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“Oh,no!Ilikeyou, James. I have always liked you. If I were to marry anyone, it would be you.” He winced a little at these words, so she rushed on, “But I don’t love you. I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone, not in that way. My family, of course, and friends… but nothing more than that. I can’t love you as a wife should love a husband. I don’t feel that… oh, I can’t describe it. Allie used to say that her heart jumped about whenever Jack came into the room, and my heart doesn’t do anything like that. I don’t glow like Cathy did. I’m always very pleased to see you but… it’s not the same. I’m fond of you, but—“ She stopped, remembering Sir Owen’s words.A degree of affection.That was all a marriage needed. Not romantic love, just a fondness. For a moment she quailed, and his face was filled with such grief that her heart ached for him. But she could not marry for mere fondness. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know that.” His lips quirked into a wry smile. “Nor did I ever mean to fall in love with you, but it happened anyway and now…”
“Now I’ve made you miserable.”
He nodded. “The worst of it is… seeing you all the time.”
“Oh. Do you want me to go?”
“No, no.” His arm tightened around her waist. “No, it is not this kind of seeing you that troubles me, but when we meet publicly… I know how a gentleman is supposed to behave in such circumstances. I have to be polite and treat you with exactly the same courtesy as always, neither distinguishing you in any way, nor drawing attention to you, and doing nothing to distress you. And I cannot do it. I find it impossible to dissemble and pretend you mean nothing to me, dearest Julia. That is the dilemma I was pondering when you arrived, trying to decide what to do. Needless to say, I know what I ought to do, for your comfort and my own sanity. I must go away from here.”
Some odd emotion skittered through her. “Go away? Where?”
“I have friends in Bath.”
“Bath!You mean to go to Bath?” Her voice had risen in alarm. He was going away! “For how long?”
“Until I can face you again with some degree of composure. A few weeks… months… sometimes I feel it might take years.”
“Years!”She jumped to her feet and paced across the room to the door, leaning her forehead against it. Why did she feel as if the earth had dropped away beneath her feet and she was falling into a dark pit? What was the matter with her?
“Julia…?” He had followed her across the room.
Spinning to face him, she whispered, “I’ll miss you abominably. Who will rescue me when I get into trouble if you’re not here? What is the point of going out for a walk without the possibility of bumping into you? How can I get through all the interminably boring dinners and card evenings without you to share a joke with? It will be horrid without you! Youcan’tgo away and leave me all alone!”
And somehow she was crying. Why was she crying? What was the matter with her? She had wanted to be free, hadn’t she? Well, now she was, so why was she so upset?
“Julia…” He reached out for her but she held up her hands, as if to keep him at bay. At once his arms dropped.
“No, don’t hold me. I have tothink.”
“Do you want a brandy?” She couldn’t see him clearly through the unstoppable tears, but his voice was gentle, almost caressing.
“No, no. Nothing. Don’tdistractme. James, it seems to me that if you stay here, you will be miserable, but if you go away we’llbothbe miserable, and that isn’t right, is it? What is the point of us both being miserable?”
Wordlessly he watched her, his face unreadable.
“I can’t bear to think that I’ll never see you again,” she cried.
Still he watched, his breathing rapid. One hand lifted, as if he would stroke her face, but then it fell to his side again. He said nothing, waiting…
“Whereas if we were married,” she said slowly, with a shuddering breath, “you would be happy, and I would always have someone to rescue me and bump into on walks and share a joke with at boring evening parties. And afterwards, we would go back to the rectory and toast bread and cheese in the kitchen and… and that would be lovely, wouldn’t it?”
He nodded slowly, and now she could see something else in his face. Hope, that was it. He was beginning to hope.
“And then we would go upstairs together.”
He tilted his head to one side. “You are not afraid of that part of it?” His voice was low.
“No. Allie says it’s wonderful.”
He gave a bark of laughter. “Well, God bless Allie for that, at least. I am glad that she finds some happiness in her marriage. But in time, there would be children. How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t feel old enough to be responsible for another human being, particularly not a tiny scrap of a creature like a baby. But if he grows up to be like you, with your smile and eyes that crease up at the corners—” Then she was crying too hard to speak.
“Julia.”
This time he took her in his arms and she made no protest, allowing him to hold her tight while she wept onto his shoulder and soaked the linen of his shirt. He said nothing, but his arms were tight around her, warm and comforting. And her mind cleared as abruptly as mist fading on a summer morning. And finally, at long last, understanding dawned on her.
