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The braces phase. The acne phase. The blunt bangs emo phase. The pizza rolls every night of the week until I started to resemble a pizza roll phase. The I don’t care about how I look (except I really, really do care about how I look) phase.
And through all of them, good or bad—mostly bad—Nash and Mack were beside me, smiling like goofballs. I should really put some of these in our group chat.
From the moment we met in the girls’ bathroom, we’d been pretty much inseparable. Not on my account. I was perfectly happy to go through high school without any actual friends, it had worked up until that point, after all. You get used to being alone when you move schools as often as I did. Alone was easy. Alone worked for me. It meant I could focus on my school work and get into college and make Aunt Peggy proud. But the two of them had other plans. They didn’t leave me alone. They saved me seats at lunch. They somehow managed to rearrange class schedules so the three of us were together in every period. They dragged me along to every godforsaken party no matter the night of the week. The three of us were a unit. They were the first people that didn’t have to be friends with me because we were neighbors or because our parents were dating. Those were less friendships than they were truces, agreements to get along until we never saw each other again. And, as grotesquely cheesy as it was to admit, they made me feel like just being me was enough. That I was worthy of friendship just because of who I was.
“Okay!” Mom said, pulling me out of my head. I hadn’t expected to feel quite so emotional. But then everything with Mack was not helping my mental state right at the moment so I guess it was to be expected. I wondered if I should tell Mom. Ask for advice. But the words lodged themselves in my throat and refused to move.
Oblivious to my internal meltdown, Mom kept talking, “You’ve got three choices. Keep. Donate. Trash. Keep can go into this box. Donate this one and trash in the bag. You want me to help?”
“I got it, Mom, thanks.” I turned back to the room, to young Chase. Mom hadn’t left, I could sense her hovering just inside the door.
“He offered to help. It felt strange to say no.”
I hated that I’d made her feel like she needed to explain. But of course she felt like she had to. I had never been an easy person.
“You don’t need to justify why your husband is here.” The word husband only sounded slightly sarcastic.
“Chase, will you look at me please.”
I turned to face her.
“I understand that this has all been hard for you. Things happened quickly with Derrick, I certainly didn’t anticipate the two of us being married and living together before Christmas. And, yet, here we are.”
“Here we are,” I echoed.
“But I’m happy and I want you to be happy for me.” God that made me feel like a terrible daughter, and it should, because I hadn’t been acting like I was happy for her. I’d been too busy moping and thinking of myself.
“I am, of course I am.”
“Are we going to talk about Thanksgiving?”
“Do you think right now is the best time to do that?”
“I don't think there is a best time for it, sweetheart, but considering Christmas is a little over a week away, I think it needs to happen. I want you to be part of this family.”
Just when I thought the knife in my chest was gone it twisted again. She wanted me to be part of the new family. Because our little family was gone now. It would never be just the two of us again. Or, more likely, it would, when things with Derrick went sideways and she was alone again. The same way she had been over and over. Why was she putting so much into this one? What made Derrick different? He was nice, sure, but that didn’t mean it was going to last any longer than the rest. Could she really not see the ending?
“We’re having dinner on Christmas Eve, at home, it won’t be the same without you there.”
Home. They were having Christmas dinner athome. I wanted to scream and run as fast and as far from here as I could. But I didn’t. Instead I just nodded and picked up the trash bag.
“Of course, I’ll be there.” Maybe I’d even bring some of Mack’s new ice cream. Maybe I could bring Mack. That felt like both the best and worst idea all at once. Would he come with me? Did I want him to? I didn’t particularly like the person I was with Mom and Derrick and their new family, I wasn’t sure I wanted Mack to see that and yet I couldn’t deny the fact that him being there would make me feel like I had someone on my side.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me for that.”
She came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my middle, her chin resting on my shoulder. “You’re my whole heart walking around outside my body, I hope you know that, baby.”
I squeezed her hands. “I better get started if I want to make it to work on time.”
“Of course, let me know if you need any help.”
“I will, thanks.”
After one last squeeze she let me go and left the room and I stood there staring at posters of the Jonas Brothers and Kings of Leon with no real idea where to start.
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