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The truth is, I am not a good person. I am broken and tainted and they shouldn't care about me. They shouldn't want me. But, I am also a selfish person who has finally found the people who speak to my soul, who complete me.
And I will be damned if I give them up.
"When I woke up in the hospital, I was extremely injured and had to see a lot of specialists. I was found on the ground outside of the ER with no family, no identification, and no memories. I stayed there for almost two months while they searched for my family and helped me recover. I was deemed a Jane Doe and became a ward of the state. I was taken in by a foster family in Marin county and I lived there for two and a half years. It's where I met Hunter. It was always just temporary until permanent placement was found for me. The foster parents I had decided they no longer wanted to be foster parents so I was sent to a group home for a very short time before being adopted by Evelyn and Daniel. I've been with them ever since. I went to High School here, attempted college, dropped out, and have worked atThe Grindever since." Shrugging, I keep eye contact with Madd, not backing down or letting on that there isfar, farmore to my story. They don't need to know. They will never know that.
I feel Gage's hands as they wrap around me from behind seconds before he pulls me onto his lap. His arms circle my middle as he tugs me closer and bands me to his body almost as though he needs my comfort as much as he wants to give me his. "I'm so sorry you went through all of that alone, baby," he says softly before placing a lingering kiss on the side of my neck.
Following my gut, I reach my arms up and wrap them around his wide shoulders as I settle my head into the crook of his neck. It's odd to me that contact with them is beginning to feel second nature, almost instinctual. Where I have always shied away from intimacy and touching, I now find myself craving theirs almost constantly.
"There is no point being sorry about the past, just adjust your future accordingly," Stone supplies like some sort of Gandhi reincarnate. Furrowed brows fill each of our faces as we consider the statement before a round of loud laughter takes over everyone, myself included. Giggling, I snuggle deeper into Gage's side and close my eyes. Their deep, rumbling laughter soothes me and I force myself to imprint this new memory into my heart, allowing it to fill the ugliness that always tries to take over.
Maybe I will even get to a point someday where the happiness actually takes over all of my dark crevices and the only past I'll have to look back on, will be this one.
Ella
"We'reheadedtopackup some of my crap right now and make space for you. We can decide what room to put you in when you come by tonight." I put my phone on speaker and set it next to me on my bed so I can tie my Nikes and continue my conversation with Hunter.
Ride-Cary Brothers(Tiesto)
"Are you sure you don't want to just wait until I'm off work? I feel bad that you're doing all of this for me and I won't even be there to help," he grumbles, sounding like a toddler who was just scolded making me chuckle.
Standing up, I head to my closet and pull out the only zip-up sweatshirt I have. It's not even mine. I stole it from Maddox and it's long and massive on my petite frame, making me crave my own clothes even more. Don't get me wrong, the guys buying me clothes was obscenely sweet and thoughtful but I'm beyond picky about my clothing especially considering I have a crap ton of scars that I prefer to keep hidden and a disproportionate body. Short torso, small chest, long legs, and a big ass make shopping difficult as hell and the guys tried but a lot of my new clothes just fit oddly. Another reason why I'm so excited to go pick up my things from my house.
I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind to just move back home, especially with Hunter moving in. Living with him would be fun but I genuinely think we would get tired of each other and after how things turned to shit with Alyssa as my roommate, I'm not looking forward to burning another important friendship with proximity overload. I know that things went bad with Lys for more reasons than just being roommates,obviously, considering she had a hand in everything that went down with Drew.
Sighing, I shake my head and slump down onto my bed before dropping my phone onto my chest, leaving it on speaker. "Of course, it's fine Hunt, it's not a big deal. Besides, I won't be alone. Nyxon and Maddox are coming to help move things." Rolling my eyes at the fact that Nyx will be there, I prepare myself for the onslaught of crap that's about to spew from my bestie's mouth. Talking about the guys with Hunter always results in some sort of argument or disgruntled attitude pointed in my direction. I do my best to avoid talking about them at all but that just makes me sad because he's my best friend and we tell each other everything.
Well, we did.
There has been a chasm of epic proportions between us since all of this crap has gone down in our lives and I'm not sure how to bridge it. Two best friends who have known each other as long as we have and who have been throughso, somuch together, shouldn't split up when shit gets hard. They should rally around each other, help heal each other. Right? Right. However, that's just not us. When trauma occurs, when our hearts break and our soul's splinter, we tend to internalize and pull away from people. It's how we've always been. The only thing that has helped us is having one another to pull us out of our heads and guide us through the storm, whether by choice or by force.
But what happens when we're both drowning at the same time?
"Oh, I'm sure they are," he grunts and I can hear his eye roll from here. "Fine, whatever. I'll be off around 7 tonight. I'll pick up pizza on my way and we'll take care of whatever is left over then."
Exhaling a ragged breath, I calm myself down so that I don't go about my next statement the wrong way, like by screaming it at the dense man on the other end of the phone. "Hunt," I drawl, "they aren't bad people. I don't know what your deal is with the guys. They are good men, I swear. I wouldn't be here if they weren't."
"You don't have to remind me," he snaps, making my eyes widen. "I know who they are Elle, and they may be nice and sweet to you but they are still fucking criminals. They still run drugs and guns. They are murderers for fucks sake and you're acting like they have redeeming qualities and I just don't fucking see it."
Shooting up in bed, I prepare myself for a fight but what would I even say? He's not wrong. They are all those things. They are gangsters and killers. They do bad shit. Am I so starved for attention, for love, that I'm looking past all that just because they say sweet words and have offered me a place to stay? Am I that naive and fucked up from my past that I could overlook something like that?
"Elle," Hunter sighs, interrupting the depressing turn my thoughts have taken. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I know you wouldn't be with them if you didn't see something in them. I just don't want anything else to happen to you. You've already been through so much babe, I'd hate to see this whole thing end with you being heartbroken. And, I mean, you just got out of a relationship."
Swallowing down my anger and irritation, it's quickly replaced with love for my bestie. I understand that he cares about me and that he's worried about my safety and mental health. I get it because I feel the same for him. I'd be just as worried if he jumped in a relationship with a random person let alone multiple people, so quickly after things ended with Dillan.
Thinking back to the comfort and contentedness I felt last night with the guys, I'm reminded of why Hunter's warnings are unnecessary. I have to believe that things aren't always going to be so fucking terrible in my life. I have to believe that there is happiness in store for me.
"I get it, I do and I love and appreciate you so much for being worried about me but you don't need to be Hunt. You don't know them like I do and honestly, who the hell knows if and when shit's going to hit the fan in any situation? I had no idea that shit was going to end up the way it did with Drew or Lys and I'm sure you had no idea you'd be going through all of this either. But that doesn't mean we should stop living and enjoying life just because we're afraid of how badly things might end up. What if," I break off, questioning where and the fuck this sudden burst of confidence in my life and my guys is coming from. "What if everything ends up great? What if I finally get to be happy?"
There's a long pause where we're both considering each other's words, I think, or I at least hope. Hopefully, Hunter isn't plotting the murder of four gangsters from his bedroom. A creak in the hallway has my head spinning toward my bedroom door. It's half-open but from where I'm sitting, I can't see anyone outside of my bedroom.
"I may not understand your relationship but I trust you and I want for you to be happy more than anything, baby, I promise. I'll text you when I'm on my way." There's a weighted pause and I sense more coming but when Hunter says nothing, I say my goodbyes, reminding him that I love him, before disconnecting.
Letting out a heavy breath, I flop back down onto my bed, and in truemefashion, I begin to dissect my conversation with Hunter. Is he right? Am I ignoring all the warning signs with these guys? Are there even any warning signs? Not to my knowledge but I don't have a great track record where men are concerned, that's for damn sure. Just look at the situation with Drew. I ignored months and months of my gut telling me that things weren't as they seemed with him and look how that shit turned out. Fuckinginsane.
After all the chaos yesterday, I ended up passing out in Gage's lap while he and the guys discussed whatever shit they talk about when I'm not paying attention. Probably what's best for my life or how to win a drug war or something equally insane. When I woke up this morning, I was in bed, tucked between Maddox and surprisingly Stone. Maddox was curled around my back with his nose squished into my hair like some sort of baby monkey. I would have laughed if it hadn't been for the sky blue eyes staring back at me and effectively taking my breath away.
No words were spoken between us but it felt as though a lot was being said in the silence. It wasn't uncomfortable or weighted, instead, it felt a lot like breathing fresh air after nearly drowning. Being near Stone, touching his skin, staring into his eyes, fills me with comfort like nothing else. It's refreshing and sweet and it tugs on something inside of me. It's how I imagine other people feel when they go home for Christmas after not having seen their family for a while. Like warmth, homemade cookies, a mother's hug, and a father's hearty laugh.
