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Taking a small breath, I woman the fuck up and go to him.
Standing by his bedside, I peer down at him, wringing my hands out in front of me. The purple on his face has faded, making way to a pale green. He’s healing, but it’s the wounds I cannot see that worry me the most.
Pulling up the chair, I take a seat as close as I can to the bed. I want to touch him, but I don’t want to rouse him because for the first time in a long time, he doesn’t look in pain. I’m so thankful I can no longer smell coconuts. All that lingers is him.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, lowering my chin sadly. “I should have done more. There is so much I wish I could take back, but I can’t. I will never forgive myself for letting you down because you never once did for me.”
Unable to stop myself, I gently rub over his arm through the blanket. I need this contact. I need him. However, when a pained whimper escapes him, I quickly draw my hand back.
“I will give you all the time you need,” I promise, sniffing back my tears. “But I promise you, he will never get away with what he’s done.”
I won’t speak his name in this house of God, but that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to plan my revenge.
“Rest now and get better. I’ll be here once you wake up.” I want more than anything to kiss him, to seal my promise this way, but I don’t.
When the sister re-enters the room, I know my time is up. “Thank you.”
She nods with a small smile.
Taking one last look at Saint, I stand, ignoring the pain in my ribs and body because that can wait. However, the sister notices me flinch. “Are you hurt?”
Earlier, I visited the bathroom and wiped some of the blood off my face, but the smudges of red still linger. She’s been polite not to stare, but it seems she can’t help but be merciful, even to a sinner like me.
“I’ll be fine,” I reassure, hobbling past her. I don’t wait for her reply and make my way into the hallway.
Now that I’ve seen Saint, I decide to shower and burn these clothes. Once I’m done exorcising the demons, I will find Pavel and Alek and ask what happens now. The joyous voices of the children chip away at the darkness pervading my soul. I turn the corner and walk past Alek’s room, noticing Ingrid is with him.
She sits on Alek’s small bed, crying softly while he comforts her with his arm wrapped around her shoulders. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but whatever it is, it seems to soothe her. She’s huddled into his side, and swathed in his sweater, she finally looks unafraid.
The vision is one of protection, one which I instigated, seeing as I insisted we save her, so why do I suddenly feel off balance? Seeing Alek and Ingrid together incites something inside me, something I can’t explain.
I will never see Alek as the “good guy,” but seeing him console Ingrid has me wondering if maybe someone like him is really capable of turning over a new leaf. A small, irksome voice whispers that if that were true, maybe Alek’s feelings for me are genuine.
Remembering the masquerade ball before all of this turned to utter shit, I recall Alek’s speech.
“I wanted to celebrate her existence with all of you because she means…so much to me.”
I didn’t know what to make of it, and I still don’t, but seeing him show compassion has me wondering if he really meant it? I want to scoff at such a thought, but if he did mean it, how does that make me feel? He is the reason I’m here and why I’ve done what I’ve had to, to survive. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t hate him, so the question is, why don’t I?
He presses his lips to the top of Ingrid’s head, cooing softly.
Feeling like I’m encroaching on a private moment, I silently scamper to my room. Once inside, I hunt through my drawers, thankful when I see the sisters have restocked them. I literally left Oscar’s with only the clothes on my back, so being offered the luxury of clean garments reminds me of how fortunate I am to be here.
Grabbing a pair of jeans, a wool sweater, a pair of socks, and sneakers, I make my way to the bathroom, where I wash away the filth clinging to my skin. I will never be able to fully rid myself of it, though, because the majority of it blemishes my soul.
The things I’ve seen and the things I’ve done will forever haunt me, but I deserve the affliction. With that thought in mind, I turn the faucet to cold and stand under the freezing cold spray. Only when my teeth chatter and my entire body is covered in goose bumps do I turn the water off.
I dry off and dress, not bothering with makeup or using any product in my hair. Once my laces are tied, I march out into the corridor, intent on finding Pavel. Alek is probably still with Ingrid, so I decide to go solo.
The playrooms are filled with children sitting at the long tables. Every color of paint and crayon are at their disposal. One of the sisters sits in a large rocking chair in the corner of the room surrounded by a circle of eager kids as she reads them a story.
Something so mundane warms me because I’ve missed this simplicity. Once upon a time, I took all of this for granted, but now, I wonder if I’ll be ordinary ever again. When one of the little girls with blonde pigtails notices me looking in, she waves, flashing a toothless smile.
I wave back, melancholy overtaking me because another thought hits me—will that ordinary life provide me children? I never gave much thought to being a mother, but now that the possibility seems so out of reach, I crave nothing more.
But what sort of mom will I be? When my child asks me about my past, what will I say? Your mom lied, cheated, and killed? Because that’s what I’ve done.
“Hey. I’m glad I found you.”
