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Chapter 11
After we returned tohis suite and showered, we climbed into his bed, too exhausted to do anything else but talk and sleep. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his even, calm breathing, wanting him to understand why I’d reacted the way I did earlier. The reason I’d become emotional. “I met Nico at my neighborhood grocery store four years ago today.” His breathing hitched before it became even again. “He was this attractive man buying flowers and asked me if it was in poor taste to buy a woman flowers from the grocery store instead of a florist. I told him it wouldn’t matter to me because flowers are a thoughtful gesture. He thanked me, and I went on to finish shopping. When I pushed my basket through the doors, he stood nearby with the prettiest bouquet of colorful spring flowers and promised me he wasn’t a stalker or crazy. He noticed me a couple of times in the store because he lived nearby and wanted to approach me. Since it was a cold day, he asked if we could have coffee in the store next door after I put my groceries in the car. Something about him reminded me of home, and I agreed. After that day, we were damn near inseparable. I remember thinking how blessed I was and that I had to be the luckiest woman in the world to be with a man that felt meant for me. Even when we argued, we never stayed angry long.
We’d just started planning our wedding when I found blood in my urine. Because of my mother, I immediately sought an appointment with my doctor and was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer. My mother had stage two and didn’t survive, so I thought I’d been sentenced to death. Flashbacks flooded my brain of how life came to a standstill when my mother was diagnosed. A life that never really returned to normal. I went home that day, turned off my phone, and slept for hours. The next day I woke up with missed calls from Nico and decisions about my future made. I would battle it alone and pray I won. And if I was losing, I would tell my best friend, brother, and father. They all lived in another city. I could keep my secret until I was ready. Nico was another story. We practically lived together, and he would be in the trenches with me.”
Bakari asked quietly, “If what you said about your man was true, or even a decent man, he would’ve been there for you. Why go through an ordeal like that alone?”
“I watched my daddy become a shell of a man when my mother got real sick. He couldn’t handle seeing the end of his beloved wife. I had to take over her care. I had to make sure the bills were paid because he could only go to work and come home. My brother was a senior in high school and involved in so many activities I couldn’t count. So, I stopped doing anything important to me to be there for my mother at the ripe old age of sixteen. Thankfully her last days were peaceful, and I stayed at her bedside. Only left to give my father time to be alone with her. It’s been years, and my father is still haunted when he was once gregarious and so full of life.
The doctors also said that I would eventually need a hysterectomy. All Nico talked about was us starting a family. He would’ve insisted we forget the wedding and get married. That children were no longer necessary. He would’ve been more than there for me. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to see the light die in his eyes if I didn’t beat cancer or couldn’t have children. I figured we weren’t married yet. He would get over me and be with someone else. Have the marriage and family he’d always wanted.”
“Once you were cancer free, why not tell him then?”
I traced the fine hairs on his stomach, contemplating his answer. “I swear rationality and common sense came back the minute my doctor told me I was in remission thirteen months later. None of the reasons I thought were valid to keep my diagnosis to myself seemed to matter. Pride, stupidity, fear, and embarrassment that I didn’t believe in him enough kept me from calling him. That Nico would be angry and hurt and may not forgive me for breaking his heart with a weak ass explanation. The day I found out I was cancer free, I checked his social media, and he had one pic with another woman laughing at a party, and he seemed happy. He doesn’t post himself with women unless he’s serious. The same woman is now his fiancé. The point of me leaving him in the first place was for him to go on and be happy. So, I pushed whatever feelings I had for him and focused on moving forward.
I traced the folds in his belly button that rose and fell with his every breath. “And you were right. I did want to be alone tonight and was feeling sorry for myself, thinking of what could’ve been had cancer not come between us.
“You.” He paused. “You meanyoucame in between the two of you. Couples fight cancer all the time together.”
My eyes flashed as I defended. “You don’t know what it was like being around my dad and brother. What it took to take care of my mother.”
Bakari softened his tone. “You’re right. I don’t know the depths of that type of pain and how it impacted you. I hope I never endure the pain of losing any of my family to illness. Sorry if I seem judgmental.” He rubbed my back gently. “Did you have to have the hysterectomy?”
I buried my head in his chest and sighed, “No. And now you’re going to say I really had no reason not to reach out to him.”
He chuckled. “Glad you’re reading my mind.”
“My brother says I should call him in case there’s still a chance. I think it’s too late.”
“I agree with your brother.”
Propping my elbows on his chest, I looked up at him. “Is this to assuage your guilt of not even considering me as an option? Hoping that he and I magically get back together once Nico and I speak. And you and I will live happily ever after with different people?”
Bakari lifted his head to meet my gaze. “I don’t feel guilty about anything. I’m not saying that you and I aren’t ever possible. I can’t and won’t predict the future. But we have other lives back in the states in which we may not make sense. I live in Atlanta, may even be in D.C. soon, and you’re in Cincinnati. I don’t do long-distance relationships, for starters. It doesn’t matter if your ex has moved on. He deserves to know what really happened. I know if my future wife suddenly changed her mind about marrying me without much explanation and then cut me out of her life, it would eat at my soul. That man sounds like he was deeply in love with you. As the woman I think you are who wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone, at least tell him why. Tell him your story like you’ve been telling me this whole week.”
I laid my head back on his chest and snuggled against him. He tightened his arm around me, and after a few minutes of silence, I heard his deep breathing. I remained awake, lost in memories and thoughts about this man with whom I grew closer, yet I didn’t feel like I knew anything more about him than the first day. Then I focused on Nico and how much pain I put him through. He did deserve to know everything and that I still loved him. I wondered if I could handle the outcome of that conversation if it didn’t go in my favor because I hadn’t moved on. Not one bit.
