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How do I tell them that in my eyes, they aren’t monsters? That I have faced real, true evil and it looked nothing like them. That I have looked evil in the eyes, been in its presence, that I have been the object of its depraved torture. How do I tell them that I am also responsible for death, even if it wasn’t by my own hand. I don’t. I can't.
Do I want to be here with them?Yes.My mind is already there. I have already fallen for them, I know that with certainty. They want to know if I’m scared of them. I know that answer as well. I am. I’m fucking terrified. But not for the reasons they think.
I’m not afraid of them. Even Nyx when he’s being an asshole or Gage when he’s demanding. Not even Maddox as he sits here and bares his soul to me. His darkest secrets.He’s a murderer. They all are.I already knew that though, or, I had assumed as much.
Even with all of that, I am still not afraid. I have never felt anything but alive and cared for by these men. They make me feel. They make my body come to life. They have brought me joy, contentedness, and pleasure. When they say they want to keep me safe, I believe them. I may not understand why. What do they want with me? Whyme?I want to ask but honestly, I don’t want it to seem like I’m fishing for compliments, and right now, I’m not sure I would believe them if they gave them to me.
Maddox is staring at me like he can see into my head and he’s imploring me to choose them. Gage has gone still behind me and it only gets worse the longer I'm silent.
What do I say? I know I need to answer them. I breathe, taking inventory of my body, just as my therapist taught us.
My mind is spinning with all of this information. It’s muddled and thoughts are racing so quickly, that I’m finding it hard to focus.
My body is burning up from Gage’s proximity and Maddox’s intense stare. My pussy is wet, my clit throbbing. I am in a constant state of arousal when they're near. My heart is pumping steadily in my chest and though I’m turned on, I feel calm,safe.It’s been an extremely long time since I've felt truly safe like this. Maybe never.
My heart, well my heart is speaking the loudest. My heart is screaming that it already knows the answer. Do I want them? Yes. Do I want to give myself to them? That’s more difficult. That is where the problem lies.
Yes, I want to be theirs. But to be theirs means to give myself over to another person, or people in this case. It means being vulnerable. It means opening up. It means baring myself to them in all ways. But what's the alternative? Walking away? Letting someone else take my place with them? Being alone and never feeling this level of intensity with another person again?
The thought sends such a sharp, visceral stab into my chest. I can’t do that.No.
I don’t know what the future holds or how long this will last. I don’t know if this decision will be the stupidest I will ever make or if it will put me in danger. All I know is that I want it. All of it.
“I’m in. All the way in,” I say clearly, annunciating each word.
I look Maddox in the eye, knowing he needs this right now. His face distorts in a way that tells me he’s relieved, shocked, and maybe doesn’t believe me. Doesn’t believe he’s deserving. I slide from the stool and step between his open legs, and I make a choice. A choice to give him, them, something that I’ve given no one else but Hunter. Trust to handle my truth.Some of it at least.
Placing my hands on his cheeks, I look into his tortured eyes and I make myself vulnerable.
“You are not a monster,” I begin. He opens his mouth to protest but I shake my head. Stealing my spine, I continue. “You are not a monster. I have seen evil. I have faced it. It’s not you. You may have done fucked up and horrible things, but I see you, Maddox Luna. You have been sweet, gentle, caring, and wonderful with me. You have encouraged me, held me while I’ve fallen apart, and helped me put my pieces back together. You haven’t forced yourself on me or pushed me for more than I was ready to give. You have made me laugh when I’ve wanted to cry. You arenotwhat you think you are. You are more. So much more. If we were all only the products of what our fathers created, the world would be a much shittier place. Feelings aren’t easy for me. Opening up is even harder. But I can’t sit here and let you continue to bare yourself to me while you feel worthless and less than. I can’t,” my voice cracks on the last word and I have to breathe deeply so I don't cry. My poor, sweet Maddox. He looks like a lost, vulnerable child and I want to hold him and protect him. He is so much deeper than what he puts out there for the world to see.
The more I’ve spoken, the more Maddox’s face has shifted. He doesn’t believe me. He really thinks these horrible things about himself. I understand that. I feel the same way about myself. I see the same thing in Gage when he tries to let his walls down but can’t quite do it as though he’s afraid to let me see what’s really inside. The same with Nyx.
Maybe we’re all just fucked up and broken individuals who need one another to piece together our fractured parts and hold us together. Maybe we are each other’s glue.
“How can you say that?” Madd murmurs, brows furrowed. He’s breathing hard and he looks like he may either pass out or run. If the moment wasn’t so intense, I might laugh. It’s so opposite of his usual cocky confidence.
“I’m much darker than you realize. You may think I’m this innocent, gentle girl who has never seen death and destruction but you’d be wrong. I have lived with it. I’ve survived it. And never, not once, since I’ve met you, any of you, have I felt unsafe or uncared for. You may believe that you’re a monster, but if you are, then I’m one too because I’m not afraid of you Maddox. And I’m in, I’m not running. So give it to me, give me all of you, show me your darkness, and I’ll show you mine,” I whisper as I do something I have never done in my entire life. I lean in, and I initiate intimacy. I kiss him,hard.
My lips slam into his and I know I’ve surprised him. It takes him a moment to react, but then he does. He gets with the program, bracing his hands on my ass and squeezing as he drags me further into his body. This kiss isn’t like the rest. It’s not sweet and reassuring like our first kiss. It’s not lust-filled like in the gym. It’s hot and desperate. It’s full of emotions and promises. It’s a claiming kiss. I am claiming him and he is claiming me back.
I push my tongue into his mouth, enjoying his shock at my forwardness. I’m surprised by it too, but these men bring out a side of me that I didn’t even know existed. I’m no longer the meek little girl who let people destroy her. I’m brave, confident, and sexy. I kind of fucking love the new me.
Maddox gives me my moment of control but just as quickly, he takes over the kiss. He uses his hold on my ass to heft me up onto his lap, forcing my legs apart to straddle him. He sucks on my tongue and then pushes it back into my mouth, forcing his own in to tangle with mine. I grind myself onto his hard cock, suddenly feeling out of control and in need. He pushes himself up, rubbing just where I need him.
I suck on his lip, tugging his lip ring between my teeth. Maddox growls lowly, the sound causing vibrations in his chest. I release his lip with apopand he pulls his head back, halting the movement of his hips as he uses his hold on my ass to still my unabashed dry humping. He leans his forehead on mine as we both pant, regaining our breath.
“Where did you come from, baby girl?” he whispers making me giggle. He smiles back at me.
“Where didyoucome from?” I ask with a laugh while I fight the urge to continue to grind on his cock. We sit in silence, staring at each other, allowing ourselves to be open and transparent with one another.
“My turn,” Gage grunts from behind me. I giggle again and roll my eyes.
Who is this person? I’m suddenly feeling light and unburdened for the first time in my life. It’s like, once I made the decision to give myself to them, to be vulnerable with them, I gave up the weight that I’ve been carrying for so long. Like I’m trusting them to carry it for me.
Gage plucks me off Maddox’s lap like I weigh nothing and deposits me on the counter. He steps between my legs and brings his hand up to pinch my chin. He tilts my head, bringing us eye to eye.
“Did you mean all that?” he rumbles, voice deep and velvety.
