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“He is,” I said. “I’ve known him for twenty years. He’s the only person who ever gave me a shot. The only person who took the time to get to know me when I was a nobody. I know him, Katie, he’s like the father I always dreamt of.”
“Youhave him then! He didn’t do shit for me! Didn’t takeanytime for me when I was a nobody! He wasn’t there, Carl, he ditched my mumand abandoned her, abandonedus, just to rock upagain like the big fucking I am and parade me around a life I wasn’t good enough for! He didn’t want my mum and he didn’t want me. Rubbing my face in a life I could have had if I wasgoodenough just makes him a cunt, Carl, it doesn’t make him a fucking messiah. I know he gave you a shot, but he’s still an asshole who messed my mum’s life up, still an asshole that didn’t give a shit about me.”
“That’s what you think?”
She glared at me, and the first tears spilled, rolling down her cheeks as her breath caught in her throat. “That’s what Iknow.” She let out a little soband it panged in my gut. “Why are you doing this? Why can’t you just let sleeping dogs lie? A couple of months and I’m out. Harrison Gables and I’m done. I never have to see him again. Any of them.”
“Becausemydad was a cunt, Katie. Because even when he’d fucked me over, gone to prison and cast me aside like I meant nothing, I still wrote to him. Every week I wrote to him. Every week I prayed he’d write back. Even when I knew he was an asshole, that he didn’t give a shit about me, even then I still wrote to him and still cried every night because he didn’t write back.”
“We both have cunts for fathers.” She tried to laugh through the tears. “Maybe we should join a support group.”
“But you don’t,” I said. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. You have a father that made mistakes, but he loves you.Yourfather loves you.”
“He didn’t want me, Carl.” She let out a sob. “How can he love me if he didn’t want me?”
My heartbeat was in my stomach, my temples thumping as I wrestled with the words in my throat.
But I had to say them.
I always do.
“He didn’t even know you existed, Katie.”
Carl pulled up outside mine, and the car wasn’t even stationary as I opened the door.
He took my wrist, held me back. “Katie, wait. I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have… we could go home, talk about this… think things through…”
“Stop,” I said. “I have to ask. I have to know.”
I took a moment to stare at him, and he was worried. Scared. His mouth was tight and his eyes were sad and lost and nothing like the Carl Brooks I worked with all day. But I didn’t have time for that, not right now.
“I have to do this,” I said. “Please, let me go, Carl.” I tugged my wrist from him.
“This is becoming a habit, me spouting my mouth off and sending you running home.”
“This isn’t the same,” I said. And it wasn’t, it wasn’t the same at all. “I’m running for answers, not running away. I’m all in, with you and Rick, whether you spout your mouth off or not. Ok?”
He nodded but didn’t smile. “I’ll wait for you,” he said.
“You don’t have to…”
“I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere, Katie. Take as long as you need.” He put the car in neutral and turned the engine off. “Take all night, I’ll still be right here.”
I managed a weak smile, but my head was already spinning, churning through memories and reflections, my heart in my stomach, all twisted up.
All through the drive back here I’d been grasping for evidence that Carl’s revelation couldn’t possibly be true, struggling to recall the moment I’d first found out my dad didn’t want to know me. That he’d abandoned my mum as a pregnant teenager and said he didn’t want to know either of us. That he knew I was a kid, growing up just a few miles away, that he hadn’t cared enough to want to be there. I knew that, right? I’d known that for as long as I could remember.
And that was the problem. I couldn’t remember evernotknowing that. I couldn’t recall a single conversation from my past that confirmed anything, not for definite, not a single one.
I’d always just known. Just like I’d known how to breathe. Just like I’d known how to walk, and eat, and go to sleep at night. I’d had fantasies that it wasn’t true, that my father was lost or incapacitated, on some adventure somewhere far away rather than being a straight out asshole, but I’dknownthey were fantasies.
And then one day he’d just shown up. And I’d been angry, upset that he’d taken so long, upset that he hadn’t wanted to know me.
But I’d neversaidthat, not to him. I didn’t know him well enough, didn’tknowhim at all. I hadn’t sought answers, because I already knew every part of the story I cared to know, and he was too much of a bragging asshole to stoop low enough to apologise, even if I’d have wanted him to.
That’s what I’d thought.Known. That’s whathappened. Ithappened.
“There must be a mistake,” I said. “Mum will probably wet herself when she realises how stupid the question is.” I let out a laugh that sounded fake enough to make me cringe. “I just can’t remember the details. That’s all this is.” I sighed. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
