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“Your loss,” I said. “Anyway … I’m really sorry I yelled at you. And I want you to know that I wasn’t stalking you the other day when I saw you on campus, I—”
“You came to my school?” He seemed confused.
“I was just … in the neighborhood. Amy told me I had to leave hospital grounds.”
“Sure,” he said. “Okay.”
I wasn’t sure he believed me about not stalking him. Fine, I didn’t really believe myself, either.
“Who was the girl you were walking with?” I’d told myself I wouldn’t bring it up. Oops.
Jordan looked a little surprised by the question. “She’s a friend,” he said. Then he smiled. “She knows a lot about muons.”
If Jordan Hassan thought that would make me magically approve of whoever this friend was, he was mistaken. “Well, sheshould,” I said. “They were all over the news after the Fermilab research came out.”
“She’s majoring in physics.”
This was a whole different ball of wax, but without even blinking I said, “Weird, she didn’t seem like a huge nerd.”
Jordan pursed his lips like he thought that was a rude thing to say, which of course it was. And I regretted saying it, but not enough to take it back.
Because I was jealous of that girl. Like it-hurts-my-stomach-jealous of her. Not just because she got to tuck her arm through Jordan’s—though obviously, that was a problem for me. But the way she walked through the world as if it belonged to her, and she belonged to it.
Because Ididn’tbelong.
Because I had to be locked away because of it.
“Want to know what I’m majoring in?” I asked. “Insanity. Minoring in lunacy and time travel.”
“Oh, Hannah,” Jordan said, shaking his head.
“Oh Hannahwhat?”
“You’re really funny.”
It wasn’t at all what I’d expected him to say. “Funny ha-ha, or funny weird?”
“Well, both. Okay? But mostly the first one. Even when you’re being impossible, you’re great.”
“Do you really mean that?” I asked.
“Of course. You’re smart and funny and you’ve read a million books ….” Jordan reached out and absently took the muffin half I’d offered, and when he was done chewing, he said, “Definitelyno blueberries in there. But I think you’re amazing. Because you’ve done it totally on your own.”
I sucked in my breath.Totally on your own.Why was he saying that to me? “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said flatly.
“I don’t think anyone has taken care of you in a very long time, Hannah.” Jordan was suddenly staring down at his hands, like he didn’t want to see the expression on my face.
Which would have been one of surprise and white-hot anger. I wanted to scream at him.It isn’t any of your business!
But also: How did he know? And did everyone know that I had no one else in the whole enormous stupid world?
“I just think you’re doing a really good job,” Jordan went on.
“I’m not sure you understand how patronizing that sounds. And if I was really doing a good job of taking care of myself,” I said quietly, “I wouldn’t be locked up in a freaking psychiatric hospital, would I?”
“Or maybe it’s the place where you take care of yourself the best.”
I stood up. “I have to go.”
