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Mama laughed and nodded. “Blue always had a way with words. She said I needed to go out and meet someone new a couple years after your father died, told me that life goes on. I got mad at her about that. When I thought I was finally ready, every time I tried to date someone, I’d find some way to sabotage the relationship. I had even met a real nice man ’bout ten years after your daddy died. We had coffee together several times. He was sweet on me, would’ve probably made a good husband, but I stopped returning his calls. I just couldn’t let go of the pain. I felt like I was betraying your father in some way if I enjoyed myself, and completely moved on. I know I sound foolish.” Mama’s lips twisted as her brows knitted. “But I don’t know how else to explain it. I still can’t find all the words…”
“Mama, I wish you would have come to me, Blue, Aunt Grace, somebody, and told us. All of this time I thought you just didn’t want to talk to me about it. That this stuff made you too upset, and you couldn’t deal. I thought you were avoiding issues you found unpleasant. Come to find out, you were just trying to survive.”
Mama nodded in agreement. “I needed to find out what was broken in me, baby. What was preventing me from forgiving God, forgiving Lily for doing her child the way she did, and forgiving myself for being so angry that all I could do was smile through the pain… ’cause if I told anyonejusthow mad Ireallywas,” Mama’s eyes turned to slits, and her lips turned downward in a scowl, a deep sorrow on her face, “I was worried my rage would burn this whole damn world down. Somebody drivin’ reckless stole my man! The father of my girls!” Mama’s voice quaked. “He was just trying to do his job. I was so mad at God for this, Iris… I kept quiet and wore a smile to protect my loved ones. I wasn’t afraid to die, Iris. For a while there, after your daddy was gone, I almost wanted that, too. To join him in Heaven. No, death was the least of my worries.
“The therapist made it clear to me. My sweetheart’s death wasn’t what killed me. No… It was after the fact, when he was gone, and my heart understood that he wasn’t coming back, that I was filled with an emotion I can’t even label. One thing is for sure though, baby: death is inevitable. But being alive, truly alive, is a choice. And that was my problem. Fear was involved. But honey, it wasn’t no death knockin’ at my door that scared me off. It was the calendar, and the clock. Time marching on without me. I was afraid tolive…”
CHAPTER TWENTY
That’s My Man
Chris Stapleton’s, ‘TennesseeWhiskey’ played on as the truck rolled against the rocky terrain.
“It looks like rain, baby.” Iris waved her arm out the window, not a clue as to where her man was taking her. Jude had said it was a surprise.
“All right now! I ain’t know you could sing, Jude!” She laughed and applauded.
He shrugged, pretending to be modest. “I’m all right.” He brought the cigarette to his lips. “I can carry a note or two. Cain was the one blessed with the golden vocal cords though.” He took another toke of the cigarette, blew out the smoke, and kept on singing. He kept replaying that song over and over, and she didn’t mind. She hadn’t seen him smile that much in days.
“Cades Cove?” Jude got quiet as they made their way past the sign that caught her attention. Cades Cove was a fairly well-known gorge situated in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Iris hadn’t been there since she was a little girl. “This is the surprise? Thank you, Jude!” she cheered enthusiastically, causing him to crack up.
She had told him a while back she just wanted to get away to someplace peaceful. No gunfire in the middle of the night, no car alarms, no shouting, no nothing. He said he’d do her one better, and well, here they were in the wee hours of the morning.
Soon he parked, and the music stopped when he turned off the engine. All that could be heard were birds chirping, and small creatures rustling about in the foliage. Jude extinguished his cigarette and slipped out of the car smooth as silk, a smirk on his face and mischief in his eyes. He closed the door and came to stand beside her. She wondered what the handsome devil was up to. He’d been rather silly earlier that morning when he took her out to get coffee and donuts before their stay-cation. Cracking jokes, sexual innuendos, general shenanigans. The man had a non-stop dirty mind.
“Come on now, let me help ya down.” He took her hand, checking out her nails painted white and shimmery blue. He caressed over the gold midi rings on her fingers with his thumb, his gaze admiring. He’d often compliment her on her nails and jewelry, but usually while they were rolling around in the sheets. When she scratched and dug into his back and shoulders, lost in the throes of ecstasy. He’d nicknamed her his ‘little cougar.’
She stepped onto the grass, and hugged herself when a cool breeze hit her.
“It’s so pretty here. Ain’t Mother Nature somethin’ special, Jude?”
“She sure is.” He let go of her to lock the door, then took her hand in his again. Then away they went, walking on the fine day the Lord had made.
“Look, Jude. A deer.” Her eyes damn near moistened at the sight of it, standing about forty feet away. She hadn’t seen a deer in ages.
“That’s a female right there. No buck.”
“So pretty.”
“Yes, it’s a white-tailed deer. Common round these parts.”
“You, Cain, Eli, and your daddy ever go huntin’ for deer?”
“Probably. I don’t remember killin’ any deer personally, but I imagine my daddy did. Eli was too young, so he stayed at home with Mama, but me and Cain would go wit’ him, and he’d get some squirrels, or elks every now and again. One time I remember he got a turkey. My daddy wasn’t ever too serious ’bout hunting, but he was good at it, all the same. We ate everything he killed. He ain’t believe in wastin’ nothin’. He said the Indians was right… if you take an animal’s life, you use every part of it. He’d skin the rabbits, and sell the fur sometimes, too.”
She nodded in understanding.
“Cain liked to hunt, too. He got his huntin’ license and would go after game birds like ducks and woodcock.”
“Speakin’ of ducks, how’d y’all find out Eli was ’fraid of them?”
“You ain’t asked him yet?”
“No way. I’m not opening that can of worms with Eli. He gets too worked up when I ask him about why he has to hold the remote control at an angle, let alone that.”
Jude guffawed.
“Here’s what happened about the ducks… One time, Mama took me and my brothers to a park. At this place there was a lake. Some folks would fish in it, but we went there to play on the swings and slide, and Mama brought a pack of stale bread we could toss to the ducks. We was feedin’ the ducks just fine. Eli couldn’t have been more than two. One of the ducks got aggressive, and started pointin’ his bill at him, quackin’ and carryin’ on. This particular duck was fixated on Eli. Probably because he was movin’ real slow with that piece of bread, and he was small… it probably figured it could take him. Eli started getting scared, so Mama told him everything was okay. But everything wasn’t okay, ’cause that duck started to give chase. Oh, Eli cried and screamed like he was being pinched hard! The duck took on after him, and Eli fell down while running, and then—” Jude paused, his face turning red as he broke out in uncontrollable laughter.
