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She had never seen him like this — vulnerable and hurting. With all her heart, she wished she could take him in her arms and rock him like a child until he felt better. But that would only prolong his pain. She could only say what she had come to say, and then leave him in peace. “I wanted to talk to you — is that all right?”
“Of course,” he said again, and her heart somersaulted at the expression on his face. He looked so sad, as if he had lost all interest in life, all hope.
“Aren’t you cold? The fire’s gone out.”
“Has it?” He shrugged. “I’m warm enough. Blankets outside, brandy inside.”
Now she saw the bottle and empty glass on the table beside the sofa.
“There are no logs here. Will you fetch some?”
Wordlessly he rose and went outside, while she knelt at the fire, raking ashes and relaying the fire. When he returned with an armful of logs, she quickly lit the tinder. It blazed into life, bringing a ghostly red light to the room, making her shadow dance against the walls. He had slumped onto the sofa again, so she dragged a stool nearer and sat down in front of him.
“I went to see your father… to explain… why I don’t want to marry. He… he said I should talk to you. If you will let me. I don’t want to… to upset you… or—“
“It is all right, Julia,” he said tiredly.
“So… I may stay? And explain?”
“I will listen to whatever you wish to say to me.”
But his tone was so flat that she wanted to cry, and for a moment she could not speak. Licking her lips, she took a deep breath and gave a shaky laugh. “Now I don’t know how to begin.”
He smiled a little then, and her spirits lifted. “At the beginning, I dare say.”
“Yes.” She laughed again. “Very well. The beginning. That was Ted, I suppose. My half-brother, Ted, you know? My eldest brother.” He nodded, so she went on, “I never thought much about marriage until Ted started courting Cathy. That was six… no, seven years ago now, and he did it very properly, very seriously. Ted was always serious. He went to see her father, and then he started calling on her, and taking her out and about. All very correct. She was only a mill manager’s daughter, with no money to bring to the marriage and she was no beauty, either, but Ted knew exactly what he wanted. And the curious thing is that she changed. The more attention he paid her, the more she blossomed, somehow, until she was almost beautiful. Sheglowed, and on her wedding day she could not have looked more lovely. But then… the babies started coming, and all that disappeared. Now, you would never know how lovely she was. She looks tired and worn out and she is only twenty-six.” She heaved a sigh. “And then there is Allie.”
“Your eldest sister?”
She nodded. “Allie looks just as she ever did. She never glowed in that way, not even on her wedding day, but she used to be a happy, lively person. Optimistic. Things would always work out for the best — she truly believed that. But then she fell in love with Jack Ewbank. No one else would do, and so she set out to get him and she did, because Allie always got what she wanted. I suppose Pa spoiled us girls, because he was always indulging us — new gowns, bracelets, outings, whatever we wanted. Allie expected Jack to treat her the same way, but he’s very careful with his money and he won’t do it. Well, he doesn’t have Pa’s money, I suppose, although he’ll have his father’s brewery, in time.
“So Allie grumbles all the time. Nothing is ever right for her. She hoped Pa would help out, but he says she’s Jack’s responsibility now. And so she’s miserable and Cathy’s exhausted and I don’t want to be like either of them, James, truly I don’t. They both thought marriage would be wonderful, and it isn’t, not for either of them. They fell in love, and… love deceived them, and what is left after love is gone?” She smiled a little. “Your father said as long as there is respect and consideration for each other, the marriage will endure and love will grow, but I don’t see how it can!”
“My father is wise,” James said, and now he sounded more like himself. “He has been married for a long time, through some difficult times, but he is unswervingly devoted to Mother, even though she has turned into quite a watering pot these last four years.”
“Because of selling the Park?”
“Exactly. She loved that house, you see. We moved there when Grandmother died, some twenty years ago, and Mother became mistress of it. When Grandfather died and she finally became Lady Plummer, she felt she had achieved her life’s ambition.”
“And then your father sold it to us.”
“Not immediately. We tried to find alternatives, but nothing came of them. Poor Michael set out to rescue us by marrying an heiress, and that ended disastrously. He was ill for a long time, so in the end Father chose to sell. He could not bear to be in debt. Building that house had almost ruined us, but Grandfather carried on as though nothing was wrong. It was a shock when we finally understood the enormity of the problem. Father was adamant that the debts must be cleared, and now they have been. He is solvent again for the first time in decades. Mother will come to understand that the sacrifice had to be made. Houses do not matter very much, in truth. It is people who are important, and I believe Mother still adores Father, despite everything. Outward appearances can be deceptive.”
“I suppose that’s true,” Julia said. “One can’t tell what goes on beneath the surface. Perhaps Allie and Cathy are truly happy at heart. But how can anyone know? I am so afraid of losingmyself, James. Pa lets me be just as I want to be, but a husband, even one as kind and gentle as you, would be different.Iwould be different. I would be responsible for your happiness and not just my own. Could I do it? The question is unanswerable.”
“Marriage is bound to change one, but I think it must be a change for the better, ultimately. It would certainly changemefor the better. Here I am, selfish and indolent and good for nothing, but you have made me understand myself as nothing and no one else before you had ever managed. If I had you to care for…”
His voice cracked, and she whispered, “I am so sorry, James.”
In response, he smiled at her, and there was so much open affection in his face that her stomach flip-flopped again. Such a lovely man! Yet she was making him miserable.
He patted the sofa. “Come and sit beside me, Julia.”
Willingly she did so, and he slid an arm round her waist. “How does this feel? Are you comfortable?”
“Yes.”
“You have no aversion to my person, then?”
