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“I told Lily a hundred times she needed professional help. She and I used to be so close, and then, she started actin’ out and doing mean things. It was nothin’ like how she used to be. Thank you for showing me these pictures. I saw the change, but I didn’t connect the dots. I mean, I knew she wasn’t the same… How can I say this? I never noticed how messed up she was after Daddy died because I was messed up, too, and living inside my own grief. But like you said, as the years passed I saw it but by then, for some damn reason, I didn’t put the two together. Webothlost Daddy.” She hung her head and closed her eyes, holding back the tears. “You lost your husband and the father of your children. It was unfair. It hurt so bad. Our lives changed forever… I wish I knew… I wish I knew why Lily’s reaction was so different.”
Mama sighed and ran her hand along the cover of one of the albums. She looked down at it, smiling sadly. “I took ’er to the pastor. His wife had a degree in child psychology. She sat wit’ Lily and said my child was sick in the mind. We prayed for her. It’s my fault what happened to Lily, baby.”
“No, it’s not, Mama. You never told me this, none of it! I wish you would have told me when she and I was arguin’ all the time, and all that mess in court, because then maybe I would’ve felt more sympathetic towards her. At this rate, she’s been nothing but trouble! Lily walkin’ around here undiagnosed with somethin’. And here I was thinking she was just mean and irresponsible, ’cause that’s the M.O. of a lot of folks, too.”
“Naw, baby.” Mama shook her head. “It’s my fault because I didn’t want to admit something was wrong with my child, and the pastor’s wife, Jennica, may have been right. I dismissed what she said. I turned a blind eye when some of my jewelry came up missin’. I turned away when you told me she was saying crazy stuff to you. Then, people started sayin’ she was getting drunk all the time, and sleepin’ around. I knew, when she couldn’t tell me who Ayanna’s daddy was, that we was way beyond anything I could do to change it. I should’ve taken Jennica’s advice and got Lily somewhere so she could be formally analyzed and given some treatment.”
“Why do you think you were so hesitant to do so?”
“I was in denial. Then, by the time I was ready to admit it, it was too late. She was grown. I messed up. That made me shut down all over again. I felt like, if I said or did the wrong thing with either of you, I’d break your spirit. I was hurting. Hurt from losing your father far too young. Hurt from seeing my girls struggle. And guilt, ’cause I was angry at God for taking such a good man, the love of my life, away from me.”
“Mama, you’ll have to forgive me, but I think I’m dreaming. This can’t be real. I am so surprised right now!”
“It’s real… you need to know. Now’s the time, it seems.”
“I’ve been avoiding these discussions with you because when I’d try to talk about this stuff in the past, you’d shut down, but today… today is different.” A lump lodged in her throat. “Thank you. What made you open up like this?”
“I could see how upset you were that I wouldn’t talk to you, today. I knew that it had to stop. Right now. Also, I’ve been seeing a counselor for a little over three months now.”
“What? Are you serious, Mama?”
“Yes. I wasn’t ready before. I wasn’t ready to talk to you about it today, either.” Mama chuckled dismally, then shrugged. “It’s a little embarassin’. Black folk don’t go seein’ no head doctor. But Ayanna’s words haunted me. They got to me. I couldn’t shake them loose. I couldn’t let another generation carry this curse, Iris. I, too, had things happen to me as a child. Unresolved issues.”
“Ayanna’s words? What did she say?”
Mama held up her finger, as if to say, ‘Hold on, I’ll get to that.’
“Iris, I was in poor shape. I had found me a nice, handsome, God-fearin’ man and everything seemed peaches and cream, but it ended all too soon. That put more pain and trauma on the heap. Nobody talks about these thangs. We just say, ‘We’ll get through it by and by.’ I wasn’t going to discuss this with you. I was just going to go to therapy, and hope it helped. It didn’t seem to be workin’ much, but it did, cause the therapist told me to see myself in my children. To try to visit you on the inside. Your heart. Today, I was trying to get through the hours with you, without conflicts. No upheaval. But I felt you needed a word with me. I saw your reflection in the television as you were braidin’ my hair, and I could see all that hurt jumpin’ on you again, just like when you was a little girl. I could see the disappointment and anger in your face. You’ve been struggling with Lily for years, dealin’ with Ayanna because of her… It was just too much. I didn’t want to interfere. I didn’t know what to do or say to make it better.” She raised her hands then dropped them at her sides. “I felt helpless. Worthless. Stupid.” A tear traced Mama’s beautiful, smooth dark skin. She swiped it away with a red painted nail.
“You definitely aren’t worthless and stupid, Mama. What made you start seeing the therapist, though? What changed?”
The woman wrung her hands. “Well, that’s the part you need to know. I called Ayanna on her birthday a few months back. I said, ‘Baby, happy birthday!’ And she said,‘Is it?’That struck me as odd. She’s just a baby. I say, ‘Every day we’re alive is a good day.’ She say,‘It’s my birthday, but the people who made and birthed me ain’t here.’She say, ‘Grandmama, I ain’t got a daddy. My aunt got to take care of me but all I want to know is why my mama don’t love me like I love her? Why my mama hate me, Grandmama? Did you hurt her, like she hurt me?’I froze. I couldn’t speak. She said it, and it was like it came out of nowhere.
“Finally, when I found my voice again, I said to her, ’Your mama loves you, but she’s sick.’ She say,‘Sick how?’I said, ‘Something wrong wit’ Lily’s mind.’ Then Ayanna responded, ‘But Grandma, if somethin’ wrong wit’ Mama’s mind, is somethin’ wrong with my mind, too, since I come from her?’ And that got me thinking…” Mama reached over, handed Iris a tissue, then dabbed at her own face. “Maybe Ayanna’s the only one with any sense. Lily’s the one actin’ out, but maybe, we’ve all been acting out, in our own way? Just quietly?”
“Mama, let me tell you something. This year in my life, especially the last six months, have been a roller coaster.” She rubbed her hands together and shook her head. She felt hot all over, and fresh tears stung her eyes. “I kept busy, working and taking care of Ayanna, so much that I refused to look at myself and see what was going on. I looked at everyone else… talking about what so and so was doing wrong. How she was being. It was easier to see what was wrong with everyone else than look in the mirror. That way, I ain’t have to deal with my own stuff. Eli gave me a book early on in our relationship. One of the characters in the book was self-righteous and miserable. I understood that man—he resonated with me. I know now why Eli gave me that book now. He saw right through me… a man folks call mental. Eli got more sense than most people I know. I read that book and saw both him and his brother, the man I’m in love with, differently. Sometimes the person doing all the critiquing is the one that needs to be critiqued.”
Mama nodded in understanding.
“I was able to see past Eli’s stuttering and jerky muscle movements, and see the man beneath all of that. I was able to look through Jude, his wrongdoing, and see his core, his heart, his soul. I was able to look at myself, and finally see my flaws, and be all right wit’ some, while working to change the ones that needed to be addressed. I was able to look at my friend Lark, and stop feelin’ sorry for her, but instead, focus on her potential. Inside, I was comparing her to me,” she swiped another tear away, “and I felt better ’cause she was worse off than me. I based my worth on how good or bad I was handlin’ life, compared to another. That’s not how you ’sposed to measure your worth! God ain’t make some of us gold, and some of us trash.
“We all gold! How we think, the mean and nasty thangs we say, and how we treat people is what makes us trash, but ain’t no man able to call another man trash, ’till he knows him from the inside out, and walked a mile in his shoes! We don’t know what rich lady is cryin’ herself to sleep at night ’cause don’t nobody really love her for her, and we may not understand the joy of a homeless lady who finds a ten-dollar bill on the street, and you can’t tell her she ain’t win the lottery right at that moment. That same lady might turn around and give it to someone worse off than her. WE DON’T KNOW NOBODY’S STORY. WE AIN’T THE JUDGE! I was doin’ a lot of judging of folks I ain’t even know well enough to make such assertions.
“Even people we’ve known our entire lives got pain and experiences they ain’t told us about. I looked at my friend Lark, and got so sick of her being weak for a man that don’t mean her any good. I looked at Lily, and hated her for how she done Ayanna. I don’t regret that… even after all of this, Mama, because Lily know she ain’t right, but won’t get no help… But then, I looked at Ayanna, and deep down, one of my worst fears was that she grow up and be just like Lily… ’cause then that’s a bad reflection on me. It would prove I ain’t worth my salt. That I ain’t got what it takes. That I stood in that courtroom and ain’t do no better than my crazy sister. It became like a contest. Not against my sister, but against Ayanna’s future. Ain’t that just sad of me, Mama? I should be ashamed!”
“Iris, I love you. That’s all I can say about what you’re sitting over there saying and beatin’ yourself up about right now. You love yourself, but seems to me, you realize now, it is also about healing yourself. The therapist told me most of what we focus on in life, the bad stuff, are just symptoms. They’re never the real problem. Like, not being able to pay our bills. We focus on the bills we can’t pay, our dead-end job, and the company that sends us the bill. None of that stuff though will change. Instead of being happy the lights are still on, and that tomorrow, we just might have a chance to get a better payin’ job, or more money some other way, we get mad at all the wrong things.”
“That don’t explain the men, though, Mama. Oh Lord, I got such a bad track record wit’ men.” Iris rolled her eyes as she reflected. “And I told you that Jude is White, and it’s not that I think he better, or the results will be different ’cause he White, but I think I gave him a chance, one I wouldn’t have, because I’m so sick of men in general. I figured he couldn’t be no worse.” She and Mama chuckled at that. “But… I liked Jude. So, it’s not like he was a consolation prize. I think he’s mighty handsome. He’s got a romantic streak, too. He’s the type of man I always wanted. He’s like Daddy in so many ways. He puts family first.”
They studied each other for a long while. She wished she could curl up in the woman’s lap like she used to. She was far too big now, but she craved it, so she envisioned it in her mind.
“Iris, you kept pickin’ bad men, almost like you was punishing yourself for somethin’, or tryna love somebody so hard, so they’d love you back the same way and never want to leave you. But that never happened. Then, you turned the otha way. You seemed to hate men after a while. I’d ask if you was seein’ someone, and you’d go off… talkin’ about what this guy did, and what that man said. You talked just awful ’bout ’em.” Mama’s nose wrinkled up. “I understood why, and I was angry at Bennet for being the worst of them of all, but I could see you changing. Your light was dimming. You was gettin’ bitter, like me. Only, I covered mine with a smile.
“You were despising people, Iris, but at the same time, you was always so nice and courteous. It was baffling, until I realized, that was me… You learned that from me. I had poisoned you. You’ve always been spunky, but this was somethin’ else—a darkness inside of you. It was too late for me to make Lily get help. The courts ordered her to do it, and she didn’t. I don’t need the courts or no judge to tell me to get checked out. My grandbaby already did it for me, in her own way.”
She sighed. “I knew then that I had been holding on to a lot of mess, and I couldn’t let go of it. Blue, my sister, your favorite aunt,” Mama smiled sadly, “she and I would fight like cats and dogs. She saw me changing, and she called me on it, but I couldn’t stop. It was too much pain.”
“Aunt Blue jokes and tells me you’re her alter ego. She said, ‘Iris, my sister is sweet as honey. I’m that lifeless sour lemon that floats at the bottom of the iced tea. The flat, paper thin one full of seeds that nobody wants.”
