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By saying those words, he walks away from this game for a moment and no longer pretends that everything is all right, introducing me to a world of pain.
I have this feeling we are nearing a breakup. One word and our reality could change.
We would have nothing to hide behind. And we would be forced to face a new reality.
He’s tied me to him.
Whether willingly, knowingly, inadvertently… Who cares?I’m tied to him.
My pain comes from him.
And maybe Alejandro was right.
Maybe both of them would’ve given me pain had they been in Kai’s shoes.
Maybe love is pain at some point.
And perhaps that should be my hint.
I don’t know if Kai is tied to me.
To some degree, he is, or he wouldn’t chase ghosts at two o’clock in the morning and turn livid when he finds out that other men fill the void around me.
He could easily fill that void.
He doesn’t… At least not always.
But he makes sure no one else does it either.
Sometimes, I want someone to hug me. And Alejandro did that for me too many times. It’s unfair to ask him to do it when he can’t be my man in the end.
So, that’s where we are.
His admitting that Alejandro plays a role in my life is akin to acknowledging how far away we are from each other.
Kai and me.
And that’s why this feels like a breakup.
There are expectations to be crushed, promises to be forgotten, and swift reconciliations to be made if we move forward, but maybe that will never happen.
Maybe Kai will never be what I need him to be.
And also…
Many things don’t favor us.
And we could probably work around them, but not this. We can’t work around this.
My fury with him this evening has been fueled by anger and disappointment. And somehow I knew what that meant. Where it came from.
The lack of communication.
The miscommunication.
His jealousy. And mine.
Cardenas’ proposal.
