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KAI
It breaksmy heart to not be able to open myself up to her.
And trying to diminish her concerns with canned answers only makes things worse.
She doesn’t buy it––I can tell––but she tries to go along with my story while I feed her distrust with my shallow explanations.
What I said about my father is entirely true.
What she doesn’t know is many things about my father are still unknown to me, and some of them might be connected to her past.
If that’s the case, I’m afraid of what could happen.
My gut tells me I might find something horrible about my father, and it could be related to her house. Or her family.
I don’t know.
My intuition also tells me our destinies are intertwined in ways I can’t even fathom.
I’m in a race against time because I need to know the truth before I talk to her. No matter how ugly or vicious the truth is, I need to know what happened in the past.
Without that knowledge, I can’t tell what I’m getting into. I can’t predict the future.
I can’t rely on her reactions.
Her reactions are unpredictable.
And, yes. I’m afraid that I might lose her. I just got a taste of it right now.
Even without the complications created by the unknown parts of this story, establishing trust between my father and her is like mixing oil with water.
It just won’t happen. It’s impossible.
So I’m aware this thing is doomed from the start.
And I know she knows that too. I have sensed her reservations, and I can’t blame her.
I felt the disquietude in her soul. I could read her as much as she could read me.
And I know what I felt when I had her in my arms.
I sensed her desperation, her hunger for me, and her fears regarding our future.
There is no future for us right now, and she wants it as much as I want it, but there are so many more steps we need to take before reaching that point.
She thinks I have the answers. Sadly, I do not.
Some things aren’t in my grasp, and I’m not talking about feelings here. I know how I feel about her.
I was aware of them from way back when she knew nothing about me, yet she looked at me like she could live with me till the end of time.
“Let’s go back to bed…” I say, cupping her face and holding her gaze.
She nods, her eyes moving down. Her sadness feels like salt in my secret wounds.
It feels like clouds have gathered on the horizon, and rain is about to pour into her eyes.
