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My body deflated, and I sank into the couch. Ryker moved around to the front, handing Cohen his computer. He appeared nervous for the first time, wringing his hands as he debated something.
“I think I might know why. And if so, then you were right, Fin. It was my fault, and I’m so sorry for that.”
Son of a biscuit eater. What now?
Three
FINLEY
Ryker stared at me,remorse and regret heavy on his features. None of the cockiness I’d witnessed before present, and if anything, he looked ashamed of what he was about to tell me. It was something I was all too familiar with, and it made me soften toward him.
Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, preparing my battle armor for whatever he had to unburden. When he saw I was ready, he came around and sat on the coffee table, bringing him much closer than he had been.
“I’d really fallen for you over that year. I kept telling myself you were too young, but my heart didn’t care. On that last mission, I was looking forward to meeting you and putting a face to the person I’d been crushing on. So, when I got word you weren’t showing, I was crushed. I’d had this whole thing planned where I’d ask you out for your birthday. I wanted to get you some shoes you’d like so you’d have them to always wear.”
“You did give me some shoes. You sent them to me and told me to wear them to the last mission. “
“No.” Ryker shook his head, his eyes wide as he stared at me. “I never got up the courage to purchase any. I could never decide between the black or red ones.”
“I distinctively remember you sent me red ones. Unless…” I looked at him, swallowing. My hands felt clammy as I wiped them on my legs. “You don’t think he did, do you? How long had he planned to sabotage me then?” Anxiety was heavy as it swirled in my gut and I wanted to scream and run far away from this conversation.
“I’m starting to wonder if I even knew Dex.” Ryker dropped his head, running his palms over his face. I glanced at Cohen who was staring at his handler with mixed emotions. “I feel like an idiot. All this time, I’ve been thinking of you and wondering why you never reached out.”
“You thought of me?” I asked, dipping my head a little. For some reason, it was too personal to take head-on after the other news.
“More than I should. It’s partially why the remainder of that night is but a vague memory. I completed the mission, though barely, on my own. Not something I let Dex know. I had too much pride back then. When I returned to our room, he had shots ready. We toasted to a job well done and our invitation into MKG. Too many shots later and the heartache of losing you led to some poor decisions on my part.” He sighed, scrubbing his hands down his pant legs, not making eye contact.
“What happened?” Asa asked when no one else spoke up.
“Dex made a move, and I didn’t stop it. I was too drunk to care, and spending it being reckless felt like the right call at the time. Things went further than I’d intended, and I told him it was a mistake when we woke up the next morning. Something changed in him after that and the next year he transferred. We’d grown up together and had been on a few teams since we worked well with one another, but I hadn’t ever considered him more than just a friend. But I guess…” He shrugged, his whole body deflating.
“Imagine that. You changing your mind in the morning,” Cohen spat out before storming out of the room and slamming the door. I jumped at the noise, looking at the room he’d gone into, hoping he’d return. When he didn’t, I turned my fury onto Ryker.
“Explain that!” I pointed, not letting him off the hook.
“Shit. Maybe I am a horrible person who deserves what is happening to him. I suck at relationships, okay? After things with you—”
“Nope, you don’t get to use me as an excuse. Especially since it wasn’t even my fault,” I said, sitting up to fight him if I had to. Knowing the hurt Cohen felt made me want to go to battle for him. Shit, I think Iwasin love with the turd muffin. But what a hot muffin he was.
Thankfully, my weird thoughts gave me enough time to cool down and give Ryker a chance to talk before I kicked him in the groin again.
“You’re right. I was hurt, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t have reached out or tried to talk to you. I let my past dictate how I felt and washed my hands of you, grouping you in with everyone else in my life that had left me. Needless to say, I have abandonment issues, or so my therapist tells me.” He rolled his eyes, sighing. “Cohen and I met during training. We instantly became friends and worked well together. We teamed up on a few projects and had good success. After a tough case, I kissed him. I’d only meant for it to be a one-night thing. I’m embarrassed to admit I’d already been through most of the recruitment class that year. But it wasn’t like the others, and that scared me. It lasted a little longer than most of my flings, but when I saw that he cared for me, I freaked out and ended our agreement. We’ve never been the same since. He left for a while, and I tried to forget him the same way I did you—working harder than anyone and only having one-night stands.”
His phone pinged, and he pulled it out, sending a quick message before turning his attention back to me. It was apparent he was avoiding noticing the two guys next to me. I didn’t know what his play was, but if it was to separate me from them, he had another thing coming. I wasn’t even sure I liked him. He was attractive, but there was too much history for me to let him into my heart too soon.
Even though I knew that to be true, a small part of me whispered I wanted to. I shoved that thought away, knowing I couldn’t entertain it at the moment. Cohen was hurting. I was hurting. That had to be remedied first and foremost.
“Sorry, I just pushed back a meeting. Where was I?” he asked.
“Something about your work ethic,” Milo stated, twisting the last two words to the point they sounded rotten.
“Right.” Ryker briefly looked over at him before returning back to me. “Avoiding my feelings led me to advance faster than anyone planned, and when the position became open, I stepped into the leadership role. I kept my post as Cohen’s handler because it was a way for me to stay in his life at a safe distance. The anonymity within the organization allows me to live free among my peers without them knowing I’m their boss. Only a handful even know my real title.”
“So how do I and MKG fit into all this?”
“The Order had recruited me like most of their initiatives when I was younger. That’s how I knew Chaos and connected you. I didn’t know he was Cohen until later when we met for training. After I made it into MKG, I worked with The Order to determine their end goal. Why was this group recruiting teens and young adults to steal information about schools, homeless shelters, and politicians? Why were they focusing on kids as their go-to members?”
I’d never thought about it that way. I hadn’t thought about what their motive was for wanting me. At the time, it just felt like the answer I needed to get what I wanted.
