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“Dead.”
A shuddering breath escaped. “Yes. I killed her. She was dead because of me.”
“It was an accident, Cara.”
I shook my head, waving his hand away when he tried to take mine. “I’m not finished.” When he looked at me, I frowned. I knew that look, the look saidhow much worse can it get?
“He took it out on me afterward. Somehow he convinced the police it was an accident, I was young and out of my mind, I didn’t know what I was doing. Maybe he told them there was an intruder, the details are fuzzy. All I know is I was being sent home with the monster who tore my world apart, and his attacks were worse than before, more violent, as though to make me pay for denying him Angie.
“When I was sixteen, I got a boyfriend, Aiden. He was twenty-two, and he wasn’t a good man, but he doted on me, making me feel so good, and when I finally trusted him to touch me, he taught me what it was to make love and to orgasm. He taught me what my father did wasn’t sex, it was rape, and sex was different. He also taught me to shoot, and when I finally told him everything, we made a plan to kill my father.”
“Understandable.”
I raised a brow at Emrick and hummed my acknowledgment. “Yeah, I guess so. So, Aiden came in through the window one night with guns. I told him I wanted the kill shot, he could take out his legs, do whatever, but I wanted to kill him. When I stood over my father with that gun, Emrick, my God, thepowerthat surged through me. He begged,begged!The nerve. There was no one to save him. No little girl he could push in front of him and use as a human shield. It was between him, me, and the bullet. Aiden stood behind me, egging me on, he was so excited about seeing my father die. I now wonder if he really cared about me or if he just liked watching people die.”
“You took the shot.”
“Of course, I took the shot! After what he did, he didn’t deserve tolive.”Emrick gave me a moment to take some steadying breaths, and I swiped angrily at my eyes, refusing to let the tears through. “My finger pulled that trigger, the bullet shot out of the gun and pushed through that asshole’s skull, killing him instantly. It was merciful, and I wish I had the skill or frame of mind to do something else, maybe his stomach so he bled out or something. I don’t know. But faced with him like that, all I felt was anger, and I kept seeing Angie’s face. I can’t even see her anymore without seeing her blood splattered across my father’s chest. I can’t evenseeher in my mind anymore, the way she was before the attacks. He died too quickly, and I regretthat.”
“What happened then?”
My face was void of expression as I faced Emrick. “Aiden fucked me right there in the same room as my father’s corpse. He fucked me hard and rough, and I came over and over, and it was the best sex I’d ever had. I rejoiced in it, in the joining of pleasure and pain, physical, mental, and spiritual. Of the blood on my hands and knees as I kneeled, taking him from behind. Of the death of the man who caused all my pain and the penetration and pain which brought me pleasure. It turned me on, and I guess it skewed the lines between sex and violence. I’m not going to use it as an excuse, and I’d never claim everyone who likes it a bit rough is messed up like me, but Iget offon it in a way I shouldn’t. This is my story, this is who I am, and I can’t change it.” I had been glancing around the room as I talked, but when I looked back at Emrick, he was holding my gaze as though he never looked away the entire time I regaled my sad, sorry tale. “This is why I didn’t want to be with you in that way because I knew you would bring the darkness out in me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the power.”
I shook my head, letting my hair fall in front of my face to cover my expression, twisted from the pain. “It’s the wrong sort of pleasure to feel, for the wrong sort of power. Then I met a man while I was working at The Palace, who exuded this power and aura, and I couldn’t resist him. The sex ignited something in me, something I thought I had better control of.”
“So, you were never scared of me?”
There was something in his eyes I couldn’t place as I answered, “I was, and I wasn’t. I was more scared—”
“That I’d bring out this part of you.”
“Yeah.”
Emrick’s expression darkened, and his hand clamped over my arm. “Embrace it.”
“What?”
“Embrace the darkness, let it take over you.”
“I’ve spent a decade tryingnotto let it take me over.”
“And you’ve done nothing but struggle. I say embrace it, acknowledge you’re darker and different than the rest. Your experiences have made you who you are and shaped you. Take that and run with it.Letit shape you,makeit yours. Don’t let the experience make you hide.”
“Is that what you do? Embrace the darkness?”
“Yes.”
“And how’s that working out for you?”
“Fine until you came along and started playing the role of my conscience.”
“Innocent people don’t deserve to die, Emrick.”
“Who are you to decide who’s innocent?”
I shrugged. “No one. I’m no one.”
