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If I really did love her, that would be the best thing I could do forher.
This time he cried bullshit on himself. Before factoring in love, keeping her physically safe had been all he'd thought about. It was still his primaryobjective.
But being in love changed everything. Her emotional wellbeing was equally important. He thought of the precarious nature of her eating disorder, certain she would revert into full blown anorexia if he handled this wrong and wasn't there to care forher.
Deep anger took hold. He'd never been one to lament about the fairness of life, in part because he'd always felt like one of the lucky ones. He'd seen a lot of fucked up shit in his travels. Yet in the middle of the night, looking into the watery eyes of the woman who had changed him forever, anger at how unfair it was that they couldn't get their shot at happiness like all the other sets of lovers galledhim.
The scent of their quickie after returning from Black Light still permeated the room. It calmed him, reminding him that what they had was real––tangible.
She waited for her answer, looking more distressed with each second that passed until he blew out his breath and said words he'd never said before. "I do feel the connection, baby. In fact, I'm going to tell you two things I've never said to another woman in my entire life. Things I never dreamed I'd need toconfess."
The excitement on her face waned as he added, "But there's a hitch." He waited until he knew she was listening. "You can't tell anyone.Ever."
"I would never..." she quicklyobjected.
He cut her off. "Your life depends on it,Khloe."
"I think you're being a bit melodramatic, don't you?" She tried to play it off nonchalantly, but he could see the worry that he was telling the truth in hergaze.
Ryder took a deep breath and broke the vow he'd taken the day he'd been sworn in as a CIA operative. "I'm not military, but I do work for the government. My job is dangerous. I've made manyenemies."
"I hate the idea of you being indanger."
"I can take care of myself. It's you I'm worriedabout."
"Me? Why would I be in danger?" She didn't understand. She hadn't put the dots togetheryet.
"Baby, my enemies have deep pockets and long memories. It isn't a problem retiring cansolve."
She was quiet as she internalized his words, coming to the conclusion he knew would dawn on her eventually. "And my fame has the potential to put you on the front page of magazines and lead off stories on the nightlynews."
He didn't affirm her statement. There was noneed.
"So I'm the one putting you in danger and not the other wayaround?"
Whoa. What thehell?
"Are you fucking kidding me? Don't you dare put an iota of blame on yourself. You've worked so hard. You deserve every award coming your way. It's your dream, Khloe, and I couldn't be happier for yoursuccess."
"But being seen in public with me puts you in danger of being recognized,right?"
"Yes,but..."
"So I'llretire."
"Over my dead body. And anyway, fame doesn't work like that and you know it. You could retire tomorrow and for the rest of your life, people will recognize you. And you deserve that. You worked hard forit."
"Fine, then you'llretire."
"Honey, I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would help, but like I said, the damage has been done. The men who hate me will stop at nothing. If it were just me, I'd say bring it on. But being seen with you scares the shit out of me because before you, the worst they could do to me was end my life. You would be a gift to them they couldn't pass up. I've seen firsthand what they do to women. The thought of them discovering how important you are to me terrifiesme."
His voice quavered with the emotion he was struggling to hold back. He had to make sure she understood how grave the situation was. Make sure she understood how critical it was to keep their brief affair hidden from theworld.
Her tears were coming harder as his truth seeped in. "So that's it? Just like that? We giveup?"
He reached for her, pulling her into his arms and rolling to his back until his chest was her pillow as she let loose, sobbing hard enough for both of them. He had to swallow often to choke back his own anguish, thinking about the corner they'd been backed into. The only thing that helped him was being able to stroke her long, velvety hair and whispering a lie, "It's going to be okay," over and over, wishing it weretrue.
After ten minutes, her sobs had turned to sniffles. He felt the pool of wetness on his chest, hating that he couldn't magically fix hersadness.
