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The last time I was here, Ethan tried to kill me. How things have changed. Today, he stood tall, a true Kelly. Connor would be proud of him. I know I am.
Dropping to a squat, I look at Connor’s grave, realizing I’ve come to see him willingly more often dead than when he was alive. I wish I could change that.
“Hello, aul’ lad,” I say aloud. “I’m sorry to be disturbin’ ye, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I’ve made a choice, one which has me wonderin’ if maybe you wished ye could have made the same. But it was too late for you.
“Is that why ye let yer men stray? Had ye had enough? I fucking hated you. But now that Iamyou, I understand why you acted the way ye did. I have a son now, and I hate that our circumstances are the same.
“He too lost his mum. But I will do everythin’ in my power to make sure he doesn’t go down the road I did. I know you tried yer best. I know deep down, ye knew I wasn’t yer son. Ye could have turned yer back on me, but ye didn’t.
“Ye loved me as best you could. This world…it fucking takes and doesn’t give back. I won’t have that for my son. For the love of my life. I want them to be as far away from that as possible. And I thought that was what I wanted. But now…I don’t know what I want.
“Sean has got into my head. Sayin’ things about Mum. I don’t know what to believe. What would you do? If you were given the choice, would you have left? Or wouldn’t you change a thing? You died savin’ me. Savin’ yer kingdom.
“And I’m givin’ it away. I’m torn between what’s right and what I want. I want a future for Cami and Shay away from this. But will it be enough?
“The darkness, it’s a part of me. It always has been. I fear by walkin’ away, the demons will only lay dormant for a wee while. And when they rouse, they’ll be hungry for so much more. Cami accepts me, and for that, I’m the luckiest man alive, but how can I marry her with hands covered in blood?
“Because that’s all I’ll have to offer her if I don’t get out. If I live the life you did, I will end up in a hole in the ground, just like you did. Just how every single person involved in this fucking war has. I’m one of the last men standin’. But I don’t know how long for.
“What would you do, Connor? What would you do…Dad?”
Tears well because I fucking miss this insufferable prick. Who would have thought?
My phone rings, interrupting this verbal onslaught with the dead. I really am losing my mind.
When I retrieve my mobile from my pocket and see it’s Cami, I answer quickly. “Everythin’ all right?”
“I—um, how long until you’re home?” She is slightly panicked, which has me jumping up, kissing two fingers, and pressing them to Connor’s gravestone before sprinting for my truck.
“I can be there in twenty minutes.”
“Can you make it ten?”
“Why?” I ask, rummaging for my keys.
“Cian is here.” I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing until she adds, “And he’s about to kill Sean.”
“Fuck.” I hang up and almost tear the door from its hinges as I jump into my truck and speed out of the cemetery toward home.
I should have known Cian would do something like this. He is hurting, and the only way to stop that pain is to kill the person who inflicted a wound that will never heal. But he’s gone against me when I explained why I need Sean alive.
He is forcing my hand, and when I get to my gaff and see his car parked out front, I wonder just how ugly this is going to get. I slam the door shut and run toward the castle. Cami is waiting outside for me, but she can’t be here.
Kissing her forehead frantically, I gently order, “Please go back to our house. I don’t want you to see whatever is about to happen.”
She wants to argue, but she knows I wouldn’t ask this of her if I wasn’t afraid…for her.
“Okay. But remember, Cian lost Amber. What would you do if that were me?”
I don’t realize she has something behind her back until she extends her hand toward me, offering me my face paints. She wants it to end and knows this face—the face Sean forced me to wear—is the only one who can do that.
Accepting the paints, I watch as she walks away. I don’t know who I’ll be when I see her again.
Opening the front door, I hear Cian screaming on the verge of hysteria. I wonder where Billy is as it was his turn to keep an eye on Sean. I’ll deal with him later.
I keep my cool as I walk down the hallway and turn into the huge dining room. This place may be getting a facelift, but it seems regardless of the décor, blood and violence are entrenched into its foundations. It’s been this way for generations, and I believe it will be this way long after I’m gone.
Cian’s back is to me, but he knows I’m here. “Suppose yer here to stop me, seein’ as ye want to live on the straight and narrow.”
