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Being brave isn’t the absence of fear, it’s being scared and doing it anyway.
And I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice when she failed to contain it. She was scared. I imagined she was scared all the time, living in this place. Afraid for herself and whoever it was she was protecting, fear for a future that held no hope, fear that what had happened to her would happen again.
She was resilient, she was beautiful, she was graceful and soft, and she was a tough woman in a soft body that let her down and showed her pain like a tapestry of tales. Evie was everything I admired and desired about humanity rolled into one.
Desire is something I shouldn’t even consider.
And she lived here in a world full of darkness, where those with light remaining inside would see it extinguished with whatever hope they had left if they lived long enough.
And she asked why I didn’t smile.
After a few hours, I went back to check on her. When I entered the room, she immediately turned off the television and faced me, hands folded on her lap the way she does, looking at me expectantly.
“What’s up now, doc? Time for my meds?”
The corner of my lip twitched a response that ignited a full grin from her. I realized I hadn’t seen her smile, really smile, out of laughter. I’d seen a cheeky grin like the one she was displaying now and a look of relaxed bliss when I lowered her into the bathtub. But not the beam you get when you’re not only relaxed but laughing so hard your sides hurt, the tears-in-your-eyes laughter I’d witnessed so many times, although fewer times now I was at this end of the city. Although, people’s ability to find light in the darkness always warmed me from the inside out.
I wondered how long it had been since she truly laughed.
Visually, I checked her over. Evie had thrown the sheets to the side and lay on the bed, propped up against the pillows. Her legs were extended gracefully and their slender lines were amplified by my boxers she was wearing, baggy on her small frame. The t-shirt also made her appear small and vulnerable. The arms and neck were too large for her, yet somehow it managed to delicately fall over her shoulders, exposing only a hint of collarbone and drape over her breasts and curves.
Which I noticed.
These are things I shouldn’t have noticed.
As though reading my mind, she added, “Is it time for my physical examination,doctor?”
I almost laughed until I noticed the tiniest drop in her smile, a split-second falter before she recovered herself.
And I knew she was remembering the bath and how I had touched her scars.
Before she could shut herself down to me again, I thrust a glass of water at her.
She took a grateful drink, and I frowned. “If you were thirsty, you only had to ask,” I said. It bothered me that she was sitting here, needing a drink while under my care and not getting one.
She shook her head as she was midway through another gulp before smacking her lips loudly and putting the glass on the bedside table. “I don’t want to be a burden. You’ve already done so much.”
“You’re not a burden.”
Her eyes flashed with a moment of cheekiness again, and I was flushed with awe at not only humanity but her absolute resilience. Despite everything, all the horrible things she had experienced and been through, she was still grinning, joking even.
I was in complete awe of her.
“Well, then…” Evie started. “Do you have anything stronger to drink?”
“I don’t think you should be drinking alcohol.”
“Why?”
I had no reason, but it just felt like something I should say. When I only stared at her, she laughed, a light sound that traveled in the air across the room and burned into me. “I can almost see your brain working to come up with an excuse.”
“A reason,” I countered.
“Anexcuse.Have a drink with me, Zaqiel.”
Something about my name from her lips…
I turned on the spot and left the room without another word. I did have alcohol. I wasn’t impervious to all earthly desires. Spirits filled my mind with a pleasant buzzing that helped block out the darkness and also helped me sleep, and while I didn’t think I could get drunk if I tried, it certainly assisted to relax me after a long day of helping.
