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“Damn it, I’m your father and you should talk to me. You can talk to me; that hasn’t changed.” He stands and leans against the railing staring at the track.
“I can talk to you?” I bite out. “I’m losing myself, Jay. How’s that for conversation?” My voice breaks at the end.
“Sky, baby.” His eyes mist over.
“Don’t, Jay. It’s the reason I wanted to come here, to mend things with you, but also to forget what my future is going to be like. Now I want to have a little fun along the way, and you want to take that from me,” I say, knowing I’m acting like a spoiled little brat but I don’t care. “You used to be so carefree; you didn’t care about what other people did, and now I see you’ve become the father I never had for them, and it hurts.”
“You know what hurts? You not letting me into your heart. Not visiting here for five fucking years. Why didn’t you come? I was waiting for you.”
“You want to know why I didn’t come?”
“Tell me, I want to know.” He kneels in front of me, taking both my hands in his.
“Because I didn’t want to see how happy you were without me and mom,” I whisper, unwanted tears filling my eyes.
“Sky, baby,” he says.
“Why did you go? Why did you let us leave? W-hy didn’t you c-come g-get me?” I stutter, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Why didn’t you love me enough to stay?”
“Kiddo,” he breathes, his face wet from his tears. “Because I loved you. I needed to let you two go, although it broke my heart,” he says, dropping my hands and taking a seat next to me. “I was messed up back then. I was always drinking, partying and doing drugs. I wasn’t the father you needed. I wasn’t the husband your mother deserved.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath before he continues. “I was living for myself and nobody else. I didn’t care what happened as long as I won the gold. I stayed on top for years but it came with a price.”
“What?”
“I lost you two. The day you turned six, I was too drunk to stand on my own two feet. Your mom went out to get your cake, but I forgot you were there with me in the trailer.” He clears his throat a couple times before he speaks. “I was doing cocaine, and you somehow got your little hands on some leftover coke while I was passed out on the couch,” he says, pinching his eyes shut for a brief moment. “When your mom came home, you were unconscious, and they had to rush you to the hospital where you stayed for a very long time. Child protective services almost took you away, and your mom never forgave me. And I never forgave myself.”
“Jay, I didn’t know,” I tell him. Why didn’t mom ever tell me? Why did she protect him all these years?
He shakes his head, holding my hand for a second. “Took a lot of convincing your mom to let you visit me during the summers. When you stopped coming at fifteen, I didn’t blame you. I was still figuring out the man I was supposed to be. It took those boys and Mac to get my life in order. The company gave me purpose, and I was ashamed.”
“Why?”
“You and your mom should have been my purpose. But Hunter became the son I never had, and I let you go again. And I’ll hate myself for every minute of the time we have left, knowing the years we could have spent together.”
I stop fighting against my tears because I know mom never stopped loving him, and I didn’t either. Maybe being angry with Jay was easier; I could pretend I didn’t need him. Like I convinced myself nothing was wrong with me for a very long time. I’m done pretending, I want to leave it all behind.
“What is going to happen, baby?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him.
He reaches out and holds my hand for a while. “I’m glad you came home. I’m so proud to be your father, you know that?”
I smile through my tears. He grabs the back of my neck and rests his forehead against mine. “You are a fighter, like your mom,” he says.
“When did you become so good with words, Jay?” I ask, flashing him a small smile while I wipe the moisture from my eyes.
“Are you gonna stay?” He sounds scared.
“I don’t know,” not knowing what to tell him.
“I’m not leaving you again. You can stay here forever,” he whispers, kissing my forehead. “When you’re ready to talk some more, I’ll be here.”
“What about Hunter?”
“What about him?” Jay asks, the muscle in his jaw twitching.
“We’re friends, Dad, and I like spending time with him.”
He snorts. “Be careful there, kiddo. He has a past.”
