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“Mom, I know you’re lost. And it’s okay. We’ll get through today and figure out where to go from there.”
Without letting her say anything in response, I let her eat her breakfast in peace while I go to put on my dress. I have a new black dress I had to buy because nothing fits me anymore. I’ve lost so much weight in the last few weeks. Between the stress, taking care of my mom, and staying in the hospital more often than not, I haven’t had an appetite. Plus, my stomach is constantly off and feeling like I’m going to be sick. So, food hasn’t been a priority for me.
After dressing, helping my mom, and getting her loaded up in the car, I drive us to the funeral home where I instantly spot Jaelyn, her sister Hartley, and one of the prospects with them. I told Jae the first hour was for us, and I have a feeling she’s here more for moral support than anything else right now. She’s going to give us the time we need to say our goodbyes. Again.
I’ve been in constant contact with Jaelyn over the last week. She hasn’t let me push her away or anything I’ve wanted to do. When I ignore her calls, she sends me messages and leaves voicemails. She’s the only one who doesn’t let me get away with pushing her away. It’s kind of refreshing if I’m being honest. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have a true friend. Someone who wants to be there for me just because of who I am and not anything I can give her.
“Are those your friends?” my mom asks, her voice the most lucid I’ve heard this week.
“Yeah. She knows the first hour is for us,” I assure my mom before we get out.
“That’s nonsense sweetie. They can come in with us. I’d like to meet your friends.”
I smile at my mom before walking over to the women as they exit Hartley’s SUV. The young prospect gives me a nod before turning his head away. At the same time, I feel someone watching me from a distance. My eyes scan the road, parking lot, and the surrounding parking lots to find no one there.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Hartley says as she pulls me in for a hug. “Is there anything you need?”
“No, thank you. I think we’re gonna be okay. It’s been a long, rough week for sure. Thank you for being here, Hartley. How’s your son doing?”
“He’s doing great. Thank you for asking. I wish you’d come meet him.”
I don’t bother answering her as I turn to face Jaelyn.
“Thank you for being there this last week. I don’t know what I would have done without your support. Um, my mom said you can come in with us now. She wants to meet you guys,” I tell them, wringing my hands together in front of me.
“Are you sure? This is a moment just for you two,” Hartley asks, always the more serious of the two sisters.
“Yeah. I have to get inside. But know you’re both more than welcome to come in now.”
Turning around, I don’t make it more than a few steps when both women are on opposite sides of me. Jaelyn has my arm through hers and as we walk through the doors of the funeral home. I’m not ready for this. Tears are already sliding slowly down my face and I’m not even in the room we’ll be having the funeral in. This is where I’ll be giving my eulogy and sharing about my dad in front of anyone who attends today. This is the one thing I’m not sure if I can get through and it’s the one thing I have to. Not just for me, but for my mom and for my dad. Today is all about him and I know he’d want me to be stronger than I am right now.
Taking a deep breath, I lead the girls to my mom where she sits in the first seat of the first row.
“Mom, these are my friends Hartley and Jaelyn. Girls, this is my mom, Coraline,” I introduce everyone.
“It’s so nice to meet you. Thank you for being here today. I’m so glad my Bronwan has friends like you,” my mom says, standing up to shake their hands. “Are you with the group who saved my daughter?”
“We are. The president of the club is my husband. He’s home with our newborn right now,” Hartley answers, a small smile on her face. “They’d have been here, but we didn’t want to overwhelm your daughter. They’re all thinking of you and want you to know if you ever need anything, we’re here for you. For both of you.”
“Thank you, dear. That means so much to us.”
We spend the next hour silently watching on as a video plays of my dad’s life. I put it together and my mom is seeing it. She cries, laughs, and shares stories with the girls about the pictures I chose to put up of him.Dancing in the Skyby Dani and Lizzy plays in the background. My dad loved to dance, and I know he’s up there just waiting for his dance partner to meet him once again. I hope he watches down on my mom and shows her in ways only he can daily how much he loves her and helps her get through the day.
“Sweetheart, it’s time for you to get up and talk,” my mom tells me as everyone takes their seats an hour and a half later. “I love you so much and know your daddy would be so proud of you.”
With a nod of my head, I take a deep breath and get up to make my way in front of the small crowd gathered to help us send my dad on his last journey ever. With my paper in my shaking hands, I smooth it out on the small podium without looking up. Everyone is staring at me, and I know if I look up I won’t be able to get through this.
“Thank you all for coming today,” I begin speaking with a shaky voice. “My dad, Gerald Smith, was a great man. I’m not just saying that because he’s my dad; it’s the honest truth. He was the type of man who would give someone in need the shirt off his back just so they were warm and could go in a store or somewhere to get out of the weather. His life was spent working doing a job he loved more than almost anything. When he wasn’t at work, my dad was always tinkering away in the garage, watching a game on TV, or helping my mom and me with whatever we were doing. Even if it meant burning cookies, making a mess that would take hours to clean up, or just sitting with us quietly. He was like that with every single person he met in his life. My dad always knew what a person needed without them having to say a single word.
“Nothing in his life can compare the love he had for my mom. They met in high school and instantly fell in love. He gave up everything for his love and they spent years together showing me what true love is. A love so strong nothing can break their bond. A love I want to have someday. My dad would do anything for my mom; take her dancing in the rain, sing to her in his horribly off-key voice, care for her when she was sick, and make sure she was taken care of when he can’t be here to do it himself. His love extended to me. My dad was at every single school event, he taught me life lessons only a dad can teach his daughter, and supported me no matter what I wanted to do with my life.
“Because of my dad, our life was spent filled with laughter, unconditional love, and more support than any of us knew what to do with. We have a huge void nothing will ever be able to fill as we learn to live without him. We’ll never hear another corny joke, have his arms wrap around us just because he knows it’s what we need, or have him show his love to us in a million different ways. Daddy, I love you so much and miss you already. We’ll see you again in the sky when it’s our time to join you once more. Mom, I love you and want you to know you’re so much stronger than you realize. Today proves it to me in ways you have no clue about.”
When I’m done speaking, I can barely get back to my seat. The prospect who came with Hartley and Jaelyn manages to catch me before I fall to the floor at my mom’s feet. I’m consumed with my grief. It’s finally hit me that my dad is never going to come home. His larger than life presence will never again be felt by us as he moves through our home or helps us with something. Jaelyn holds me close to her on one side as my mom wraps her arms around me. A few other people stand up to share memories of my dad with everyone, but I don’t hear a single word they have to say. I’m lost in my own head and grief. There’s only one person I want here with me right now and I won’t be seeing him any time soon. I’m a complete wreck and there’s nothing I can do about it.
SOMETHING HAS BEEN going on with Bronwan. Jaelyn talks to her on a daily basis whether it’s on the phone or just through messaging. With Hartley having the baby, Jae has been staying at the clubhouse to help her sister and Lash out with their little one. Instead of being at Lash’s house Jae is staying in his room at the clubhouse so she can get some sleep and do her school work. Then, she’s over helping with Nash. It’s a routine that works for the small family. Not to mention most of the guys, Trini, and Iris are also over there all the time to see him. I’ve been once or twice because my main focus is on Bronwan and finding her so we can talk about things, and I can make her see what she’s done to me. How she’s changed me.
Yesterday, Lash, Hartley, and Jaelyn were talking quietly in a corner. The girls were visibly upset while Lash stood stoic and in control of his emotions. I’m not sure what they were talking about with the exception of Jae going up to Lash’s room and packing a bag before heading home with her sister. Yeah, they’re going somewhere and I’m going to be following them when they leave. It’s the only way I’m going to find Bronwan because I have a gut feeling they’re heading out to see her. Don’t ask me why I feel this, I just do. So, heading to my room, I pack my own back and make my way outside. For now, I’ll hang out and make sure everything on my bike is ready to go. When they leave, I’ll be going to. No one has to know what the hell I’m doing. Or where I’m going.
