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After finishing my cake, I left the café, I noticed a woman struggling with a stroller as she dropped her diaper bag and all the goods went flying across the sidewalk. Without thought, I hurried over to help her.
“Here you go,” I said, gathering up her things as she thanked me.
“Oh gosh, thank you so much. Sorry, I’ve been pretty scattered lately and didn’t realize I didn’t zip up the bag,” she commented. “And with another on the way, I’m sure it’s just going to get worse. Mom brain and all.”
I looked down to her stroller where not one, but two babies were sitting. One was in a deep, peaceful rest while the other howled. My mind grew blurry and I took a step backward as I shook my head.
She tilted her head as she stared my way. “Are you okay?”
My lips parted, but I couldn’t say anything. Words weren’t coming to me as the panic attack began to climb in my chest. It wasn’t fair. She had two babies—and another one the way—and I didn’t have my Daisy.
Daisy.
She was gone because of me.
It was my fault.
A tear slipped down my cheek and the woman’s eyes widened in panic. “Oh my gosh, are you okay? I, did I say something? Are you…”?
“So-sorry,” I muttered, still staring at her scroller. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe, and this time Jax wasn’t there to walk me home.
The woman followed my stare, and her nerves only rose as she witnessed my eyes glued to her children. She quickly gathered the rest of her things and hurried away.
Move, Kennedy. Go. Stop it, I told myself. But nothing was happening. The panic was too big for me to run from. When a hand landed on my shoulder, I jumped to turn and see Amanda standing behind me.
“Are you okay?” she asked, confused by my sudden odd behaviors.
“I—I…” I swallowed hard. All I could do was shake my head. I felt so stupid. So weak. So lost. Amanda linked her arm with mine and led me to a bench across the street. We sat, and she waited out the panic that overtook me.
“Put your head between your legs and breathe,” she ordered. I did as she said, giving her no words, because it all felt like too much for me. She stayed beside me until my breaths returned to normal, and embarrassment replaced my fears.
“Thank you,” I muttered, sitting back up as my heartbeats continued to race.
“What’s the matter with you?” she snapped, looking at me as if I’d grown two heads. She was looking at me the same way Penn stared at me. As if I were a freak of nature.
“Sorry. I sometimes have panic attacks.”
“Why?” she questioned dryly. I was sure she was wondering why Jax would pick someone like me. Someone so damaged when she seemed so…whole.
“I…I went through a trauma last year. I’m still trying to work through it.”
She frowned. For a split second, I thought she felt bad for me, but then she spoke her truths. “Jax needs better than you.”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean it. He’s dealt with enough shit in his life, and now dealing with his asshole father dying, he doesn’t need someone with baggage. He’s already dealt with enough. Why would you even put your issues on his doorstep?”
My chest tightened as I sat back, stunned by her words. “No, I…I’m working through my issues. I’m not putting anything on Jax’s shoulders.”
“You are, though, and it’s completely selfish of you. And based on your current panic attack in public, it’s clear you’re not working hard enough on your damn issues. If you cared anything about him, you’d give him space and let him deal with the fact that his father is dying. The last thing he needs is some random girl’s drama.”
She didn’t say another word. She simply stood and walked away, leaving me sitting there stunned by her words.
I hated that they affected me. I hated that I started doubting myself and my relationship with Jax because of Amanda’s comments. What if she was right, though? What if I was making things harder for Jax? He’d been through so much. Why should he deal with my emotional breakdowns, too? What if Yoana was wrong with her concern about Jax making my situation worse? What if I was the problem?
What if I was a problem that could never be fixed?
I went home that night and overthought everything. Sleep never found me that night, and the next morning when Jax came back to town, I made sure I was too busy to see him. I needed to figure out my issues before I showed up to his doorstep. He was already going through so much on his own. It wasn’t fair if I allowed my issues to weigh his world down.
