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“We kissed.”
He raises his eyebrows with shock displayed on his face, “You kissed him?”
“He also stayed the night.”
“So you’ve broken your rules. How does that make you feel?”
“Unhinged. Out of control. My rules work because I can control the outcome that way.”
“Not falling for someone?”
I nod.
This is how Paul helps me. I can talk through things with him and figure it out along the way. This is it exactly. I feel out of control with Jamie. Control that prevents me from getting hurt. When I’m with Jamie, he takes all the control.
“What do you feel when he kisses you?”
“Everything! It feels like I have the worst pain in the world, and then he kisses me and takes it away. Then I feel out of control and worse. The only thing that makes it better is his kiss. It’s a never-ending struggle.”
“What about when he stayed the night?”
“It was amazing being in his arms. I felt safe. He kept the nightmares away. Then I woke up filled with regret and fear.”
“Fear?”
“He terrifies me, Paul. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know how disgusting I am. I’ve told him a bit more about me than I should have. If he knew everything, he wouldn’t be attracted to me.”
“Stella, you were a victim. It was not your fault. You are not disgusting. Your body reacted to stimulation. It doesn’t mean that it was consensual.”
“Paul, we both know if I told him he’d want nothing to do with me.”
“We don’t know that. I don’t think you really want him to leave you alone.”
“It’s not a choice. I can’t do this.”
“Stella, you can do this. It is indeed a choice.”
“What do I do, Paul? I feel like I’m falling apart here.”
“Fort Stella worked for you for a really long time. It’s not working now.”
“It did with Chase.”
“Well, it’s not working with Jamie. Why do you suspect that is?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m here.”
“Stella, you feel something for him. It’s not just sex. Maybe you’re falling for him. That is why it isn’t working.”
“No Paul. I don’t fall for anyone. You know that.”
“No, I don’t know that, Stella. What I know is that we don’t choose who we fall for or if we fall at all. It just happens. It’s a force stronger than us. You need to deal with things. This will not go away. Especially with you two being forced to spend time together. Never seeing him again isn’t an option, is it?”
“No, thanks to my publisher it is not. We’ve been paired together to write a romantic suspense novel.”
“Have you considered talking to him?”
“I can’t do this, Paul. I can’t be in a relationship.”
