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Chapter Twenty-One
If you have tears, prepare to shed themnow.
—Shakespeare,Julius Caesar
Nicholas intended toavoid the folly. He should have taken the path by the gatehouse, but his feet chose otherwise. He’d been so proud of this structure, so cocksure that his talent lay in architecture, in designing imposing edifices and, perhaps, dabbling in shipping to ensure the best of materials for his projects. His father had mocked it all, making a particular point to ridicule any mercantile aspirations. Nicholas had had no choice but to join the army. It had been his only sure alternative, the only way to guarantee a place in the world. A place far from his father.
He mounted the steps but paused at the door. Catherine’s scent lay beyond it. Her look, her touch, her memory. He clung to their first lovemaking, for sanity. He could not taint it with the letters. Daniel did not belong past the threshold.
Instead, Nicholas sank down onto the step, and his tense muscles eventually relaxed against the warm stone. It was a beautiful summer day, and he wore no overcoat nor gloves. Even so, it was becoming uncomfortably warm. He shrugged from his jacket and laid it across his lap, staring out at the water sparkling in the morning sun. He had taught Catherine to swim in this lake. As Daniel had taught him.
But have you ever asked her?Stratton’s words hovered like a heavy fog. Why had Nicholas not? He clenched his fist, then relaxed it one finger at a time. Because he did not want to hear it, was unwilling to face the bald truth. For Catherine would not deny it. It was not in her to lie. He knew in his heart that she had not been clamoring for a title, would never do so. No, she would speak of her love for Daniel, and it would tear Nicholas apart. He had not asked herwhy, because he was a coward.
He pulled out the packet and laid his jacket aside. Setting the bundle on his thighs, he stared at the ribbon that kept it bound. Daniel’s last words. His brother’s words. To Nicholas. Here lay the truth.…and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.The book of John? He couldn’t quite recall.
Resting his head back against the door, he closed his eyes and let the warmth wash over his face. A dove cooed. Its mate responded. The wind rustled restlessly as birds fussed. Their call was low, melodic but insistent. So mournful.
He sat upright and shifted so his back was fully braced. He pulled the ribbon and carefully unfolded the first letter. He didn’t know if he could ever bear to hear Catherine proclaim her feelings for Daniel. Perhaps his brother’s words would provide the bridge.
My Dearest Brother,
We hear of your exploits. It seems Father has a childhood relationship with your commander. He sends brief updates, laced with lauds of your accomplishments, declaring that you make Father proud. While it would kill the old man to acknowledge that sentiment, I have noted he shares these missives with all who will stand still long enough for his pontification of your virtues. I would laugh if I did not fear so for your safety.
Nicholas scanned the next few letters. They were reiterations of his movements on the continent and a review of their father’s improving health. He unfolded the second-to-last one from the pile. Maybe Daniel had never shared the truth? He would surely have known the pain it would cause. Daniel had been a kind soul and might have tried to avoid that.
My Dearest Brother,
Forgive me. I told Father of my love tonight, despite the certainty he would be furious. It was sheer insanity. I knew it then as I know it now, but I needed him to understand why he should place his faith in you for the future. Father would not accept it. He has decried a pox on our family if I do not produce his heir.
It darkens further, dear brother. He swears he will share, with the world, the perversity of his son. His words, not mine, I assure you. Although, I cannot argue that I do not feel adrift in my longings. Perhaps his words are more truth than my heart wishes to hear. Catherine says I am not to dwell on it, that we do not get to choose whom we love and it should not be repudiated. As livid as Father is, I cannot believe he would tell all and sundry, but he is our father, and I have rarely seen the grace of humanity light his face.
He demands an expeditious marriage. I do not have your fortitude. Forgive me, for I know you lose far more than you will gain. However, if I do not deny my love for Laurence, then there will be no life for any of us, including our beloved Catherine. You know the world will decry it, that shame will fall upon both families. She is in agreement and comes to the marriage with full knowledge of all that is at stake. It is her love for all of us that fortifies her choice. It keeps us all strong.
Forgive me, dear brother.
Nicholas reread it twice, and his skin grew clammy as he registered its full import. He shifted quickly, and bile mixed with Nan’s biscuits splattered the climbing shrubs. The putrid, acidic smell mingled with the sweet fragrance of roses, and he heaved again in response. Then again. Finally he slumped back against the door.
Daniel. Laurence.Bloody hell.
He sucked the air until his lungs filled and his breathing calmed. Laurence. Catherine. And him. Daniel had loved them all.Blast and damn. He fisted the paper, crumpling it into a ball. No one need ever know. Except Catherine. His father. No doubt Catherine’s father.Have you ever asked her?
His head ached. He had assumed the worst of her. But how the hell could he ever have known this was the root of her betrayal?
The lake flickered, sparkling in the sunlight, shimmering with joy. Daniel holding Nicholas’s hands as he floated like a dead man.I’ve got you, Nick. You’re safe.Catherine’s legs wrapped around his body as he treaded water, too excited to speak.I feel safe with you, Nick.
The sky stretched, an endless blue. Endless. He squeezed his eyes tight, trying to block out the images. If only it were true, but the blue was not limitless. Nor was life. Both were finite. Especially life. He’d seen that firsthand. He’d seen that it was absolute. His gut wrenched. How could this hurt so much after his witnessing all that?
Unfolding the final letter, he smoothed it gently. His brother had not betrayed Nicholas as he’d thought. Daniel had not stolen Catherine’s heart. She’d been a sacrificial lamb. Anger simmered, then quickly calmed as Nicholas’s racing pulse slowed. Not her heart, and that mattered most of all.
My Dearest Brother,
I find myself at a crossroads, unable to make a clearheaded decision. How I wish you were here, my younger only in years, certainly not in wisdom. You were born an old sage. You would have prevented this situation I have allowed to develop, made me see reason. It will come to no good end for any of us.
Of one thing I am certain. I cannot let Catherine make this sacrifice. I love you all too deeply to allow for such a pretense. It is unbearably painful in thought. I cannot imagine how horrendous the everyday reality would become. For all of us.
I am to meet Laurence in the woods in the morning. For all our sakes, I will end this farce today.
