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“You never tried to contact him again?”
“I tried. So many times. I kept track of him over the years, whenever another relationship ended I’d consider going—but it was too hard, you were small, I couldn’t take you to Japan. A country where we didn’t even know the language, let alone any people, on the chance he might want us.”
I didn’t know what to say to any of this. Not only did my father not leave before I’d even been born, he didn’t even know he had a daughter. He didn’t know I existed.
All my life, I’d believed that men would leave, because the one man who was supposed to stay hadn’t. But none of it was true. And I could see now what Mom had been doing all those years. I thought she’d been running away from the hurt, but she'd been chasing the feeling she had with my father. But none of them were good enough, because they weren’t him.
My heart started to beat uncomfortably fast. I’d been doing the same thing. Every relationship failed, not because they all did, but because they weren’t right. No man was going to be good enough because they weren’t Mack. Because they didn’t make me feel the way he did, even when we were just friends. It had always been him. Only him. I’d been so convinced that I was right, that nothing would ever work. I was too stubborn and scared to see what was right in front of me.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Mom, I’ve really messed things up.”
She smiled. “He’ll forgive you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because he loves you, baby.”
He loved me. He told me he did, and I’d thrown it back in his face. I needed to fix this. I needed to tell him. But how? I could fly to LA? But what if he was on the way back here? The thought that I’d missed my chance made my stomach threaten to send the hot cocoa back up. I could camp at his apartment until he got home. Plead my case. Tell him I was an idiot and I was wrong and I fucking loved him.
No, not like that. I didn’t just want to tell him, I wanted to tell everyone. He didn’t deserve to be treated like a dirty secret, which, whether I wanted to admit it or not, was exactly how I’d been behaving. Like I was ashamed.
“Looks like my work here is done,” Mom said.
I rounded the island and pulled her into a hug. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, Chase.”
“And I know you’re married to Derrick and all, but maybe you should take a chance and get on a plane to Japan.”
She laughed, the sound made my chest warm. “You think so?”
“You’re fifty years young, don’t you think it’s time you stopped settling?”
“And if he doesn’t want me?”
“Then he’s an idiot, and you can move on. But you’re not going to know unless you put yourself out there.” I squeezed her shoulders. “You deserve to be happy, Mom, properly, madly, happy.”
“So do you.”
“I know.” I grinned. And I knew just how to get that happiness.
I walked Mom out and leaned back against the door. Step one. Find out when he was coming home, because he had to be coming home. New step one: whiskey. I gulped down two shots, relishing the warm tingle that spread outwards from my stomach once they’d landed. Step two. Text Mack. Where was my phone? I took another shot of whiskey and tore around my apartment in a mad search, nearly losing an eye on the corner of the coffee table after tripping over my bowling shoes. Seeing the shoes made a sob roll up my throat because I just missed him so fucking much and I didn’t know what the hell I’d been thinking, trying to just be his friend when I’d gone and fallen in love with him.
He’d been right, of course, I was scared out of my head. Scared that he’d leave. Scared that he wouldn’t. Scared that I genuinely didn’t know how to be in a relationship without one foot out the door. Just fucking scared. But if there was one person I trusted with all my fears, and everything else, it was Mack.
I found my phone stuffed between couch cushions and proceeded to write and delete five versions of the same text before settling on something almost rudely simple.
Me:Are you home for New Year’s Eve?
After staring a hole through my phone for a solid three minutes, I tossed it aside and started getting ready to head into Rudi Blue. It was ridiculously early to be going in but I was going to need the distraction.
The reply didn’t come for an hour and I nearly screamed with joy as I read it.
Mack:Yes.
