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“Go on,” he urged.
“He got out of here. He’s a civilian again.” That was the term Indy always used. I pulled my legs in tighter. I was trying to makemyself as small as I possibly could. “Indy says he’s ready. But I think he’s just saying that because his insurance was kicking him out.”
Dr. N leaned back, nodding because he finally knew who I was talking about. “Don’t you think he’s the best judge of his readiness?”
“Of course not.” I waved my hand around the room. “Isn’t that why we’re all here? Because wedon’tknow what’s best? Wedon’tknow how to deal with ourselves? That’s why you people have to take care of us.”
“Well, at some point, we all have to take responsibility for living our own lives,” Dr. N said. “It isn’t fair that some of us suffer. That some of us struggle with illness. But we can’t just sit back and live in the unfairness. We have to take steps toward recovery.”
“We’re not talking about Indy right now, are we?” I asked.
Dr. N was silent.
I closed my eyes. I said, “I can’t let it go. I can’t let it out.”
“You’re going to have to,” he said quietly.
“We’d both been here a lot, me and Indy,” I said. “But I always left first.”
I put my face down into my hands and cradled it like a baby. It was dark all around me, and Dr. N’s smooth, soft voice was rolling over me like waves.
“Indy felt like family, didn’t he?” Dr. N said. “And family isn’t supposed to leave you.”
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I wanted to go to the castle. I wanted to see Margery. I wanted her to brush my hair and twist it into gleaming plaits, fussing over me like a mother.
But I couldn’t get there.
I shivered in my seat, hunched over, still refusing to open my eyes.
Hannah, you have to hide, said an old, old voice.
Fear shot through me, as sudden and hot as an electrical shock. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in over a decade.
I put my hands over my ears, but it didn’t help. The words were coming from inside my head. From inside the time I never wanted to remember. And there was nothing I could do to stop them.
Hannah, listen—Hannah, come! Don’t cry. We’ll be safe in here.
Shhhh!!
Hannah, hurry, he’s coming.
CHAPTER 81
Checking in that morning, Jordan runs into Brittany, the tech who’s on her way out after the night shift.
“Good luck today,” she says, loosing her pale blond hair from its ponytail.
Jordan once spent a summer working graveyard at a warehouse, and he knows how much staying up all night sucks. And although the ward’s obviously quieter when patients are asleep, there aren’t as many RNs on duty if someone wakes up and starts causing problems.
“Rough night?” he asks.
She shrugs. “No more than usual.”
“How’s everyone this morning?”
Brittany grimaces as she puts on her coat. “Still batshit.” Then she flushes. “Sorry—I didn’t mean that. Cayden tried to throw a chair and hurt his back. Michaela couldn’t sleep and Andy’s dead again. I mean, he thinks he is.” She waves over her shoulder as she heads out. “Whatever. Nothing a stiff drink won’t fix.”
