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Jamie heads to the shower while I sit, thinking about how wonderful he is. He’s everything. I’ve never felt like this before. I love days that begin and end with him.
I’m straightening up the bedroom and decide to plug Jamie’s phone in for him. The battery is getting low. I straighten up the end table that it’s sitting on when something catches my eye.
From: Kaitlyn…Thank you for yesterday. It was amazing. It was wonderful to see you. And for the more. God, I missed you.
I grab the notepad that the hotel supplies and a pen.
Dear Jamie,
This is not love. You fucking disgust me. Be gone before I get back. Get out of my hotel room and out of my fucking life. How could you?
I leave it on his phone and get dressed. I can’t help myself because I’m a fucking addict. I go into the bathroom and look at him one last time. One last tiny hit, I leave. As I make it to the elevator, Jamie comes to the hallway with only a towel covering him.
“Stella, wait.”
I step into the elevator and look at him and say my catch phrase, “You can go. We’re done here.”
The elevator closes and I break down. This is why I don’t fall in love. This is why I don’t kiss. This is why they don’t stay the night.This is fucking why, Stella. You did this to yourself.The rules exist for a reason. I’ve never been angrier with myself. As soon as there was trouble, he threw himself into another woman. Literally.
I look down as I hear my phone ringing. Jamie. I’m not answering. I have nothing to say to him.
From: Jamie… Stella. Please. I need you. Please talk to me.
From: Jamie… She means nothing to me.
From: Jamie… Stella please. I love you.
To: Jamie… Bullshit. You don’t love me. God, Jamie how could you fucking do this to me?
The elevator doors open and I go to the bar. I should probably go further away. It isn’t exactly hard to find me. It reminds me of Jamie. I’m an addict. I can remove the drug from my life. I can’t, however, remove thoughts of the drug. I sat on the exact stool I was on when we met. I ordered four shots of tequila. I need something strong, a new drug I surmise. Uncontrollable tears ran down my face. I downed one shot after the other. No salt, no lime. Just straight tequila. I looked at the bartender.
“Two more and a tequila sunrise, please.”
“Do you need to talk?”
I shake my head no as I remember Jamie’s words…I don’t want to talk. I want to make you scream my name.
Did he say that to her? Did he tell her he loved her too? Maybe he did. Maybe she’s exactly what he wants. I obviously am not. I suddenly realize I know nothing about him. Did I imagine all the feelings? Can you love someone and not know much about them? Suddenly I don’t hear him, I feel him. I know he’s there. How can that be? Could I be so in tune with him I can feel his presence?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
I’m not playing his game of reminiscing.
“No, I was just leaving.”
“Stella, please talk to me. It’s not what you think.”
“Oh, is she your sister or something?”
“No.”
“Did you or did you not fuck her?”
“Stella, you don’t understand.”
“You’re right, I don’t fucking understand. You knew how hard this was for me. You made me fall in love with you just to destroy me. Is this how you get your kicks?”
“Stella, I thought you had left me to sleep with Chase.”
