Everything I am…I owe to you.” She bursts into tears, burying me in her chest.
How lucky am I to have such an astounding group of people in my life that I call family? My father gently pulls her away when the announcement broadcasts over the speakers for me to board.
Sam’s uneasiness is evident, but he strolls toward me just the same. “I’ll see you when I see you.”
“Yes, you will.” Although it’s awkward, it’s just confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. “Take care, Sam.” Without a hint of reservation, I hug him. For the first time ever, I feel nothing. And just like that, my love scatters to the wind and memories soon take its place.
I’m the one to break our union, happy that I can do so without a hint of regret. Sam still wears his love for me all over his face, so my leaving is good for the both of us. We will never be again, and Sam needs to accept that as truth.
He lightly holds my waist, appearing to catalogue every last inch of me to memory because that’s all we’ll ever have. As he sighs, I instantly get the sense we’re being watched. When I tune into the static, goose bumps lick my skin.
Only one man has the ability to incite an inferno within me.
My body, as always, is in sync with his, but I don’t turn around. I’m afraid of what will happen if I do. I’ve been so brave up until this point, but knowing Saxon came to say goodbye, my heart doesn’t stand a chance.
“Okay, I’d better go.” I sniff back my tears, prepared for the breakdown the moment I pass through those gates. I hug my loved ones for the last time, hoping that when we see one another next, things will be different.
My mother squeezes my hand. She understands why I’m on the verge of tears. “Love doesn’t make sense. Love happens when you least expect it. It’s inconvenient, messy, and reckless, but that’s the beauty of it. It isn’t a decision; it’s a promise. A promise to chase inconvenient, messy, and reckless love with someone who embraces the chaos with you.” It’s everything I need to hear.
Whether Saxon is really here or it’s just the dreamer in me shining through, I’ll never know. But whatever the truth, it warms me to know that I always come back to him. Bidding my family goodbye, I walk toward my future, intent on never looking back.
I have no idea of the time or day, but after flying thirty-plus hours, I have finally arrived. I called my mom the moment I landed because my flight had delays. After that, I caught a cab to my hotel where I showered and collected my thoughts.
After giving up on the notion of eating, I called my colleagues and asked where they were. They were about forty minutes away at a mobile clinic, administering medication to people in need.
After the latest attack, this time a chemical weapons attack, the death toll has risen into the hundreds. The injured were in the multitudes. So without hesitation, I jumped into a van, driven by my fellow co-worker, Johnny, and we headed toward a place many would avoid.
