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“Okay… and why did you think it was destined to end?” Was she kidding?
“Because that’s what happens. It’s the nature of the beast. All relationships have expiry dates.”
“Not all relationships.”
“Yes, Mom,allrelationships,” I fired back. “I spent my entire childhood watching it happen, sometimes messy and loud, sometimes quiet, but they always ended and then we’d pick up and move somewhere new. I don’t know why Mack thought we’d be any different. We’re not.”
“Oh, baby, of course you’re different.”
“No, we’re not, we’re over.”
“I seriously doubt it. That boy has looked at you like you hung the moon since you were fifteen.” She sipped her hot cocoa, looking vaguely smug, but she was wrong. Even if she wasn’t, that look was gone now, and I wasn’t getting it back.
“When we were friends, maybe, but that’s gone up in smoke, too, because we crossed a line we shouldn’t.”
“Most lines are more like guides really, they’re meant to be crossed.”
“Mother.”
“Chase.” She paused, her eyes drifting off to the side. “Do you know why all of my relationships ended?”
My brow pinched. This was not the direction I’d expected our conversation to go, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear all the reasons that things didn’t work out the way you wanted them too. Even still, I said, “Enlighten me.”
I felt her hesitation before she eventually spoke. “Because none of those men were your father.”
I opened my mouth. Closed it again. “My father? Why on earth would you want them to be him? The man left as soon as you were pregnant. Why—” The look on her face pulled me up, regret, worry, and something else I couldn’t place. “What?”
“He didn’t leave,” she said, the words shaky.
“He—what—what do you mean he didn’t leave?”
“He didn’t leave us, leave you.” A pause. “He never knew you existed.”
I didn’t understand. All my life, she’d told me the same thing. That he didn’t want her, want me, want us. That he left. And it paved the way for every other man to do the same thing. Even Mack. I was in free fall, plummeting through nothingness. “He—what?” I said, trying to wrap my head around this. “You told me—”
“I told you what I had to. It was easier.”
“Easier?” I gaped. “Easier for who?”
“Me, Chase. It was easier for me. Easier to tell you that your father left us, because the truth, the truth was—the truthis—that your father might have been the love of my life and I walked away.Ileft.”
“Y—you left?Youlefthim? When you were pregnant, you left him? What did he do? Wh–why, what made you leave?” This made no sense.
“I didn’t know I was pregnant.” She blew out a breath. “Your father was amazing, Chase, I think I fell in love with him the second I saw him.”
I had no words. I was vaguely aware that I should probably be mad at her for hiding all of this from me but I was too confused and curious for the truth right now. The anger would come later. “Then why? Why leave? Why never tell him? Why never tellme?” Did I not deserve to know the truth? I’d hated this man, this faceless, nameless man my entire life. Tarred him with a reputation he didn’t deserve.
“I didn’t tell you because I was ashamed. I took away your chance to know your father because I was young and scared. How did I tell you that?” She shook her head, eyes fixed on the mug in her hands. “My father, your grandfather took me to Korea, to Seoul, to see the Olympics. Your father was an athlete and we met, by accident, but not. I think I was supposed to meet him because he gave me you. We spent a week exploring Seoul together, then it was time we both went home. Him to Japan, me here. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much as I did on that flight. A couple of weeks after I got home I realized I was pregnant. Your grandfather wasn’t thrilled at the news and sent me off to live with Peggy.”
Holy. Shit.
“Hold on. Just—I need to get my head around this.” I slid off the stool and started pacing. “You only knew him for a week?”
“One single, perfect, week.”
“And then you got on a plane? No phone numbers, no email address—was email even a thing yet? Probably not. But you got on a plane with no way to contact a man you had already fallen in love with!? You never told him about me? You couldn’t tell him about me. You never—”
“Chase, when your grandfather discovered I was pregnant he was very vocal about his disappointment, about how ashamed he was. I knew I wanted to keep the baby, keep you, but lived with that shame for a long time. I let it keep me small and scared. The thought that I would go there and tell him and he wouldn't want me anymore, wouldn’t want us, it was too much. My heart couldn’t take it.”
