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Resting my head back, I close my eyes and toss the book to the other side of the couch. I definitely shouldn’t have picked up Pablo Neruda either.
All I can think of is Ryan and I laying together after he’s taken me, and in that dream-like state afterwards, feeling connected to him in a way that doesn’t compare to anything else–between fire and water.
Keeping my eyes closed, I hunker down into the cushions and wrap the blanket tight around my shoulders, letting myself drift off to sleep with thoughts of Ryan and me–together, burning, loving, being.
∞∞∞
With a deep breath in, my eyes open to a brightly lit room. Squinting, I blink rapidly to adjust to the assaulting light. Why is it so freaking bright in here?
I scan the room, and then realize where the light is coming from. I sit up so fast my head spins, but I don’t care. The electricity is back! The lamps that were on when the power went out shine like beacons of both freedom and the end.
The freedom to shower with hot water, charge my phone, watch TV, drink coffee, and eat food. But it also marks the end of this whole arrangement. I don’t have a reason to stay.
Well, I have every reason to want to stay, but no reason that forces me to.
Yawning, I make my way upstairs and into my room. A few seconds after plugging my phone in and turning it on, a flood of messages blows up my screen.
Shit. Most are from the group chat, but there are some from Ally before her phone died, and then a couple from my mom.
Sighing, I throw myself on the bed and type out what feels like a blanket answer for all the inquiries in our group chat.
Sorry, guys. The power only just came back on and I plugged my phone in. Thanks for blowing that shit up. Anyway, I’m not really ready to talk about everything, but just know I’m sorry for before. I’m just feeling all mixed up and confused, but I have a date with Ryan tonight. And as excited as I am, I’m nervous.
After pressing send, I call my mom, and she picks up on the third ring. “Hi, honey,” her warm voice greets.
“Hey, mom. How are you?”
“I’m concerned about you, Ashley. You haven’t answered any of my messages in days. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m fine. A blizzard hit, and the power went out a few days ago, and so my phone was dead.”
“Oh my God, Ashley!” She gasps. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah. I’ve been with Ally and Jake this whole time, so we all survived together.” I chuckle, trying to pass off that lie to a woman who used to always know when I was deceiving her.
“Oh, good, good.” She sighs, and I can hear the relief in her voice.
“But it stopped this morning, and the power just came back on, so I’ll just be a few more days probably. I want to make sure the roads are clear before trying to come home.”
“Don’t rush, honey. Please, just be safe. Did you call work?”
Oh, shit. I forgot I didn’t tell her that I quit. “Yeah, they’re fine. It’s not like I can magically appear for a shift or anything.”
“Just checking.”
“I know, sorry. I’m just rethinking a few things, and my job there is one of them.”
“You’ll find what you need, honey. I know you will.”
“Thanks, mom.” I don’t think she realizes how much I needed her to say that to me. “I’ll call you when I know more.”
“Just be safe, and don’t take any unnecessary risks.” With the slight tremble in her voice, I know she’s thinking about my dad. She doesn’t want to lose me like she did him. I get it, but living with extreme caution isn’t really living.
“Of course not, mom. I’ll be good. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Hanging up, I heave a sigh of relief. Talking with her always leaves me feeling a little less like myself. I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells with her, even eight years later. I’ve seen her slowly coming back to life this past year when I moved back home, but she still has a long way to go. And I know she loves having me living with her, but I won’t be there forever.
