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I pull away from him and run my hands up his head, feeling his soft hair tickle my palms until I’m cradling his face. Seeing the confusion in his eyes, I lean forward and kiss him softly before untangling myself from him and crawling back to where I was sitting before–a relatively safe distance away.
I hope.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice husky and sexy.
“Nothing. I uh…I just don’t think we should get carried away. I know you think I’m some girl who sleeps with a man a second after she meets him, but I’m really not.” I zip my fleece back up, and put my sweatshirt back on.
“Ashley,” he murmurs, turning my face back towards his. “I don’t think that. At all.” His eyes are glowing–still turned on. He’s just saying this so I’ll climb back onto his lap. I knew my impulsive nature would catch up to me one day.
“You don’t have to lie to save my feelings, Ryan.”
“I’m not lying. And I wouldn’t lie to you. I don’t think you’re anything but a beautiful woman I can’t have, and a strong woman who deserves better.”
I deserve better than him, or better in life?
Because I agree with the second, but I don’t really think the first is possible.
“And now I’m just another man assuming you want him. I’m sorry.”
He’s apologizing?
“You’re not assuming,” I whisper. “I just have to go back in a few days, and I…” I look away. “I just can’t.”
What I really want to say is that I can’t go back to dreaming of you every night, and reliving the same moments over and over in my head every day. He haunts me day and night, but he’s the most beautiful nightmare I’ve ever had.
“Tell me about your family.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Tell me about your life back home.”
“Oh…um. Well, it’s just my mom and I.” Hugging my arms around my waist, I lift my knees to my chest. “My dad died when I was 20. Eight years ago. He was the best person in my life.”
Reaching out, Ryan strokes the side of my arm. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice full of regret.
“It was cancer. I knew it was coming, but I still wasn’t ready. He was always there for me, no matter what. He taught me to be a strong woman and to stand on my own two feet, but I could always count on him to be there if I needed him. He was the only one in my life like that. Then, and now.”
“What about your mom?”
“She shut down after he died. We have more of a superficial relationship. Everything is okay as long as we don’t dive into the deeper stuff. Before, though, she was always happy–smiling, laughing, living life to the fullest. My parents were the epitome of true love. They lived, and loved, fiercely–with everything they had. But it was taken from them. Without choice.” Shaking my head, I look into the flame of one of the candles, a ghost of a smile on my lips. “I can still hear my dad telling me to ‘live big, and love hard,’ though. It was one of the last things he said to me during one his life lesson lectures he started giving me towards the end.”
“And have you?”
“I think so. He told me he never regretted anything, even dying from cancer. He said that it just made him appreciate the time hedidget to have, that much more.”
“That must have been a hard realization to come to. I don’t think many people would share that wisdom if they were in the same situation.”
“I know. He was the best.” A few tears escape my eyes, and fall against my knees. I wipe them away quickly, though. I don’t want Ryan to see me cry.
“Hey,” he whispers, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. I rest my head against his chest, and take a deep breath to calm my nerves. “He sounds like he was a great man. You’re lucky.”
“Is your dad not great?”
“Yeah, he is. As the oldest, though, I have a slightly different relationship with him than my brothers.”
“How?”
“I had a lot of pressure put on me to be the best. The best student, athlete, role model, son, and brother. Anything you can think of, I was meant to be the best at it.”
