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The lights are up. The Christmas tree is glowing by the window in the living room. Garlands adorn the sills.
I found a dozen candles, and they are all lit, their lights flickering in the rooms. It smells like fresh pines and cinnamon, and it’s warm inside.
The old radio on the counter plays Christmas songs when I walk into the kitchen.
I’m seemingly unstoppable, and none of this would’ve happened had I not had such a crappy day.
I’m hungry, and there is not an ounce of cooked food in the house. I have no bread because I didn’t buy any when I shopped for groceries, so… After digging inside the pantry, I walk away with flour and instant yeast.
I know I have a quick bread recipe here somewhere. And I find it in a drawer. It was handwritten by my mother. I mix the ingredients, knead it by hand, make two loaves of bread, and sure enough, it’s in the oven an hour later.
The entire process is cathartic.
It’s like spending time with my parents, moving away from my current life, and being with someone who cares for me. Even though it’s all ghosts and memories.
I get emotional at some point and stoically push my feelings back. What good does it do to me to feel that way?
While waiting for the bread, I use a brownie mix and bake some brownies.
It’s one in the morning, and I wear my pajamas, fluffy slippers, and a plush robe when I sit at the kitchen table.
The house looks alive and is dimly lit. Christmas carols drip in the air. It’s warm inside, and it smells like bread and cookies.
I eat bread with butter and drink tea while flicking my finger across my phone screen, checking other people’s pictures.
Exactly what I said I wouldn’t do.
There’s no one I can talk to at this time, and despite being exhausted, I don’t feel like going to sleep.
I’m still too wired up.
I scroll mindlessly before a thought pops into my head. My finger hovers over Francisco and Alejandro’s names.
It’s late. Too late. But I start typing.
Me: When are you coming back?
The first one goes to Francisco.
The second one goes to Alejandro.
With that, I’m done scrolling.
