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“Go to sleep, Catherine. It’s been a long day.”
Not waiting for a response, he adjusted his painful erection and strode to the door before closing it gently. He stared at the sitting room. It was supposed to be a place of shared tranquility. He guffawed bitterly. Would this house ever know serenity? He heard rustling beyond the far door. The popinjay was about. Nicholas could not face Isaac’s colorful countenance right now. After pulling open the door to the hall, he quietly descended the staircase and stood at the bottom of it, oddly disoriented. On the battlefield, life had been linear. He had forgotten how circular it was here. Just when you thought you’d made headway, you were back at the beginning.
Pausing at the billiards room, he contemplated entering. It would pass the time, but it would provide no relief. After strolling quickly past it, down the hall, he pushed into the study. Daniel’s study—his study now.Bloody hell.Sitting at the desk, he stared at the darkness beyond the window. Had Daniel ever sat here in the night to ponder life? To think about Catherine?
Nicholas lit the candle, yanked open the drawer, and stared at the bundles. He had not been to the room since finding the letters. He’d been too busy with the estate. He was lying to himself. The estate had not kept him from the room. He’d been using work as an excuse to avoid Catherine and to escape thoughts of Daniel. Was he finally ready for more revelations? Lifting out the next packet, he placed it on the desk, running his hand over the papers. Daniel had written these. Addressed them to Nicholas. He owed it to his brother to read them. Surprisingly, Nicholas’s hand shook as he pulled the ribbon.
My Dearest Brother,
I live in fear of news from the continent. I know it is in your nature to take charge, to see to everyone’s welfare, and I fear it will lead to no good end in such an environment. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. Damn this war for stealing you away.
Father is solemn and speaks very little when he deigns to join the table. When he does, it is to exalt your role in the future of England. He says Wellesley has great plans for you. He pontificates your virtues, and oddly, I believe his genuineness. How sad he never shared his admiration while you stood before him in the flesh.
His father spoke highly of Nicholas? He could not remember a word of praise from the man’s mouth, yet Daniel had written of esteem. Daniel, ever the optimist, had no doubt been projecting his own goodwill.
I am still hesitant to speak with you of my happiness when I know that you are enduring endless hardship. But I have no one with whom I can share my joy. And, dear brother, I know that you know love and will recognize my earnestness.
Nicholas rested the letter on the desk. This was the one. He grabbed it, crumpled it, and pivoted awkwardly toward the fire. The cold, empty hearth mocked his attempt. There would be no escape. He swiveled back, lay the paper on the mahogany surface, and methodically pressed his hand across the wrinkled page, trying to flatten his nerves as much as the parchment.
We walked in the woods today, hand in hand, acquainting ourselves to this growing affection. We spoke of you and our mutual esteem for all you do, both wishing we could exemplify your qualities but knowing that you will forever be beyond our ilk. Despite that, we agreed we admire you immensely and love you deeply.
Our own love is still fresh, new, and unexplored. We recognize it is not proper, that we are betraying many by indulging in it, including you, but we are having great difficulty fighting its pull. Our pleasure will result in so much pain. It is distressing to think upon it. Perhaps there is a solution not yet clear.
I will keep you apprised, dear brother, of developments. For the one thing I have never doubted in this life is your support—and your love.
He read quickly through the sheaf of paper, but Daniel made no more reference to his blossoming relationship. Nicholas slammed his fist against the desk.Damn. They had fallen for the same woman. Could he blame Daniel? After all, his brother had stood alongside Catherine, begging Nicholas not to go to the continent. He had left the two of them together, foolishly thinking he’d be gone a year, two at most, and that Daniel would watch over her. Well, he certainly had. That and more.
Then again, if not Daniel, another may have stepped into the void Nicholas had created. Perhaps he should be grateful it was his brother. Satisfying pain rippled as the second pounding on the hard wood vibrated up his arm. He had asked Daniel to care for her, not to…care for her?We recognize it is not proper, that we are betraying many by indulging in it, including you, but we are having great difficulty fighting its pull.Were they to blame that he had left them to find one another? He rested his head on the cool mahogany. Dear Lord, he thought he’d left the insanity on the continent.
“My lord?”
“Go away.” Could he be more childish? Raising his head, he twisted to face Isaac.
The man eyed the pile of letters, sympathy deepening the cherub’s lines. “My lord, he was a good man. A kind man. A man who loved deeply.”
Nicholas felt defeated. Clearly the relationship had not been a secret. And despite poaching from his own brother, Daniel had earned the devotion of this egocentric dandy. Because Danielwasa good man. Had been a good man. Nicholas knew that. He’d always known that Daniel was decent to the core. A kind soul.For the one thing I have never doubted in this life is your support—and your love.Nicholas ran a hand down his face, trying to wipe away the image of Daniel’s sincerity, his belief that Nicholas was an equal man. Memories swirled like leaves in the wind.
“My lord, morning is nigh. A few hours of sleep may restore your equilibrium.”
Nicholas blew out the candle and followed Isaac up the stairs. Nicholas had never been more discouraged.
