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Outside the office she hesitated. Where should she go? Her bedroom was awash with gowns and boxes. Johnny and Will had set up the billiard table in the library. Aunt Madge was supervising the replacement of candles in the saloon. The gallery—? Oh, but there was a far better place. With a smile, she crept into the blue saloon, opened the door to the secret stair and began to climb.
The attics were freezing. She remembered the bedroom at the far end, filled with afternoon sunshine, and hurried along the passage, the glass roof lighting her way. The bedroom was just as she had last seen it, except that the lacquered vase on the washstand was gone. In its place was a piece of sheet music — how strange!
But she could not think of that now. Dusting off a chair, she sat and tore open the letter.
‘My dearest, most beloved Julia, Forgive my presumption in addressing you thus, and in the form of a letter, but it is impossible for me to say all that is in my heart when you are with me, for my tongue ties itself in knots and my brain turns to porridge. Pray allow me, then, to speak freely to you in this way, as I now must or my heart will surely burst. Perhaps you will never see this letter, but if it should reach your eyes, I beseech you to accept it in the humble spirit in which it is written. For some weeks I have been in relentless pursuit of you, regardless of your wishes in the matter. You have been charity itself, but you have made your feelings very plain on the subject, and I can only apologise with the utmost sincerity for the discourteous manner in which I have disregarded your expressed wishes. You have your reasons for not wishing to marry, undoubtedly, and even though I do not understand what they may be, I must and will respect them. Be assured that I shall pursue my suit no longer. You will be free from any further importunings on my part. I cannot change my own nature, however. I can no more stop loving you than I can cease to breathe. Julia, my dearest love, I lay my heart at your feet. There it will remain, and if you should choose to disregard it, I shall understand, but if ever the time comes that you see me in a different light, you need only reach out to me and I will be at your side. Such an outcome would delight me beyond all things, but however much I may wish it to come to pass, I no longer have any hope in that direction, and so my greatest desire is that you be free to make your own life, however it best pleases you. Whether you marry in the future, or whether you never take that step, then I hope and pray that you will always be happy and well loved and cherished. I remain and shall always be your devoted and affectionate friend, James Plummer.’
21: Surprising News
Julia sat quite still for a long time, reading and rereading her letter, emotions roiling through her. Gratitude, primarily, to be so well loved, but also guilt, that she had brought him to this pass. James had always been such a buoyant man, who raised her spirits with every word, every smile. Yet his letter was humility itself, as if all the lightness of spirit had been scoured out of him. Was it truly her doing that had brought him so low? She had never meant to! How could she have helped it? There was nothing she could have done to avoid this outcome.
With all her heart, she wished she could have him back, the cheerful gamekeeper who had teased her by not telling her that he was one of the Plummers, or that he was the rector. She had joked that it would probably be her fate to marry the local parson, and he had smiled and said nothing and left her to find it out for herself. She smiled now as she remembered, but such sweet memories only made her feel worse. Tears trickled down her cheeks, but she dashed them angrily away. She never cried, and she would not cry over James, no matter how much his words churned her up inside.
‘ Julia, my dearest love, I lay my heart at your feet.’
How could she be unmoved by such a declaration? She would have to be made of stone. Uneasily she was aware that it was in her power to relieve his suffering instantly. It would be the simplest thing in the world to agree to marry him, and he would smile at her again, his eyes creasing up in that charming way they had, and he would be happy.
If only she could explain it to him, how terrified she was, how impossible for her to marry anyone, least of all a good, kind man like James. He deserved better than a reluctant wife, filled with guilt because she had inadvertently caused him pain. That was no reason to marry.
Eventually, the cold seeped into her bones and she was forced to return to warmer parts of the house. This time, she used the servants’ stair, and as soon as she reached the bedroom floor, she heard Mama’s voice high with distress. Tucking the letter into her sleeve, she opened the door to find Mama and her sisters on the landing.
“Julia! There you are!” Mama cried as soon as Julia emerged. “Wherever have you been? We were frantic with worry in case you had—”
Of course! Every time she could not be found instantly, they would panic. “Oh, Mama, I am so sorry!” Impulsively, she threw her arms around her stepmother and hugged her tight. “What a thoughtless, thoughtless girl I am! Of course you were worried.”
“There, there, dear,” her stepmother said. “It is of no consequence, so long as you are safe. Ah, Mrs Graham, there you are. Pray tell everyone that Miss Julia is found. But where were you, dear? So that we may know where to look in future.”
“I was in one of the attic rooms.”
“The attic!” Angie cried. “What on earth were you doing up there?”
“Looking for a quiet place to be alone,” Julia said. Then, because she was reluctant to mention her letter hidden in her sleeve, she added, “I wanted time to myself to think.”
“But why—?” Angie began, but Mama cut her off with a wave of her hand.
“Julia has much to ponder at the moment. We must not deny her the right to solitude, if that is what she needs. All I ask, Julia, is that if you should decide to leave the house, you tell me so.”
“Of course, Mama. I hope I know better now than to disappear without a word. Especially if it should be like to snow,” she added, head dutifully bowed.
Angie snorted with laughter but Mama had no sense of humour. “I should hope you would not go out at all if it is like to snow, Julia.”
“No, Mama,” she said meekly.
“Rosie, Angie, back into your room, and help Hathaway and Sarah with the packing. Julia, a word in my dressing room, if you please.”
Dutifully, Julia followed. As soon as the door was closed, she burst out, “Mama, I am very sorry—“
Mama laughed and waved her to silence. “Julia dear, you spend half your life apologising. Enough. Sit down, dear. I wondered what your father wished to say to you, that is all. I know he went to see Mr James Plummer this morning. Was there anything new?”
“He will not be paying his addresses to me any longer,” she said, and wondered quite why that made her feel so downcast. She would still see him, after all, but without any silliness, so she should be pleased.
“Oh. Perhaps it is as well.”
“And Pa said…” She hesitated, knowing that Mama was so keen on London. “He said I might stay here if I wished and not go to London, and Aunt Madge would chaperon me.”
“And do you wish that?” Julia nodded, and Mama sighed. “I thought you might do so. Your father and Madge and I discussed it, and Madge does not mind staying with you.”
“You aren’t cross with me?” Julia said quietly.
