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“Have you been experiencing hallucinations?”
I smiled. “No shadow people, no voices telling me to throw myself out the window. Doing great!”
“But … your other life,” he said. “You’re still experiencing that?”
I supposed I owed it to Dr. Nicholas to be honest. “Yes,” I said. “Because it’sreal.” I was so sick of explaining this to him. “You can’t make something real go away. Like, if you have a dog but you don’t like it, and you wish it would vanish, it doesn’t actually go anywhere. It’s still your dog.”
“Do you want it to go away?” Dr. Nicholas asked.
“I don’t have a dog.”
At this point, I could see I’d gotten to him. He rubbed his temples and sighed.Sorry, Dr. N, I couldn’t help it.
“Do you wish you didn’t go to the castle?” he said.
“No. I don’t. Because they need me there.”
“Hannah—”
“It’sreal,” I said. “Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t. I’ve never met your dog, but I know he’s real. I’ve heard you complaining about vet bills.”
Dr. Nicholas took off his glasses and set them carefully on the desk. “It’s been a while since we’ve talked,” he said, “and I was hoping we could have a good session today. But I’m not sensing the level of cooperation I’d like—and that frankly would benefityou.”
I leaned back in his squeaky chair. There wasn’t one comfortable piece of furniture on the entire ward. “I’m sorry,” I said, which I both meant and didn’t mean.
“We can talk about something else,” he said.
“Like what?”
“Your childhood.”
That was an instant “Nope.”
“Hannah—”
“I don’t remember it. You can ask me all you like, but that will always be my answer.”
And it was mostly true. There was a door in my mind that was shut tight and locked hard.
All the memories I had of my childhood—of the family I couldn’t save, our little hovel, the stench of death—would’ve made his hair turn white. I figured that if I could recall that kind of thing, then what I didn’t remember must be a whole lot worse.
“Your parents—”
“What parents?”
Never taking his eyes off me, he reached for his water bottle, unscrewed the cap, took a long drink, and then said, “Right. You’re a legal adult. You don’t have to acknowledge them, I suppose. But—”
“I think what would help me is town privileges,” I interrupted. I was surprised to hear myself say it. For one thing, I’d barely managed to walk around the hospital grounds with Jordan, and for another, there was no way Dr. N would agree.
“Really.” Dr. Nicholas sounded so tired right then that I almost felt sorry for him. Dealing with me was probably a thankless job.
“I’m not a danger to myself or to others,” I said. “And maybe I won’t go to the castle as often if I’m exposed to more stimulation from the world outside.”What everyone keeps on calling “thereal world.”“Maybe it’s so boring in here that my mind can’t help constructing elaborate fantasies.”
Dr. Nicholas put his glasses back on. “That’s an interesting theory,” he said.
I knew he’d love it that I saidfantasies. I decided to push it a bit further. “I think the new intern could take me,” I said. “I … trust him.”
I feel better when I’m with him. I see that the world here and now might have its bright spots.
