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Chapter Twenty-Two
Dean
Coming from a small family, I’ve never really experienced death like this before. Sure, my grandparents both passed away, but that happened when I was younger. I lost my uncle Frank, Kate’s husband, about five years ago, but I don’t recall it hitting me as hard as this. Yes, I was close to him, but I was also a new dad at the time of his death, and just remember going through it in a sleep-deprived daze.
I never even met Josh, and I’m affected.
Maybe it’s because I see the agony in Payton’s face, hear her pain in her voice, and feel it in her touch. And don’t get me started on Meghan. I can’t even look at her. Just the thought of seeing her so broken leaves me tearing up with a golf ball sized lump in my throat. Two hours ago we were smiling and laughing, and now this.
After the doctors left, a grief counselor came into the room and talked with Meghan and Josh’s parents. His brother showed up not long after the doctors exited, and we all had to experience the loss all over again while they told Jason that his brother was gone.
When the coroner came in, Meghan, John, Angie, and Jason all went back to view his body and start to make the final arrangements. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room while they were gone, nor a single word spoken. No one knew what to say. So instead, I just held Payton in my arms and offered her as much strength and support as I could.
While I numbly offered cups of lukewarm coffee to Payton’s sisters, the door opened. A man I’ve not met yet walks in, his hair disheveled and his face full of worry. His eyes zero in on Lexi before he makes a beeline for her. I watch as he wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her neck. I also notice that she’s tense and doesn’t hug him back. I can only assume that’s the elusive husband who didn’t show up at The Beaver tonight.
Now, we’re pulling into my driveway. Payton hasn’t said much since leaving the hospital. I didn’t offer to take her home, instead making the choice for the both of us to take her to my place. Her dad, whom I spoke to very little, took the rest of the girls home, while Grandma went with Meghan to the place she had shared with Josh.
“I feel like I should be with her, you know? I don’t know what I could do, but I feel like she needs all of us right now.”
“Your grandparents and dad are staying with her tonight. I’m sure she’s going to need all of you over the next few weeks, but your dad was right, you should try to get some sleep tonight.”
Unlocking her seatbelt, she says, “I don’t think I can.”
I reach over and graze my finger across her jaw. “You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to, but I think it’ll do you some good to rest for a bit.”
Payton looks out the window as if seeing where we are for the first time. “This is your place?”
“Yeah,” I tell her, unbuckling my own seatbelt. “Bri is away at my mom’s tonight, so I thought we’d come here.”
“Okay.” That one word is full of exhaustion and dejection.
I slip out of my car and head around to help her out. Fortunately, it stopped raining some time while we were at the hospital, so at least we’re not getting soaked to the bone once again. Leading her towards the front door, I keep my arm securely around her waist as we step up to the entrance.
Inside, I give the place a quick once-over. It’s slightly cluttered with toys and half done craft projects, but it doesn’t look too bad. There’s no funky odor or dirty socks on the living room floor so that’s a plus. Payton glances around, but I don’t think she really sees it. Her eyes have a dazed look to them, and I can see the exhaustion settling in.
Making sure the front door is locked securely, I steer her towards the hallway and to my bedroom. It’s dark inside, but instead of turning on the overhead light, I opt for the small lamp on my nightstand. Payton is staring down at the bed, her arms wrapped around her chest in a protective manner. No, I don’t think she has to protect herself from me; I think she’s protecting herself from life, from the hurt and the pain she feels.
“Come on, sweetheart,” I say gently, walking towards her.
She doesn’t say a word as I grab the hem of her shirt. When she realizes what I’m about to do, she raises her arms and stands still. Together, we slowly undress her. It’s not sexual, per se, but comforting, though my wayward cock apparently didn’t get the memo. When she stands in just her bra, because dammit if I didn’t forget that she’s not wearing panties, I grab one of my long sleeved, button-up shirts from the closet. I could probably grab just a tee from the drawer, but something tells me Payton needs the familiarity.
I remove her bra and try to not ogle her amazing breasts. It’s hard, and, well, so am I. Of course I sneak a peek before slipping the shirt over her arms. She’s giving me the slightest grin when I glance up at her face. Of course she would catch my wandering eye, but I can’t help it. I smile back at her.
“Do you need to use the bathroom?”
She shakes her head, her eyelids starting to droop. Grabbing her hand, I lead her towards my bed. With the covers thrown back, my breath catches in my throat at the sight of her lying there. Her warm brown hair fans across my pillow, her soft curves nestled against the bedding. She’s a goddess and doesn’t even realize it.
It only takes me a few minutes to strip out of my own clothes, down to my boxers, and quickly use the bathroom. When I make my way back into my room, I don’t find her sleeping like I expected. I find her crying, and the sight guts me.
Sliding into the bed beside her, I draw her against my chest and let her cry. My skin is wet from her tears, but I don’t make a move to wipe them. Instead, I swipe at her lower eyes, but as soon as one tear is swept away, a new one replaces it. There’s nothing I can say or do to take away her pain, so I choose to do what I’ve done all night: hold her.
With her head nestled against my neck, I stroke the top of her hair, brushing it back with my fingers. I love the way the soft strands feel entwined between each finger, the way it tickles my palm when I grasp it in my hand. At another time, this would be the start of something dirty and erotic, but not now. Not tonight.
Soon, her soft cries turn to sniffles. Reaching over, I set my glasses down on the nightstand, grab a Kleenex from behind my alarm clock and hand it to her. Her face is void of makeup and has been for much of the night. Her eyes are swollen and her face blotchy, but something inside my chest bursts with longing and happiness, and it feels a lot like love. My heart palpitates in my chest, jumping around and tapping out a happy little jig. So much I want to tell her, but can’t. It’s not the right time, and I don’t think she’s ready.
“When I first met Josh, Meghan brought him to dinner for the twins’ birthday. He was so quiet and shy, which you can imagine how that went over with my family. Anyway, Grandpa walked over to him and told him that if he was going to make it in this family, he was going to have to strip naked and dance along to Prince in the middle of the yard. Of course, he was completely flabbergasted at the thought, and just when he was about to make a mad dash for the highway, Grandpa started laughing and told him that he was joking. And the crazy part is, we still don’t know if he really was. Josh rolled with it, though, and was just a part of our family from that moment. He went everywhere Meggy went, would do anything for her. He loved her so fiercely, so infinitely that I don’t know how the sun will come up in a few hours in his absence.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him. Ryan told me great things about him,” I tell her soothingly, rubbing small circles on her upper back.
