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He can be upset, that’s his right, but he doesn’t have the right to accuse me of being selfish and killing our baby. I did what I could to save our future and give us both a chance in life. I didn’t want to become a mother at that age, and I don’t regret it.
Fuck him for trying to make me feel bad about it.
Later that night,I’m lying in bed beside Spencer at her apartment, telling her everything about my meeting with Dean at the coffee shop and how he reacted. She’s been quiet the entire time, letting me vent to her and get all my anger out, ranting about his selfish behavior.
“Do you think it was selfish? Should I have asked him?” I ask, unsure of myself after ranting to her for nearly thirty minutes.
She takes my hand and intertwines our fingers, something she’s done since I was a small child, the action soothing me. “I think you made the right decision. At the time, I remember thinking it was wrong, and you’d regret it. But I realized you made the right choice. You were smart and strong enough to make such a hard fucking decision.” She lets go of my hand and sits up. “I’m in awe of you, little sis. You are the strongest person I know. You have been through so much, and it amazes me that you’re still standing.” Unshed tears shine in her eyes. “You’ve been through teen pregnancy, losing a child, having a drug-addicted husband, and now you’re going through a divorce. You’re unbreakable, and I admire your strength.”
I sit up and mirror her position. “You don’t think losing Luca is somehow payback for doing what I did?” My chin trembles as I ask the question that’s been weighing heavy on me for a while now.
“What? No, of course not. Losing Luca was a horrible and tragic accident. It’s not payback for anything.” She wraps her arms around me as we cry against each other.
Spence pulls back, looks me in the eyes, and smiles. “I think it’s time you find out who you truly are. You went from having Dean at a young age to having constant guys in college, then marrying Declan soon after. You’ve never been single for more than two seconds. Now that you’re getting divorced it’s time to ask yourself, who is Camille?” She’s right, like always.
I had boyfriends in college, but those relationships were just to pass the time. They were never anything serious.
Dean had been by my side from the time I was eight until I turned fifteen, and he went off to college.
Declan has been by my side from the time I graduated college at twenty-two until now at nearly twenty-seven. I’ll forever be tied to him, he’ll always be a part of me, but our romantic relationship has ended.
As an adult, I’ve been married longer than I’ve been single, so Spencer is right.
Who am I without a partner?
Who am I on my own?
I’m not sure yet, but I do know that I’m determined to find out.
I’ve always thought Dean was my soulmate and hoped that one day we’d find our way back to each other, and we did. But I know now that sometimes your soulmate is put in your life only for a temporary time.
Dean entered my life like a thunderstorm in the middle of the night. Eleven years later, he walked back into my life with a smile and those dreamy eyes, and our hearts reconnected like no time had ever passed. I’ll always love him; I know that, but I’m no longer holding on to the hope that we’ll end up together. If we do find our way back to each other, I’ll accept it, but I can’t sit around hoping and waiting anymore.
I only have one life, and I’m going to live it. I’ll live it without wondering what he’s doing, without obsessing, and without seeing his hazel eyes every time I close mine.
For now, I’ll be living for me.
It’s time to figure out who I am.
FORTY-TWO
NOW
Dean
It’s been six months since that day in the coffee shop with Camille. Six fucking months since I’ve seen her beautiful face, and even longer since I’ve had the privilege of tasting her mouth against mine.
That day plays on repeat in my mind. The way I acted haunts me. It took me a few days to cool off and understand why she did what she did, and I accepted that decision, which is why I had sent her a dozen red roses along with an apology note. I didn’t expect to hear from her after that, and I’d been right.
Camille never called, texted, or even emailed me. It was as if we no longer existed to each other, except we did.
She had told me that I had unresolved feelings that I needed to work on, and she was right. I’d been selfish with her, and our relationship was toxic. The way I was behaving and continuing on wasn’t healthy for either of us, and I understand that now.
When my daughter was stillborn a few years ago, it fucked with my head, and I haven’t been the same since. I suppressed my emotions and kept them buried until I became a man I didn’t even recognize.
Camille called me on my shit, and because of her, I’ve been meeting with a therapist once a week, working on myself and striving to be better.
Even though Camille ignored me, she continued working with Anthony to complete her building. Last week was the grand opening.
