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“Remember the don’t be a jerk thing?”
The edges of his mouth twitch and for a second it looks like he’s about to smile but then he gets his face under control.
“Reality is layers.” He touches my shoulder and turns me in a circle while pointing around us. “Agreements. Uncountable numbers of agreements about what is and what is not.”
“Agreements? Whose agreement?”
He smiles, showing his yellowed teeth speckled with black spots and remnants of food. He makes a sweeping motion with his arm.
“All of you. Everyone.”
Suddenly I feel small. The universe stretches around me for what is basically forever and I’m little more than a speck in the grand scheme of things. I’m told I have power. I’m told I am the Destroyer. If this is what power feels like, then I give up.
The pressure in my head builds, my shoulders knot, and my stomach churns. I drop my head and take a deep breath, then hold it. My chest burns and my knees feel weak. What am I supposed to do with any of this?
“I’m done.” I say, exhaling sharply.
I turn away from the Druid and walk towards the exit of the alley. My legs are too heavy to pick my feet up, forcing me to shuffle. Fast food wrappers, empty bottles, and soda cans rattle as my feet push them out of the way.
It’s too much and I’m too small. All I wanted was to see Duncan. I want to know he survived that battle. That he wasn’t one of the untold numbers of MacGregors who lose their lives to violence.
That’s not true.
The thought is a bolt of lightning, a bright flash that casts the world inside my head into stark contrasts of black and white. I’m lying to myself. I don’t want to know he survived. That’s a partial truth which also makes it a half-lie.
I want to kiss him. I want his lips on mine. I want to… explore him and him me. I want to know him in every way possible. I want his arms around my body. Sex? Maybe, yes. Absolutely. Kids? Maybe. Once we know each other.
“Facing truth is, in itself, a power.”
I’m standing on the edge of a shore. Water laps towards my feet with a soft woosh sound as tiny waves push in and then retreat. A thick fog lies on the water, limiting sight to a dozen yards. In the sharp blue water tiny creatures dart here and there. Maybe fish, maybe some other aquatic species. I step back to keep the water off my tennis shoes.
“Where is this?” I ask.
I should be surprised, or angry, or some other relevant emotion but I’m too tired. I’m not just physically tired, though I am that. I’m mentally exhausted. Much like the world looked a few minutes ago, I feel thin. I’ve stretched myself as far as I can go and there’s just nothing left. I can’t even summon an appropriate emotion.
“Home,” the Druid answers.
I look at him and raise an eyebrow while shaking my head.
“That doesn’t answer the question.”
“Then you—”
“Asked the wrong question,” I finish for him, rolling my eyes.
Anger sparks and fizzles, failing to catch on due to a lack of tinder. I’m fueled out.
“Perhaps,” he purses his lips, heavy wrinkles crinkling around his eyes until they are barely visible, “there is hope for you.”
“Send me home. Back. I told you, I’m done. I wanted one thing, I can’t get it, so I’m done. My life is falling apart. I need to put it back together, then maybe I can focus on,” I wave a hand through the air, “all of this. Until then, send me home.”
“What is integrity?”
“What? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Everything.”
I’m going to punch him. I’m going to punch him right in his stupid, wrinkled, old man’s face. Then I’m going to find Dugald, and I’m going to punch him too. I’ve never been a violent person, but I’m done with these cryptic jerks who can’t answer a simple question. I square my shoulders and turn away from the water, which I’m taking remarkably in stride, and face him.
