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I sigh and look back towards the kitchens, remembering the look on Katie Oliver’s face when she saw the cake I’m supposed to be making for her. Oh, it’s all just too much. I need space, or Belle. Alex is what I need. The Alex before all this. I need the one who smiled and laughed, all the time tying me up in something that I shouldn’t like but do. “Or you, by the sound of it.”
No, I’m not alright either.
My hand cradles my stomach, unsure what I am, as tears start to spring into my eyes. I’m lost I think. Or maybe overwhelmed and in need of something I have no clue about.
“I don’t know what to do, Lilah.” Teresa stares at me, thumb in her mouth as if she’s contemplating conversation to try calming me down. It’s not going to work. I’m scared to death, have been for months now. Every move I make. Every object I lift. It’s like the thought of anything taking this baby away from me is terrifying, making me question everything and everyone around me all the time.
“Okay. So, shall I come to you instead? I’ll bring Pascal with me. When will Alex be back?”
“I don’t know. He’s barely talking to me.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know that either.”
“Wanker,” she spits. The word makes me snort a little, still amused that she gets to say anything to him and he allows it for some reason. “I’ll call him. Are you able to go home now? You need to calm down and relax.” I sigh and flop back against the sofa, still holding my hand over my stomach. If only I could, no matter how much I want to. Teresa taps her face then reaches for her own phone and wanders off, closing the office door behind her.
“No, I’ve got too much to do here. Later maybe,” I reply, closing my eyes and wishing everything was simpler than it is. “I’m just tired, I think.”
“No you’re not. You’re a mess. I can hear it in you. Which means the great Alexander fucking White isn’t doing his job properly.” There is that. He hasn’t touched me for months either. Well, except for kissing on the sofa, as and when he deigns me with his presence that is.
“He is being a wanker lately. Literally, actually. Or he’s getting it somewhere else.”
“Well, it’s not Pascal that’s for sure.” Really? I'd assumed he was. If not there then where? Odd. Oh, God. He's seeing someone else. No. He wouldn't, would he?
Maybe he would.
She’s quiet for a minute. It’s nice really, just listening to her breathing. She’s become a close friend in the time we’ve all been together. Someone I can talk to that isn’t Belle. Someone who understands. And is more and more like Roxanne in attitude every single time I meet her. She’s everything really. She has this way of cutting through everyone’s crap, finding a quicker route to whatever we’re stumbling through. And we’ve stumbled through a lot these last few years. Jealousy being the main one of those things. Alex about me. Me about Pascal. Pascal about me and his lacking time with Alex. Apart from her. She doesn’t seem to care who’s fucking whom or when, just as long as Pascal is happy and balanced. That’s her priority, and she’s not afraid to tell anyone exactly who’s in the wrong. “Are you calmer now?” she asks. “This has been about three minutes worth of calm down time. That’s usual for you.”
A long breath leaves me as I smile. She’s right. Three minutes is what I needed.
She’s always bloody right.
“Yeah. I’ll go finish off the rest of the party and then head home,” I say, kicking my half boot off and putting my Converse back on. “When do you think you’ll be here?”
“Whenever I find Pascal.” I tie my shoelace and frown.
“What do you mean whenever you find him?”
“Exactly what I said. He’s disappeared.” Disappeared?
“I’m going to need a little more infor-“
“No, you’re not. You’re going to go home, relax, and wait until we get there. I’ll have Alex do something to organise that kitchen of yours, and then we’re all going to sit down and discuss things like rational adults.” Right. “Whenever I find, Pascal, that is.”
And then she ends the call. Great.
Teresa appears before I’ve had a chance to think.
“So, Belle’s on her way home.”
“What?”
“And don’t start with all the ‘you can manage’bullshit. You can’t. Look at yourself.” For once I’m inclined to agree, but letting Belle know that was not on the cards at any point soon.
“I just need some sleep, Teresa, that’s all.”
“No, you need to stop, Beth. Otherwise it’s going to happen again.”
