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“We’re stopping because I want to say something. Because it’s important.” I turned to face her. “You have nobody doubting you, nobody trying to knock you down, or see you fail. The only person you have to prove anything to isyou, Katie.”
She shook her head, scoffed at me. “Me, right. Sure. And Verity, and David sperm-donor Faverley and their whole fucking family, Carl.”
“Why so?”
“Because they expect me to fail,” she said. “Theywantme to fail. That’s why I’m even in this internship programme.” I raised my eyebrows, but she shook her head. “Don’t look at me like that, it’s true. Not for you, who wants the best for everyone, but for them. For them it’s all a stupid game. One silly gold envelope and an awkward hug doesn’t change the facts, Carl. He’slaughing at me, I’m a set up to proveshe’sbetter than me. Just like always.”
“That really isn’t true, Katie.”
“That’s why my idiot father wants me here, just so Verity does better. Just like shealwaysdoes better. So I can be the useless crappy sisteragain, and she can take all the glory. But not this time.” She smiled. “This time I’m coming out on top. Fuck them all.” She folded her arms. “I’m good at this shit, I know I’m good at this shit. Verity can fuck off if she thinks she’s going to be better than me at this shit.”
“She doesn’t,” I said. “She’s said nothing of the kind.”
She shook her head again. “She wouldn’t, would she? Not to you.”
“Has she said anything of the kind to anyone else? Anything you’ve heard?”
She shrugged. “I don’t need to hear anything. Iknowher.”
I squeezed her knee. “Sometimes people can surprise you, Katie. Maybe Verity is one of those people.”
“Nice try,” she said, and put her hand on mine. “I appreciate the sentiment, and the psycho-analysis, but those people are toxic, and I’m going to come out on top, just because I can. Just because this time, in this arena, I’m better than she is.”
“This will eat you up.” I looked at her but she wouldn’t look back. “Believe me, Katie, it’ll eat you up. Do this for you, not for other people, not to prove a point. Nobody is waiting for you to fail, there is no ulterior motive here, not for anyone.”
“Not for you, Carl, not for you.”
I sighed. “That first week on the phone, when you got your gold envelope, I found Verity sobbing her heart out in the stationery cupboard.”
“Good,” she said. “That’ll be a first. I had enough years of being the one crying, she can have it fucking back.”
I shook my head. “You know me, Katie, I’m going to just put this out there, what I think.”
“Mr Direct, yes, I know. Shoot.” She met my eyes. “Go on, tell me. What is it you think?” She sighed, softened her voice. “Go on, Carl. I’m listening.”
I squeezed her knee that little bit tighter. “I think it’s a two way street. I think she felt as rotten as you,feelsas rotten as you did, as insecure as you, as inferior as she made you feel. I think she was lashing out, because underneath it all, Katie, underneath all her bullying and her bluster and theI’ve got more horses than you havebullshit, underneath everything you wanted and everything you tried and all the times you said you didn’t want to know your father and his posh snooty family, I think there were two very scared little girls who just wanted to feel loved by their dad. Who just wanted to feel good enough.”
She didn’t say a word. Didn’t even breathe.
“Am I right?”
She shook her head and there were tears there.
“Talk to me,” I said. “Katie, I’m right here. You can talk to me, I get it. I get all of it.” I willed her to let me reach her. “I know what it’s like to have someone turn up out of the blue, someone you’ve dreamed of your whole fucking life. The magical father, the guy you dreamed would show up on a big fucking chariot and whisk you away with declarations of love and devotion and finally make you feel like someone who matters. I get what it feels like when it all turns out to be bullshit, when he turns out to be someone who doesn’t give a shit, not really. When it turns out your dreams were all for nothing, and you’re still the same sad kid without a dad.”
“Stop,” she said. “Please stop, Carl.”
“But your dadisn’tthat man, Katie. Not like mine was. He’s just a guy who fucked up, who didn’t know what to do for the best, who doesn’t know how to make things right between two daughters he thinks the fucking world of.”
“Stop!” she said. “This isn’t how it is, Carl. This isn’t who he is. He didn’t want me. He never fucking wanted me!”
Her lip was trembling. It broke my heart.
“I thought he would be someone. I thought he would have a million answers, a million sorries. He didn’t even say sorry, Carl, not once. He came and dragged me out of my home, just to show me how wonderful his fucking life was, how wonderful his other fucking kids were, and then he’d drop me back again with a few poxy words aboutsee you next time. Every fucking week, over and over, one long cycle of gloating and disappointment. I cried every weekend, Carl, every fucking weekend.” She stared out of the window, eyes glistening as a family with two young kids passed us by with a shopping trolley. “The guy’s an asshole and I want nothing to do with him. I want nothing to do with any of them.”
“But you’re doing it, Katie, you’re right there. I’m so proud of you, you have no idea how proud I am, that the spirited young woman in herbite me,babyt-shirt turned out to be such a talented, mature, dedicated, professional member of our internship programme.” I sighed. “And David’s proud, too. I promise you, Katie, he’s so proud of you. He’s always been proud of you.”
Her shoulders turned rigid. “No! He hasn’t! He’s not!”
