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“Some of them might be in on it with him,” Cain says. “Donovan owed him. Who else might he have in his pocket?”
“That’s true,” North concedes. He growls with frustration and runs a hand through his hair. I wish I could take his frustration away. I wish I could fix everything for them and take care of this mess. I always take care of my own messes.
But for once this is something beyond my control. Something that I can’t fix on my own. It’s bigger than I am, and I feel like a fucking pawn on a chessboard. I hate it.
I hand Raven the healing potion. “Drink up, or I’ll make you.”
Raven gives me a look that’s half fondness, half exasperation, but he downs the potion and sets the empty vial down on the table. He stares at the wall once he’s finished.
I watch as the cut on his inner arm knits together and smooths over, like it was never there. Healing potions are the best and fastest way to deal with injuries but they cost a lot. I usually just deal with bandages.
Raven’s just staring at the wall. “Are you sure that’s all you were hurt?” I ask.
Was he injured in some way that a basic healing potion can’t handle? I know there’s something going on that he’s not telling me about.
“Who among our contacts should we reach out to?” Cain says loudly.
He’s trying to change the subject so that I stop interrogating Raven. Well, okay, fine. I know when I’m being told to back off. I’m not exactly an open book about my own shit. I’ll try to be respectful with Raven.
I squeeze his hand and then go and sit down on the couch again. Cain gives me a warm, sympathetic look.
“We can go over our list in the morning,” North says. “Figure out who we can trust and get the word out. This isn’t something to be taken lightly and we need to act fast, but if we act too rashly, we could end up causing more problems for ourselves. A good night’s sleep and we’ll be able to think better.”
That’s logical. I’m exhausted. I’ve been up for hours and the last time I was unconscious it wasn’t exactly in the grip of a happy relaxing sleep.
“We should all take showers,” I say. “Raven, you can go first.”
“No, no, you should go,” Cain says.
North nods in agreement with Cain. Raven doesn’t react.
“I want you guys to take care of yourselves,” I reply. “Don’t be so worried about me that you’re dead on your feet. I’m a big girl.” I nod at Raven. “Go on. Please.”
Raven once told me that he wanted to do whatever I wanted. That making me happy was how he was happy. That worries me, because I want Raven to be his own person. But right now, if it makes him do what I say and take care of himself? Then I’ll take it.
Raven nods in acquiescence and gets up, going into the bathroom.
Once the door clicks shut I look at North. “What’s going on with him?” I whisper. “Is he okay? Should we get him to someone?”
I don’t want to talk behind Raven’s back, but I want to understand what’s going on.
North shakes his head. He walks over to join Cain and me on the couch and sits down on my other side. “Raven’s had some bad shit in his past. It makes him averse to being restrained or locked up. It’s not good for him. But I promise you, he’s okay. Or he will be. He just needs time to deal with it in his own way.”
It sounds like Raven’s having to be reminded of past trauma. My heart aches, and I’m tempted to go join him in the shower and just hold him under the warm water, to try to soothe him. But I don’t know if he’d appreciate that. He might want some space from everyone right now. I need to respect that.
“You sure he’ll be fine? He doesn’t need us?”
“He just needs time to get out of that bad headspace. Watch. He’ll take an extra-long shower and then by the time we wake up, he’ll be almost back to his usual self.”
I have to trust what North is saying. Since he’s known Raven for much longer than I have, years and years longer, and I’ve only known these men for a week or so.
That doesn’t mean I can stop worrying.
Raven comes out of the shower half an hour later, and he does seem to be a bit better. He nods at me as he passes, and he doesn’t quite smile, but his face seems softer. He looks around and seems to actually see the things around him, to actually take in the world rather than just being completely withdrawn into himself.
That’s good. I look over at North and Cain. “Which one of you is next?”
North gives me an unimpressed look, but I fold my arms and lower my gaze at him, challenging him. I’m not giving in on this. The guys have been taking care of me all this time, and I appreciate it but it’s a two-way street. I need to be able to look after them, too.
