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His face fractured, and this time, he was the one to let go. “I can’t, Gypsy. You know I can’t.”
“You can,” I snarled. “But you won’t.”
We were both quiet then, and I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t see the determination in his eyes to leave me so easily. To leave us.
He had no idea about this baby inside me. And maybe if I told him, it would make him want to stay. But he would hate me for it. I couldn’t let that be the reason. I needed him to choose us. I needed him to choose life.
“You brought me into your life,” I said quietly. “You showed me what love is. You can’t just take that away.”
“I’m sorry,” he croaked. “I never meant to hurt you, pet.”
“Never meant to hurt me?” I hissed. “What you did was the most selfish thing that anyone could ever do. You are sentencing me to a lifetime of the pain you’re trying to avoid.”
“You will move on,” he said. “It will be difficult for a while, but you will realize that—”
“I will never move on,” I answered viciously. “Don’t tell me how I feel. Don’t pretend that everything is going to be okay for me because that makes you feel better. It won’t, Lucian. If you do this to me, it will never be okay again.”
“It will,” he said, but even he knew it was bullshit.
I had been trying to find the words that would make him stay, but I realized then that there were none. “Are you going to refuse treatment?”
He didn’t answer, and that was answer enough.
I pulled away from him. “I can’t be here right now.”
He didn’t argue as I walked out the door, and I think that was what hurt the most.
OUTSIDE LUCIAN’S ROOM, FATHER HAWK, Nolan, and Ace all sat quietly. I didn’t know which one to target. In their own way, they were all special to him. But in the end, I knew who was the most influential. I asked Father Hawk for a word in private, and he walked down the hall with me.
“You have to do something,” I begged.
His eyes were sympathetic to my plight, but in the end, he shook his head solemnly. “It’s his decision.”
“He doesn’t know what he’s doing,” I choked out. “Isn’t it against the laws of the church? It’s basically suicide. Can’t you explain to him that he won’t be saved if he does this?”
I was grasping at illogical threads, but it was all I had left. Lucian believed that if he made his life right at the end, if he did all the things he was supposed to do, he would be transported into some magical place where he would get to see his son again. Maybe it was true, or maybe it wasn’t. But right now, I was too angry to believe it myself.
“It isn’t suicide,” Father Hawk answered. “If he passes, it will be from natural causes. I know this is difficult for you, Gypsy, but you must know that you will see him again too someday.”
That was not the thing he should have said to me. I pulled away, and this time, I couldn’t bite my tongue. “I don’t want to see him again someday,” I snapped. “I want him right now. Don’t you get that?”
Father Hawk was quiet, and I knew it was fruitless to argue my point. He’d made up his mind the same as Lucian. I understood now that every time Lucian got sick, Father Hawk showed up to provide spiritual comfort while he slowly wasted away.
I wondered how long it would take. I wondered how many times he would come home, and I would have him for just a little while before he got sick again. How many hospital visits would we make before it would be the last? And how on earth was I going to watch him die while I stood by helplessly?
“I can’t.” My shoulders caved forward as the stark reality of our situation sank in. “I can’t do this right now. I just can’t.”
Father Hawk laid a gentle hand on mine. “It’s all right. He understands. From the beginning, he knew it would come to this.”
“He made it come to his.” I looked up at him through bleary eyes. “What he’s asking of me is cruel. It’s the worst thing he could ever ask of me.”
“He doesn’t expect you to stay,” Father Hawk said gently. “I will be here with him if you need some time away.”
I hated to admit that it was exactly what I needed.
I needed to get far, far away.
MY THOUGHTS WERE SCATTERED WHEN I got into a taxi and gave the driver our address. When he dropped me off, I walked inside the empty house, took one look around, and knew what I needed to do. I didn’t get any of my belongings. I didn’t even change. I left Lucian’s watch on the table, and I got into my car and drove.
